Puff the Magic Paragon

I'm Thomas Kilas. Tobacco vapor is my life.

This is part of ongoing series. The schtick is that I read something in the news and then go batshit crazy about it. What can I say? It’s what I do. I’m a visioneer.

My life is now complete. I’ve lived to see what I humbly call the “Quotation of the Millennium.” My work here is done. It is time for me to go. Nanu nanu.

There have been billions and billions of puffs on the cigarettes and we have not heard of this happening before.
–Thomas Kilas, co-founder of the Tobacco Vapor Electronic Cigarette Association

Mmm. Tobacco vapor. That sounds so good! It’s what’s for dinner. Have they figured out a way to make that into a breakfast cereal yet, I can’t help but wonder? One with natural and artificial flavors? I’m in need of the breakfast of champions!

Note: Another post was already under development before this explosive story broke into our news cycle. The piece is tentatively entitled “Childhood Dreams” and will explore the lives of ordinary people who had the extraordinary vision and prescience to dream big even while small children. These visioneers are the folks who go on to be successful, refuse to be pigeonholed, break the mold, and create their own careers in fields like “tobacco vapor.”

It’s gotta suck to be just a guy who wants to make a buck and then your product blows up one of your customers. Yeah, I know customers suck, but even I usually don’t go as far as blowing them up. I can’t even imagine how bad it feels knowing that their personal injury just went and fucked with your day. Suddenly you find yourself in the news saying pithy things. The suck.

In case you missed it, here’s a quick recap. It is being reported that an “E-Cig” exploded while a man was using the product and properly following usage directions. (Namely: Stick this thing in your face and suck on it.) A “faulty” battery caused it to explode during mid-suck and it took out “some” of his front teeth, part of his tongue, and severely burning his face.

Holloway was in his office at home when the device exploded, leaving behind burned chair cushions, pictures, carpet and office equipment. A scorched battery case found on a piece of melted carpet appears to be one for a cigar-sized device, the report said. Those in the house with him rushed to his aid in the smoke-filled room and tried to put the fire out with salt, the report said.

Source: BusinessWeek.com

With all of the media in this strange new modern world, and not a one of them so-called journalists thought to ask the burning question on everyone’s minds: Was it worth it? Did you at least get some rich menthol flavor before it happened?

The best analogy is like it was trying to hold a bottle rocket in your mouth when it went off. The battery flew out of the tube and set the closet on fire.
–Joseph Parker, division chief for the North Bay Fire Department.

“Necessity” is the motherfucker of greed. Isn’t that how the expression goes? I’m not sure. That’s close enough for abyss-work. So yeah, when you see an “invention” (those are air-quotes dipped in liquid shit for emphasis) like the electronic cigarette you can so imagine the range of human emotions that must have gone into the creation of such an item. “They’re gonna tell me where I can and cannot smoke? Fuck ’em! I’ll show ’em all!!!” With American ingenuity like that, the electronic cigarette was born.

I remember that same sort of rage when the state decided to ban smoking in bars. Oh the tales of gloom and doom we were told. “Imagine a life without bars,” we were threatened. I did and you know what? I liked it. I imagined a world with a lot less people killed by drunken idiots. I liked the thought of that world quite a bit.

Bars would cease to exist we were told. It’s been a few years now and, holy shit of wonders! They’re still here. Just like restaurants which we were also promised would cease to exist. Somehow life goes on.

Never underestimate human laziness and the powerful depths of human addiction. I don’t so I’m not surprised in the least that bars and restaurants somehow continue to exist.

That didn’t deter the militant fans of tobacco vapor from throwing in the towel, though. They figured, “All we need is a new delivery system. Then we can still eat those vapors any time we want. In the bar, in the restaurant, where ever the hell we want. Any time we want. Fuck ’em all! Ha ha ha!”

Rumors has it that the Tobacco Vapor Electronic Cigarette Association is secretly at work on a device called The Hoodie, a leather mask “feedbag system” that will allow customers to enjoy tobacco vapor 24/7 with the convenience of hands-free operation. Using a patented tobacco vapor delivery system (TVDS) it’ll be a never-ending onslaught on the senses, a thrill ride of adventure. The Marlboro Man will sure be pissed to think about all the wranglin’ he could have gotten done without the hassle of having to fiddle with actual cigarettes. Never again experience a minute of life without something in your mouth! We’ll make adults who enjoy diaper play appear eminently normal. It’s a dirty job but someone’s got to feed at that trough.

