Catholic Enhancement

This special post is dedicated to Dick Van Dyke. And not because he’s Catholic, either. He’s not. I won’t say more on the subject but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

In all the hubbub about contraception, Rush Limbaugh, sluts, and political candidates wanting to triple the personal deduction for each child, something very special about the debate was forgotten by the wayside.

Don’t worry. I’m still here to do my job. And that’s to remind everyone.

Let us prey.

Sometimes I’m proud of myself. As the Catholic Church got all high and mighty about being forced (can you even imagine such a thing?) to do something against their “religion’s moral teachings,” and by that icky and nasty Obama Administration, no less, I became curious. What are those morals? I decided to search for the Catholic position on vasectomies (a miss – not surprisingly they were against them) and Viagra.

My religion's health plan covers Viagra! That makes me happy. And my schlong is hard as a rock!*

My curiosity was rewarded when I stumbled upon story after story about the Catholic employers health plans that covered, yep, you guessed it. Viagra. And Cialis. And Levitra. Because the human male peen needs at least three ways to go. (I’m no expert on religion but I’m pretty sure they call this The Holy Trinity of Erectile Dysfunction meds.) And the human male peen demands satisfaction.

Speaking of morals, when this controversy broke, some Catholic bishops got together and made this heart-warming announcement: If forced to include contraception in their health plans they would, instead, cancel health insurance coverage for all of their employees. If that isn’t tending to the flock I don’t know what is!

Bill O’Reilly got feisty about this on a recent appearance on The View.

Viagra comes under the government’s guidelines for a medical condition. Contraception doesn’t.
–Bill O’Reilly, March 8, 2012 on The View

Wow. It’s refreshing to see Bill so excited about defending what the government says. We all know how he loves to agree with the government. Speaking of morals, we all know him to be a man of honor who would never cherry pick that which he happens to personally agree with and then denounce the rest as too much government, right? The government said it is so, therefore it must be true!

That pretty much sums up the church position as well.

O’Reilly went on to complain that he shouldn’t have to pay slightly higher premiums so other people could have sex.

Later in the broadcast O’Reilly said: “So let me get this straight, Ms. Fluke, and I ask this with all due respect, I am: You want me to give you my hard earned money so you can have sex.” He also states that, while he opposes contraception coverage, Viagra should be covered.

Anneken Hendriks, who was against Viagra and for contraception. The church responded with traditional punishment and she never spoke out again.

Unfortunately O’Reilly didn’t speak about the personal tax deduction for dependent children, Rick Santorum’s desire to triple same, or why non-breeding Americans should be forced to give up their “hard earned money” so other people can have kids. (A situation which, IMHO, is already rigged in favor of the procreation nuts.)

There probably are, however, some insurers who do cover erectile dysfunction drugs and don’t cover contraception, Sonfield told us. Guttmacher estimates that about half of all Americans with employer-provided coverage work for employers that self-insure, paying their employees’ medical claims out of pocket. And it is certainly a fact that some of these employers have, at least in the past, paid for Viagra but not birth control. For instance, in 2005 Union Pacific Railroad, a self-insuring company, was sued because it covered erectile dysfunction drugs but not contraceptives. A 2007 appellate court decision ruled that the company did not have to provide birth control coverage, but by that time it had begun to offer coverage under the terms of an earlier court decision. Other companies may still cover Viagra but not birth control, although in 2000 the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission ruled that plans of this sort violate the Pregnancy Discrimination Act, an amendment to Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Title VII applies to employers with 15 or more employees, employment agencies, labor organizations, and state and local governments.

As for Viagra, independent studies of coverage are sparse, but the ones that exist don’t show that the drug is covered more than birth control. In 2000, an article in Health Affairs reported that “[o]nly about half of all U.S. health plans reimburse members for at least some Viagra pills.” A 1999 Washington Post article reported that the drug company Pfizer, which makes Viagra, estimated the coverage rate at 40 percent. And a 2007 Mercer survey of large employers (500 or more employees) showed that about 30 percent denied coverage of erectile dysfunction drugs, and most of the remaining employers imposed limitations on coverage. A Pfizer representative had no comment when we requested more up-to-date information.

Source: FactCheck.org – McCain’s Viagra Moment, July 24, 2008

A Catholic employer staff meeting showing those arguing that Viagra should be dropped from the fomulary being chastised.

Apparently when this article was originally written the author forgot to think about Catholic employers! Don’t forget about the low-hanging fruit. (No Viagra joke intended.)

The bottom line: The “Culture War” is in full swing, make no mistake about it, and some are doing their part to maintain the full court press. This includes the argument that nothing short of an act of God should ever get in the way of procreation. Abortion, of course, is the worst, with contraception a close second.

It follows that any pleasuring of the sex organs for the purpose of anything other than procreation must be sinful. We can thank some thirteenth century dude named Thomas Aquinas for this logical belief. I also think of him as the “Father of the Missionary Position” since he believed that position was most beneficial to contraception, therefore, all others are bad. Thankfully we don’t have a lot of news cycles devoted to crap like this. Yet. Don’t worry, though. If they win the culture war then stuff like that will be next.

Lastly, oh Viagra! Since you make peckers hard, you increase the odds they might be able to squeeze one more pregnancy out of ancient man flesh, and for that, you must be praised. Blessed be that which makes the penis harder!

* This image features “Smilin’ Bob” who was actually a mascot for Enyzte, an herbal nutritional supplement that is supposed to promote “natural enhancement.” Since he’s so happy about his peen I went ahead and borrowed his image for this post about Viagra.

6 responses

  1. Ah yes, the Catholic Church who also gave us the inquisition. It brings to mind some of the poems I wrote back in the days I worked in Child Protection… need I say more?

    Like

    1. Welcome! With a lead like that, I find myself wanting to read these poems.

      “The body of Christ. The blood of Christ. And a sample pack of Viagra from Saint Pfizer to help enlarge our congregation (in more ways than one). Get on it.”

      Spanish Inquisition, you say? I did not know that!

      Like

  2. Wouldn’t a “Mr. Softee” be considered an Act of God?

    If God (Goddess/Allah/Buddah/Bob) mean for those with ED to procreate, he’d have left them a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to work with, don’t you think?

    Like

    1. A Mr. Softee is the same as an unanswered prayer. (TM Garth Brooks.) Or wait, is that the opposite? I keep losing track of how I’m supposed to know what God wants. When in doubt, err on the side of more babies. The fact that most of them will grow up to be members of the same church (by following in their parents footsteps) has absolutely nothing to do with it.

      Do not presume to know the mind of God unless you have a soft peen.

      Like

  3. I wonder if all those Catholic men hopped up on Viagra shout out “Oh, God!” when they come.

    That would be blasphemous, yes?

    Like

    1. Blasphemous? No. As long as they are in the act of making a baby they can pretty much do anything they want. It’s a temporary but powerful “get out of jail free” card. It’s all part of the Rate The Sins Games (TM) from Shouts From The Abyss.

      King Henry VIII used to nom nom nom on a turkey leg during the act of ejaculating into a (hopefully) fertile female. (Gluttony.) Or, for no particular reason at all, he’d become quite angry. (Wrath.) Sometimes he’d just lay there and let the receptacle to all of the work. (Sloth.)

      He took pride in experimenting with all of the seven deadlies knowing it was the one time he could get away with it. Impregnating in the name of the Lord is just like a hall pass.

      Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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