In the Aesopian Style

My family's coat of arms. Keep reading and all will be explained. Ha ha ha.

Hey. I is a writer after all. It turns out I’ve been writing in the Aesopian style and I didn’t even know it.

In other words, I’m about to pimp one of my posts from the past.

Joy.

Those among you still possessing some shred of dignity, unlike me, may want to pass on this one.

This is part 4,242 in an ongoing series where we explore blog productivity by attempting to induce readers to skip reading the post. To us, that’s the definition of success. -Ed.

Okay, it’s like, here’s the situation. A couple of published authors have been kind enough to interact with me, both here on the blog and on the Twitter. Curious, I researched their books and what I found looks very good indeed.

Yes. This is going to be yet another roundabout introduction. Eat it.

The dilemma? I don’t have one of those fancy shiny book reader thingies. Sure, I have an iPod Touch and it even has a few free books on it. A little icon on the gadget is named iBooks and offers the hint of a promise that you’ll be able to enjoy books in the device. That, of course, is a lie.

It was different, perhaps, on the very first day I opened and turned on the thing. The prospects of reading a book on the thing excited me. That feeling quickly waned.

Yet, somehow, I still ended up with a few free titles. They include:

  • The Beatles – Yellow Submarine
  • The Kama Sutra
  • Moby Dick, or, The Whale
  • The Scarlet Letter
  • The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
  • Pride and Prejudice
  • 100 Quotations to make you think!
  • iPod touch User Guide for iOS 4.3
  • Winnie-the-Pooh

And I’ve never completely read any of them. Especially that second one to which I’m sure all my lovers can attest. Here’s one of my favorite passages from The Kama Sutra to whet your appetite and demonstrate a mere smattering of my skills:

Whenever he sits with her on the same seat or bed he should say to her, ‘I have something to tell you in private’, and then, when she comes to hear it in a quiet place, he should express his love to her more by manner and signs than by words. When he comes to know the state of her feelings towards him he should pretend to be ill, and should make her come to his house to speak to him. There he should intentionally hold her hand and place it on his eyes and forehead, and under the pretense of preparing some medicine for him he should ask her to do the work for his sake in the following words: ‘This work must be done by you, and by nobody else.’ When she wants to go away he should let her go, with an earnest request to come and see him again. This device of illness should be continued for three days and three nights. After this, when she begins coming to see him frequently, he should carry on long conversations with her, for, says Ghotakamukha, ‘though a man loves a girl ever so much, he never succeeds in winning her without a great deal of talking’. At last, when the man finds the girl completely gained over, he may then begin to enjoy her. As for the saying that women grow less timid than usual during the evening, and in darkness, and are desirous of congress at those times, and do not oppose men then, and should only be enjoyed at these hours, it is a matter of talk only.

Somebody throw some cold water on me to cool me off! Feign illness for three days? That’s my specialty! Hawt! And don’t think I didn’t notice how they slipped the word “device” in there, too. No wonder this book is the penultimate manual on pleasure.

Somehow it just didn’t turn out to be any fun to read books on that small little thing and so I’ve never in my life purchased a so-called eBook. Even with passages like the above.

So I went searching. One of the author’s pages on Amazon told me if I didn’t have a Kindle, I could still download a Kindle software for my iMac and it was free. Woot. I gave it a try. Sure, reading a book at my computer isn’t the funnest thing in the world, but it might be worth it to be able to support my online author friends.

After installing, I saw that I already had three books in my “library.” (I always wanted my own library.)

  • Aesop’s Fables
  • Treasure Island
  • Pride & Prejudice

I must really like Jane Austen.  I’ve got that same book in two libraries. But that’s just the way I roll.

To see how it worked and decide if I could stomach actually purchases, I read some of Aesop’s Fables. (At last, this post finally gets around to the point.) I’d never actually read any of that book. I’d only heard about what was in there whispered in backrooms and dimly lit alleys that, quite frankly, didn’t smell so good.

What I found was a veritable smorgasbord of delight. Right out of the box with the very first story, too. Here it is:

The Wolf and the Lamb

A WOLF, meeting with a Lamb astray from the fold, resolved not to lay violent hands on him, but to find some plea to justify to the Lamb the Wolf’s right to eat him. He thus addressed him: “Sirrah, last year you grossly insulted me.” “Indeed,” bleated the Lamb in a mournful tone of voice, “I was not then born.” Then said the Wolf, “You feed in my pasture.” “No, good sir,” replied the Lamb, “I have not yet tasted grass.” Again said the Wolf, “You drink of my well.” “No,” exclaimed the Lamb, “I never yet drank water, for as yet my mother’s milk is both food and drink to me.” Upon which the Wolf seized him and ate him up, saying, “Well! I won’t remain supperless, even though you refute every one of my imputations.”

The tyrant will always find a pretext for his tyranny.

Wow. That hit home. According to Wikipedia, Aesop was a slave and storyteller who lived around 620 and 560 BC. It’s always fun to find a kindred spirit. Hell, if you buy into reincarnation maybe he was even me.

The story had a familiar tone, and I realized I had written something similar myself, and even in the Aesopian style. Fortunately for you, it’s online and can be read if you want. I hope you’ll enjoy this period piece, offered with the same medieval feel, and the same celebration of the human spirit, apparently completely untouched by the ravages of time since six centuries before the birth of Christ. FTW!

Hark! I hence present a tone poem entitled In the Service of the King. May you enjoy it, anon. Personally I think it is the finest piece of crap I’ve ever written and that’s saying something.

After reading, I hope you’ll agree with me. The Wolf and the Lamb and In the Service of the King are cut from the same cloth. Nay, they are the exact same thing! The intrepid reader will even be rewarded with a bit of lore regarding my family’s coat of arms. 🙂

4 responses

  1. isn’t reincarnation supposed to be teaching u something, Like coming back as a slug and that will teach you to be more happy and bubbling of joy next time…

    U just can’t come back exactly as you were in 620BC or maybe there is need for one demotivational specialist or the world will just stop. So I guess, keep on coming back just the way you always been, ohh our saviour. 🙂

    Like

    1. Very, very clever. You are so perceptive. Leave it to me to be reincarnated umpteen times and remain EXACTLY the same.

      Truth be told, that takes a LOT of effort and skill.

      FTW!

      Like

  2. My favorite Aesop’s Fable, until now, was the story of the man who chose the heavy food sack as his burden on a journey of laborers carrying loads because he knew it would lighten as the journey progressed. That seemed a clever tale. Now this darker tale of the Wolf and the Lamb is now in first place, because it so succinctly describes those in power, who come up with a million reasons why you should accept more taxes, more regulations (yes, I realize some are necessary), and when you refute them all, they still pass the damned laws strangling you! The modern tale of the guy carrying the food load would be changed so that as his load lightened, more would be added to it.

    Like

    1. See? I like to bring a bit of culture to the people.

      Yes, a sack that gets lighter is a very clever tale. Something tells me this might be something that mountain climbers might do. 🙂

      I’m glad the Wolf and the Lamb excited you and got those creative juices flowing. Let’s just not read too much into it, okay? Taxes are a tool and, like any other tool, can be used for good or ill. Taxes don’t oppress people. People do!

      Like

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