Day Ten #BlogFestivus – The Book of Tom

festivusThis story is part of BlogFestivus: 12 short stories, 12 days, 12 Days of Christmas. An I.Q. of 12 is also extremely helpful but not required. Oh, the stories have to be exactly 144 words in length, too. You know, that’s 12 times 12. (Use a calculator if you need proof.) The real bitch of this challenge is that you have to incorporate the words from the famous “12 Days of Christmas” song, too. Sick stuff, really. You can find more of these unique stories by clicking this link for a complete list of festive BlogFestivus participants.

The Book of Tom
by Tom B. Taker

Tom was out back catching up on some gardening. He was kneeling by a bush when it suddenly burst into flame.

God as he appeared on Top Chef: Deities

“What the fuck?” Tom shouted, leaping away and peeing himself a little.

“Calm down, Tom. It’s only me. God.”

“Oh,” Tom replied, completely nonplussed. “Nice to meet you, I guess. Listen, I’m a little busy at the moment, and I also need to change my shorts.” Tom turned to walk away, showing his back to the bush. Its flames flashed through spectrums of color in surprise.

“Hang on a sec, will ya?” said God. “I’ve got a proposition for you.”

“Not interested.”

God’s anger was aroused. “I am the Lord thy God,” he boomed. “Thou shalt listen!”

“Like I have time to be the next chapter in your Bible. Go to Hell.”

The bush and Tom stared down awkwardly, then burst out laughing.

8 responses

  1. Tell the truth…that photo is really you, right? “G” for Guru and the way you handle that pepper grinder…that’s a man with experience. 😉

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    1. Nope. Not me. Look at the build on that guy! That could never be me. But I do enjoy a robust pepper grinder. I love freshly ground pepper! 🙂

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    1. I have an attitude. It just happens to be a bad one.

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  2. Mocking God at Christmas hmmmm. Galatians 6:7-8:

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    1. I looked up “mock” in the dictionary and, among other things, it said “scornful” and “contemptuous.” That wasn’t my intent here. I was just trying to be different and unique with my interpretation and, hopefully, be a little humorous. No offense was intended.

      Those who know me know that I frequently jest about being the subject matter for a new book in the Bible. Specifically it would be a modern day sequel to the Book of Job.

      The original version of this story was much darker. Under direction of my wife’s intelligence it went off in a more humorous (hopefully) direction.

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  3. Way not to be intimidated by, you know, omnipotence!

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    1. My title is actually “Supreme Ruler of the Universe” but that’s another story.

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Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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