Fraud. Deceitful intent. Narcissism. Caring way too much about what other people think. Either it’s time for another blog post from your favorite Guru or I have a business idea.
If you’re lucky maybe it’ll be a little bit of both.
For the ego freak on the go, I am pleased to present my latest brainiac idea: TheSocialValet.com. (Yes, we’re looking for investors now. If I can raise $870 I’ll be able to afford a new iPad and a “smart” cover. Oh yeah, and the domain name, too.)
Want to feel more important than you really are? Want to impress your friends? TheSocialValet.com may be just the thing for you. Here’s how it works:
You know how you feel when you’re dining alone in that fancy restaurant and your phone rings? As you start to blather into that phone with a voice louder than a 747 taking off, suddenly everything in the room knows just how important you are. You’re eating and you’re on the phone! At the same time.
Now imagine if you could have that same feeling – any time you want!
We deliver self-satisfied smugness for attention whores of every type! If we can’t help you pull it off then perhaps it’s something you don’t even need.
Sure, with modern technology, you can program your own phone to go off at a preset time, but it takes work and it’s a pain in the ass. And you have to remember to do it every time. TheSocialValet.com makes it easy.
Purchase phone calls and tweets ala carte or purchase one of our packages to dramatically increase your savings.
* The Player – 20 peak and off peak random calls or pages per month. Only $59.99 per year.
* The Butterfly – 40 calls and 40 social mentions per month. Only $69.99 per year.
* The Stalked – Two months of surprise gifts on your car, love messages written on your card windows, and four deliveries of flowers (with handwritten cards signed “secret admirer”) sent to your place of employment. Only $79.99.
* The Big Shot – Four mysterious FedEx overnight “urgent” courier envelopes sent to your office per month plus The Player package at no additional charge. Only $69.99 a month or $699.99 per year.
* The Barfly – A combination of 200 tweets, phone calls, Facebook likes and official looking emails randomly sent to your iPhone per month, between the hours of 8pm and 2am. Only $69.99 per year.
All packages include ringtone customization services guaranteed to help you generate the desired effect from envy to irritation to longing desire and much, much more.
Are you overly socially awkward and ignored by the cruel ravages of society? Let us help!
Even more packages are planned and coming soon. If you have creative ideas, please leave them in the comment section below. If we use your idea you’ll receive a generous 10 percent off our menu of services, you sad pathetic loser.
Shouts from the Abyss 
I would like to sign up for ‘The Stalked’ package.
Is there a discount if I add on The Butterfly?
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Excellent. Our first catch of the day.
But of course. We’re always willing to do a little wheeling and dealing with our service. Making you feel good about yourself – that’s our job.
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The Secret Agent – Includes 10 “cryptic texts” and five dead drops per month.
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I don’t like phone calls, but I’d appreciate a lot of Facebook “friends” who liked my every post and applauded my every status update! Perhaps you can create a whole list of adoring FB friends for sale!
I had to use Firefox to get to your blog. Google Chrome won’t let me in. I’d say that Google is evil but Google will find me and punish me.
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Ah. Facebook. Adding that is an excellent idea, but only if we can make it push out notifications with beeps, whistles and ringtones. Those are the things that demonstrate to other people how important and worthwhile we really are. We’ll call the package A Zucker Born Every Minute.
As far as browsers are concerned, here’s a little mnemonic to help you remember the natural order of things:
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Combine all of the above and toss in unlimited anonymous call-ins to your radio show and call it “The Slut and Rush Package.”
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You know what they say. “You should never Rush a slut.” Or something like that. And we’ll call the package The Limbaugh.
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Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:
If you can’t be popular, here’s the next best thing: Appearing popular. This post also illustrates quite nicely the perils and pitfalls of embedded content. I can’t even remember what kind of image was supposed to go in that now gaping hole. I guess I should have stolen it rather than doing it the nice way. Live and learn!
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