There I was, minding my own business, driving to work in the late mid-morning on Christmas Eve Eve. I had forgotten Christmas cookies and fudge at work and I wasn’t going to leave town without them. I also needed kitty litter. (It’s a fun combination. Try it sometime!)
In front of me was a burgundy Lexus. Even though the outside temperature was -75 degrees the driver’s side window was completely rolled down.
That can only mean one thing.
Yep. Cigarette ashes were being flicked out the window every 20 seconds or so. Seriously, why would anyone want that shit in their own car? Horrors. Nope. Always better to dump it on the rest of the people on Earth, otherwise known as The Suckas.
A few blocks down the road and the drama reached its inevitable conclusion. Fling! Bounce … bounce … bounce.
There, on the road in front of me, bounced the fiery object in question.
When I got back home, I did what any good husband would do. I tracked down my wife and regaled her with the story.
“Oh, yeah?” she said. She then told me how she had flipped off a pack of wild teens. (In my town teens exclusively travel in packs. A single teen gets eaten like a weakling wildebeest in no time.) She flipped them off on the street where we live. Within sight of our house. Apparently they were doing the “I see you coming so I’m going to playfully pretend to step off in front of you” routine. Always good fun for bored teens in a city where they like to whine, “They’re nothing to do in this damn town.”
True enough. For those without active brain cells this is indeed a very boring town.
Anyway, to prove her cleverness, my wife drove a bit further and went around the block to throw them off the scent. She forgot to double-back on her trail, however. Any tracker worth his salt will be able to find us with ease. I’m probably in the crosshairs right now. Nice knowin’ y’all.
I congratulated my wife on her tale. It was a worthy response to the story I had just shared. But I wasn’t finished. Not yet. Oh no.
I would not be outdone. “That reminds me,” I said, “of the time I came up on these kids walking down the middle of the street…”
They were not crossing the street. They were not walking diagonally across. They were literally walking straight down the middle with no intention of heading towards either side. Much like the coyote chasing the road runner, they didn’t realize they could get out of the way merely by veering off.
I slowly came up on them. Finally they turned to look behind them, apparently alerted by the sound of my car’s engine. They looked shocked.
“What the hell?” they must have been thinking. “A car?? Here?? In a street?? What are the fucking odds of that???”
It was truly a perplexing problem for their infant-sized brains that had never experienced education beyond the third grade. I’ll be honest. It was fun to watch.
Still, in this particular scenario, I had a job to do, and I wasn’t going to fail to do my part. So I shot of a stern glare in their direction. Take that, miscreant street walkers, I thought triumphantly to myself!
Outplayed, the group reluctantly split in two, and, ever so slowly, began to make way. It took forever.
Finally they made an enough room and I cautiously made my way. I had to be cautious since people this dumb could walk right back in front of my car without even realizing it. And squishing them, although fun, would ultimately ruin my day.
I noticed that one of the youngsters was busy noshing on some sort of hamburger that he had obtained at McDonald’s. To this day I’m still not sure if it was a Big Mac, Quarter Pounder, hamburger, the McLean Deluxe, or even the McD.L.T. (See below to watch Jason Alexander bring this particular burger to life. Oh, sweet styrofoam!)
Whatever it was, at the moment my car cruised by that kid made a fateful decision. I’m sure it’s one that haunts him to this very day. Our eyes met and we were both jolted as if we were frozen in time. His face was held rigid, just a bit of ketchup on his lip, in one of the most delicious expressions of hate and contempt I had ever seen.
Then the moment was over and it happened.
He threw his hamburger at my car.
Yeah, that’s the sound of hamburger impacting on the side panel of my car. It’s a sound I’ll never forget.
For the audacity of trying to drive my car, on a street of all unimaginable places, the kid had just decided he no longer needed his lunch! Presumably at some moment in the past he he thought the burger was worth money, he wanted it that bad. But that was then and this was now. Suddenly it was more important to act against me than hold on to his nutrition.
It’s a moment seared into my brain just like I imagine that patty had been previously seared to a grill.
I belly laughed as I drove on into the sunset, wondering how long it would take the kid to realize, “Hey, I got no lunch,” then look down to the street and see his weapon of choice.
So, that’s it. I’m about to embark on another Christmas adventure. My wife is packing 80 things. I packed one bag. I put my one bag in the empty car I had just cleaned. And I got yelled at for putting it in the wrong spot. It’s time to hit the road.
Oh, yeah. Did I do it? Did I make it all the way through another post without any of my world-famous guru angst? It’s another holiday miracle!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good blight!