It has been reported that the man who had his face exploded off by the electronic cigarette was trying to quit. And if there’s one thing I ever learned from my dad, knowledge passed down from generation to generation, it is this: When trying to quit something make sure you do the fuck out of it. I plan to do my part. In the very near future I’m going to “quit” touching myself, sitting on my ass, and playing with electronic devices.

What You Don’t Know Could Kill You

Our safety department is here to help. Naturally this incident got us thinking. Are we in danger, too?

Electronic cigarettes have batteries. Some are lithium and can be recharged.

Oh snap. Just like devices like the iPhone and digital cameras. Are we at risk when using those devices, too?

Our scientists did some experimentation. After exhaustive (heh) research we learned that in most cases, devices like cameras and iPhones will not explode until inserted into the mouth and sucked on.

The conclusion of our safety experts is that the typical user who does not insert electronics into their mouth should be safe.

Our advice: At least try to be choosy about what you suck on. Especially when it contains lithium chargeable batteries.

8 responses

  1. I’m not exactly sure what to say about this. On the one hand, the post is very funny and chock full of useful insights – and I just love all those “puff” product images. On the other hand, as a smoker who ain’t about to quit, I really was hoping that this technology – or something similar – would allow me to get my nicotine fix while coexisting with non-smokers – without the need for arms and armor.

    On a “lighter” note, I suppose we should be grateful that the battery exploded with less than a total mass conversion. But you know that, sooner or later, someone’s electric car is going to explode. With even minimal conversion, that’s going to make for one helluva headline!


    1. Lighter note! FTW! 🙂

      Wow. All I can say is you are very gracious. I don’t know if my comment would have been as nice if someone had just pissed in my Wheaties. 🙂

      I knew I was being overly mean but, as usual, I couldn’t help myself. In my own defense I tried to level things but listing at least three of my own addictions. And, as I write this, I just sucked down half a bag of chocolates left over from Valentine’s Day.

      My dad (before he died of cancer) took some shit from me for smoking. He refused to quit. He’d get quite angry about it if I brought it up. It went down a lot like a certain episode of Quantum Leap when the dude when back in time into his younger body. In the end, there was nothing he could do to change history.

      Personally I’ll be shocked (heh) if an electric car blows up. Unless the driver was sucking on it, which, you have to admit, a lot of drivers do these days. Car crashes with battery power come with their own sets of problems these days, like electrocuting rescue workers.

      “Sorry, ma’am. No jaws of life for you. I ain’t touching your car. On the plus side, though, please feel free to check your Facebook on your 17″ in panel touch screen while you wait.”

      1.21 gigawatts!

      Thanks for not ripping me a new one and letting me have my fun. I do try not to cross the line too far.


      1. Really, REALLY freaky people like me have to be able to take criticism well, else we’d be off blowing things up (on purpose) all of the time. How tedious would that be? As for addictions, I’ve got too many to count. Even though I’m a border-line diabetic, I practically had a conniption yesterday when I heard that Mars is going to put Snickers bars on a diet!


  2. BTW. What’s disgusting about the word “puff?” Plenty! I used to live with some people who used that word to describe farts. I always found the word “puff” (which was intended as a euphemism) to be much more disgusting than “fart.”

    One word is eminently more appropriate to the sound than the other.

    Not that I’m trying to bias the results of the poll or anything!


    1. I honestly couldn’t figure out how to respond to the poll. I have always associated the word puff with food – usually of the super sweet, super cheesy, or super salty variety. I’ll never see those things the same way after hearing your “alternate” definition!


      1. Puff. Puff. Puff. It drove me nuts.

        Snickers bar on a diet? Sounds like too little, too late, IMHO.


  3. I never put anything into my mouth that runs on its own juice. 🙂

    I went with puff. Because it rhymes with buff. Which is what you are…in my dreams.


    1. Wow. You successfully identified the moral in this post. You are good.

      I’ve been in the buff but I’ve never been buff. Except, perhaps, the day I got out of the Army when I was a lean, mean killing machine. Be careful sneaking up on me from behind. I was trained to kill with my bare hands by the federal government. Sometimes when startled I can kill before I’m able to stop the reflex. True story.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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