Fucking grats. A rock has completed another circuit around its star. You know what that means, right? I’ll be up late tonight cuddling my kitties who are freaked out by another round of “let’s shoot our guns straight up in the air” brought to you by the inbred idiots I call my neighbors.
That’s just swell.
According to NBC Today/MSNBC the fun doesn’t stop there, though. On Jan. 1, 2012, 40,000 new laws brought to life by signed bills will go into effect. Luckily for you and me that total does not include a mess of new federal “rules,” too.
For once I thought I’d try to get into the spirit of this stupid fucking made-up holiday that for most Americans is yet another excuse to go out and get shitfaced. To celebrate, I’m going to try to think up some more laws that should also exist.
Sound like fun?
Jan. 1, 2012, the following Abyss-sponsored laws also go into effect:
- Offense: Promoting a Justin Bieber concert, song or video. Punishment: 40 hours of watching Barney videos.
- Offense: Trafficking Mayan calendars. Punishment: 10 hours of serving as a human ottoman to Harold Camping.
- Offense: Restaurant claiming to have the “world’s greatest” food item. Punishment: Razing building and replacing it with a Wienerschnitzel. (Exception: If restaurant is already a Wienerschnitzel then new restaurant may be Starbucks, Cinnabon, or Popeye’s Chicken.)
- Offense: Being Next Gingrich. Punishment: Tattoo of scarlet letter “A” on forehead.
- Offense: Claiming there is a “war” on Christmas. Punishment: Forcible ingestion of non-lethal dose of mistletoe (in sufficient quantity to cause acute gastrointestinal problems including stomach pain, and diarrhea along with low pulse).
- Offense: Stealing yard signs of political opponents. Punishment: Lifetime ban on the right to vote and remedial “democracy” education.
- Offense: Tweeting location. Punishment: Required completion of centerpiece arrangement course offered by Martha Stewart and passing test demonstrating knowledge of all Ashton Kutcher tweets.
- Offense: Drinking beer before noon. Punishment: Forced attendance at more dangerous spectator area of NASCAR events for an entire season.
- Offense: Use of electronic internet device in restaurant. Punishment: Watching 96 hours of Pokemon and required completion of a “name them all” test.
- Offense: Marrying Kim Kardashian. Punishment: None. (This one must be decided by the Lord.)
- Offense: Email, tweet or other transmission of one’s genitalia without consent of recipient. Punishment: Ingestion of Brett Favre’s jock strap.
- Offense: Email, tweet or other transmission of one’s genitalia by an elected official. Punishment: One year service on Anthony Weiner’s staff.
- Offense: Giving a $4 million dollar gift to your spouse to buy acquiescence for affair and then cheating on them some more. Punishment: Not getting it back. And losing at least half of all remaining wealth in the divorce.
- Offense: Non-violent protest. Punishment: Pepper spray.
- Offense: Cheering the phrase “let him die.” Punishment: Lethal ingestion of 10 gallons of tea.
- Offense: Endorsing Donald Trump. Punishment: Forced hair replacement.
- Offense: Wearing white socks with black shoes. Punishment: Share prison cell with Charlie Sheen for 24 hours.
Hit comment and let me know what other societal-threatening offenses I missed. I’m sure we can come up with 40,000 more!
I’m now donning my helmet and going into a bulletproof chamber with my cats. If I survive the night I’ll see y’all tomorrow for the fake holiday.
Oh my, I sure hope my plan to spend lots of time in the new year mocking the Mayan end-of-the-world media hype doesn’t violate that new law of yours. I think I’m okay on the rest. But cheer up my friend. With luck, your “inbred idiot neighbors” will turn those guns on each other when the clock strikes midnight. Happy, Happy! 😀
I have this irrational fear of sitting in my chair or laying in bed and being hit by a stray bullet. If (when) that happens all I ask is that I have time to say something pithy before I go. Maybe something like, “Ouch” or “I hate all humans.”
I don’t want to put a damper on your plans, but my scientists are already hard at work on Mayan Calendar 2.0. I imagine it will be a big seller if any of us are around to see it.
Does the Scarlet “A” on Newt’s forehead stand for asshole or adulterer? Oh, that would be both! Happy fake New Year. This might be the last partying night in Utah with the ban on Happy Hour-priced drinks taking effect. This should be of serious concern to all teachers in Utah.
You see? The teacher in you is just amazing. You just illustrated how the lawmaking process should work. You’re right. It should be two blazing scarlet “A” tattoos on Newt’s head. You can scratch “improve a law” from your 2012 list of resolutions!
I did take note of the new law in Utah. Once again big brother steps in to mess with the free market. Only sobriety can come of this, and what then?
I only hope that this won’t prove to be a distraction to the Utahonians and their quest in the defense of marriage.
