Look into my eye and smile

In honor of SOPA protests today, I thought about protesting myself, but bloody hell. Why should I be the one doing you guys all of the favors? So I decided to go ahead and post so you can also suffer right along with me. (This post was written on SOPA protest day. -Ed.)

When that freak little magical being showed up and offered to grant me one wish, I did what anyone would do. I became suspicious and kicked him in the nards. No one can really grant wishes, right? So he/she/it must have been a liar.

In the past, I always stated with supreme confidence that if I was granted one wish it would be the ability to read the thoughts of other people. I always followed that up with a bold prediction: With that particular power, and within 30 days, I would become Supreme Ruler and Potentate of the Taker Planet. (Earth would be renamed by my decree.)

Yes, that power would make me just that invincible.

Sure, invisibility is always a strong contender for the one wish thingy, but in the end, I’m a heavy breather and I think it would be a waste of a power. Besides, what can you really hope to gain from watching strangers have lots of sex?

Recently, though, a new idea has been brewing. Just in case I ever get offered a wish, I need to be prepared, so I give this a lot of thought. If and when the time comes you need to be ready.

If you asked me today, without a doubt, my answer would be this. “I want video cameras implanted in my eyeballs.”

Seriously.

Oh, the shit these eyes have seen. Just for fun and jollies I’d like to be able replay the things that happen in front of my eyes. And maybe, just maybe, for once the world won’t think I’m totally batshit* crazy.

I’m just a (partially) normal guy, sadly going about his daily life, trying to find the will to fight for the urge to survive. Yet the things these eyes see on a daily basis would be rejected by Hollywood as “unrealistic” and “too far-fetched.”

If I had the video eyes then I could prove it. And that would be even better than knowledge is power or the voyeuristic sex watching thing. (Just to make sure there’s no misunderstanding I’m talking about invisibility. Don’t make this dirty.)

Here’s the smallest possible example I can think of that happened recently. I got off work. I drove in my car. It’s about one block to the stop sign and one more block to the traffic light. I hadn’t even gone that far before the wacky shit happened and I wished I was a DVR.

A car was approaching from the other direction and swerving erratically. I barely had time to think, “Yeah, I’m a drunk driver magnet,” before it happened. Even though I was only a few car lengths away, the car swerved to the side of the road then turned right in front of me. The fucker was lost and had decided to execute a U-turn, other drivers be damned.

Of course, the idiot didn’t have enough room and ended up at a complete stop and pointed right at the sidewalk. I, of course, decided there was no way in Hell that I would slow down. Stranger and I were on a collision course, sink or swim. We’d either both survive or end up roommates for all eternity in the fiery pits. I was rather calm and detached about the whole thing. I really didn’t have much preference about which way it went.

It was only the fact of my genetically superior intellect (and reflexes) that allowed us to survive. Without slowing down I adjusted my trajectory just enough to whizz by as the idiot struggled to comprehend, “U-turn no worky.”

And that’s when I realized, once again, that I wanted my sockets blasted clean to make way for Geordi’s visor. Dammit.

*Batshit. The gold standard of crazy. Accept no substitutes.