All You Can Meat

Close-up view of Pete's colon. Tagline: Just when you thought a colon would stop at 41 pounds of processed meat...

What happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. It got pooped out in my home town…

I know this guy. And no, just this once, that isn’t code for talking about myself. Let us call him Pete.

He wakes up in the morning, rolls out of bed, and deems himself ready to take on the day. He doesn’t shower or comb his hair. I imagine he dresses himself in the dark. He slips his Crocs on his Fred Flinstone bare feet and slinks (as quietly as he is able) out of his bedroom at four in the morning lest he disturb his wife and be forced to interact with her.

I like wrinkles as much as the next man. I often refer to them as “the new cool.” But, as part of an entire ensemble, wrinkles can be the coup de grâce to put the proper finish on a very distinct look. Unkempt, unclean, unshaven and under-dressed.

That look that is so effective, people have asked me, “Does that guy bathe himself?” And that’s the look he cultivates for the world of business.

Two other things about this guy: He loves to eat and he loves a good value. (A word I now loathe to the Nth degree.)

If you ask him for his opinion on restaurants, he’ll tell you about the quantity of food they serve and neglect to say anything about other considerations. Things like, “Did it taste good?”

He’s a true connoisseur.

Maybe he has a background at McDonald’s. If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that their flagship product is called the Big Mac. It is decidedly not called the Good Mac. You might have never noticed this, and I’m here to tell you, this is completely by design. In the world of consumption it is better to be big than good.

Oh, the Mac, babe, has such beef, dear
And it’s plenty for many noshy bites
It’s a good time for the fake tast — dinner
At McDonald’s, it’s Mac tonight!

So this businessman had to go to Las Vegas. When he got back, I asked him how it was, and, did he have any fun? He doesn’t drink or gamble (what a waste) but I thought maybe he’d mention something about roller coasters or fighting the Borg or indoor skydiving or the arcade or going inside the world’s largest bottle of Coca-Cola or even seeing one-trillion M&M’s all in the same place. (They’ll even fill a swimming pool with them and let you take a dip.) Yes, there’s a LOT to do in Las Vegas.

He responded by telling me about the 24-hour all-you-can-eat buffet.

A buffet!!!

His hotel offered this deal on the buffet. For only $50 it was all you could eat for a 24-hour window. And it was good at various locations around town. The clock started ticking with the initial purchase, he said, and he went on to explain his strategy. (Doesn’t every good meal require a plan of attack?)

The trick, he said was to go around nine o’clock at night for a “late dinner.” Then you could have breakfast the next morning, lunch, and another dinner before time expired. That’s a whopping four meals if you have stratergized correctly. And that doesn’t include second breakfast (Hobbit style!) and a couple of quick trips for snacks.

But wait, that’s not all.

At the buffet he ate nothing but meat. He regaled me with tales of prime rib, chicken, ribs, pork, bacon, roasted turkey and on and on and on. Naively I asked, “Did you ever go back for seconds?” Oh yes, he exclaimed! He knocked back as much as he could.

I could swear he looked more leathery upon his return.

After telling me all about how much he had eaten, it occurred to me. He hadn’t said a single word about how good any of it was.

Weirdly enough, his visit was actually documented in Wikipedia:

Meanwhile, after seeing a television advertisement about “The Frying Dutchman”‘s all you can eat offer, Homer insists that Marge come dine with him, so he arranges for Laura to babysit Bart and Lisa in his and Marge’s absence. After being served by the Sea Captain, Homer eats an excessive amount of food and is thrown out. He sues the restaurant for deceptive advertisement. Lionel Hutz is employed by him to represent him in court, and the Sea Captain and Homer eventually agree that Homer shall be displayed in the restaurant as “Bottomless Pete: Nature’s Cruelest Mistake.”

Source: Wikipedia

Then he began talking about the value.

This is when I checked out of the conversation and my brain began to run hog wild.

First, I invented a new diet. It’s called the All Meat Raw Foods Diet. I guarantee that it will kill you within seven days or your money back!

Next, I realized that Las Vegas was partially on to something here. The 24-hour all-you-can-eat buffet is a good start, but there’s so much more they could do. It’s not like Las Vegas to do something half-assed. (Even though that half-ass would belong to a naked skank.)

What they really need to do is expand the network of participating locations around the strip so that no visitor will ever have to waddle more than half a block to the nearest trough. Next, they need to offer a yearly pass. 24-hours is child’s play. $50 times 365 days is $18,250. They could offer a ten percent “volume” discount and mark it down to $16,425. Now that’s a bargain truly worthy of Las Vegas.

The yearly all-you-can-eat buffet would make Las Vegas the equivalent of the largest land-locked luxury cruise ship in the world – only without the horny captain running around killing passengers. (It has been reported that Captain Schettino’s dinner companion on the night of the crash was on the first lifeboat off the ship and with all of her belongings, implying that she was given advance notice before the abandon ship call went out to other passengers.)

Then I thought about nutrition. I’m no dietary expert but a diet that consists of “eat five pounds of meat per sitting” can’t make much sense, can it? Just how far can the “at least they’re not carbs” thing be taken? Seriously!

And, almost finally, some thoughts about value. Obviously the “value” is directly proportional to the variables “price” and “quantity eaten.” To get more value, one must eat more meat!

Remember: Do not be diverted by anything “not meat.” Your tummy must have a single-minded determination to function at optimum efficiency for this challenge! Always remember: You are an American!!!

I worked it out a little something like this:

• Price: $50. Meat consumed in 24 hours: 1/2 pound. Result: You fucking suck! That’s a unit price of $100 per pound! Go back home you goddamned vegetarian!
• Price: $50. Meat consumed in 24 hours: 1 pound. Result: I guarantee you that meat wasn’t delicious enough for $50 a pound. Not that taste matters. Fail.
• Price: $50. Meat consumed in 24 hours: 5 pounds. Result: Now we’re getting somewhere. Five pounds is respectable, but that’s still paying $10 a pound. Bear down (figure of speech) and try harder.
• Price: $50. Meat consumed in 24 hours: 10 pounds. Result: You probably use a Slim Jim as a toothpick. You’re a-okay in my book. $5 per pound is an awesome value.
• Price: $50. Meat consumed in 24 hours: 20 pounds. Result: Congratulations! Gun nuts can now legally hunt you(as long as they have the correct license. Otherwise it is considered “poaching.” At only $2.50 per pound, you have successfully found and obtained the only “sure thing” in the den of iniquity known as Las Vegas. Homer Simpson himself bows down to you.

Oh, yeah. My final thought? I know, I know. I almost forgot. Thanks for reminding me. Remember, you asked for this…

Pete came back from Las Vegas with 42 pounds of extra “baggage” in his lower intestine. That’s baggage dumped into my fine city’s sewer treatment system. That’s a lot of added load. Personally I think Las Vegas owes my town a check to offset those operating costs.

And that’s how we do a poop post here in the Abyss! In yo face!