Offense: Being a self-righteous git about your “New Year’s Resolution”, proclaiming that THIS time you’ll pull it off…and cheating on it a week later. Suggested Punishment: Being forced to listen to talk-radio self-help “professionals” for the rest of the year, interspersed with commercials for Martha Stewart’s advice on everything from how to make the perfect holiday edible centerpiece to the treatment for facial tics brought about by self-deluding hypocrisy.
That’s why I’m the only human to make “smart” resolutions. I’ll keep track of them on my iPod Touch and I’m sure I’ll be way more successful at my resolutions than you. (In fact, I made that a resolution of it’s own.) I’m not self-righteous. It’s just that I’m the best and the rest of you suck.
By the way, what is a git? (Hint: See above.) 🙂
Self-help talk radio? Oh crap. I take it all back. I thought we had rules against cruel and unusual punishment?? Oh yeah, I forgot. That’s another thing the government has changed.
And how did you know I have facial tics?
Offense: Having a Gravatar without a picture or blog link. Punishment: I don’t get to see more of, and read more about, someone who’s either like’d a cool post or commented something funny.
Whoa. That’s brilliant. That totally should have made the list. Why aren’t you in Congress?
I’m always amazed when I see someone interest with no breadcrumbs to click. I used to provide a clinic for that.
Offense: Voting for “cool” or “outlier” candidates because you think life is a Hollywood movie. Punishment: Living with the real consequences.
You know me, I can’t go a day without speaking up for the animals. Offense: dissing or hurting animals. Punishment: Being tied up in a cage covered with honey with a mother Grizzly Bear and her cubs. I mention this because I was at a party last night where one guy I’ve known for years dared to say that he hated cats and told me what he’d like to do to them. This man is supposedly a pillar of the community! I always knew there was a reason I’d never quite warmed to him. I told him, “I never knew you had such a dark heart.”
Wow, you are timely. You wrote about idiots celebrating with guns, and here’s proof. Which is not to say that this guy was the one with a gun.
BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (AP) — The spokesman for a southern Argentine state says its governor has died of a shot to the head.
Julian Goinhex says Rio Negro Gov. Carlos Soria was celebrating the new year near the city of General Roca when he was killed.
Goinhex gave no further details about what happened.
The 62-year-old Soria was a member of the nation’s governing party.
It’s just another one of those things that humans do that defies all logic. It’s like having a job where you juggle sweaty sticks of dynamite. Sure, you can theoretically do it safely, but sooner or later humans fuck up.
As a society we also build our homes out of wood and 30 percent of us throw fiery flaming matter on the ground an average of 20 times a day. Logical.
I think anyone celebrating a holiday (or anything else, for that matter) but shooting a firearm should have to spend five years in jail. In the event their bullet hits anyone jump that to 20 years. And if anyone is killed? Execute ’em.
Your law is brilliant, of course. I love the stark action/consequence simplicity of it.
I actually did think about adding animal cruelty to my little list and some other serious matters like driving while intoxicated or a “bystander law” I’ve gone on so much about. Some things just aren’t funny.
I’m not going to claim that animal cruelty is a “gateway” form of violence and that it eventually leads to crimes against human beings. Instead, what I think, is that those who engage in cruelty against defenseless animals are trying to tell us something about themselves. If you get off on hurting animals then that’s all we really need to know about you. It is one of the great failings of our civilization that we don’t do more about this. It brings us much discredit.
All I can say is that I’m totally in awe of you. I’m sorry you had to meet a person like that but you handled yourself with style, flair and aplomb. I can’t believe you said that to his face! I wish it had been caught on YouTube for the rest of us to enjoy. Indiana Jones never said anything half as cool!
Offense: Tweeting about your New Year’s Eve hangover the next morning.
Punishment: Being pulled over and issued a Good Citizenship citation.
Auuugh the war on Christmas. The most one sided affair, ever.
Ever notice how those who have, oh, let’s say 99% of something, call any effort to the contrary a “war?” Never mind the fact that they already won long before the so-called “war” ever started.
Offense – Using OMG and the “F” bomb repeatedly. Punishment to be determined.
Do you have to make it so personal? LOL! Oh wait. OMG!!!
Since it was a fake holiday, I thought this was a fake post. 🙂
I’m surprised at the “that doesn’t happen here” comments. I didn’t know humans had that much going for them. Even a drop of goodness in a sea of shit is enough to surprise me.
I’ve been pondering that concept in relation to my reality. Suddenly it dawned on me. There are essentially three forms of entertainment on the radio in my home town.
Rap music: This is for the white “rebellious” suburban middle class kids who think they are inner-city pimp and gansta, yo. These are the ones who drive around in lowered Hondas with their windows rolled down, system cranked up, baseball hats on backwards, and their hand limp-wrist dangling over the top of their steering wheels. Yo.
Religious programing: There are umpteen channels of these including “Fun-Filled Future History with Harold Camping.”
The remaining stations only play two kinds of music: Country and Western.
Now do you see what it’s like where I live?