Facebook lies

I received an email from Facebook. Yes, I have a Facebook account, but to my credit, I almost never go there. So woots for me!

Unlike some of you who run to Facebook to publish microblogs like, “I just took a shit!” or “I dropped a deuce,” I don’t go there very often. In fact, I often stay away for weeks at a time.

Therefore, I occasionally receive emails like these. No doubt the likes of which most of you have never seen:

The subject line reads, and I quote: Tom, you have notifications pending

Naturally this made me curious. So I went and visited Facebook. What did I see?

Aha! If indeed I have notifications “pending” why the fuck is that little notification icon looking all bland and shit? Riddle me that, Batman!

I think Facebook must have had a staff meeting this morning.

“Yo, dudes. Sup? Howz we doin’ and shiznit?” (This would be the illustrious leader The Zuck.)

“Boss, we’re doing okay, but we could be better. You know, that whole Google Plus thing.” Nods around the table.

“But there is another problem. It seems Tom B. Taker hasn’t logged in for a couple of weeks.”

“That’s too easy,” says The Zuck. “Does he have any notifications pending? We’ll just send him an email about them!”

“That’s the problem. He doesn’t.”

“Jesus Christ! Who the fuck is this guy?”

Two hours later a scheme was born. The Zuck explained it. “See here, this is what we’ll do. We’ll send this flaming tard an email that says he has notifications pending. Our market research he’s just dumb enough to fall for that. You know what they say. There’s a zucker born every minute.” Laughter. “Our stats will be back up in no time!”

It’s hard to imagine that so much goes into a single email, eh?

“But, boss. What if he doesn’t fall for it?”

“Then we’ll do what we always do. We’ll send FBook Force out to break his fucking legs.”

And that’s how I wasted five minutes of my life to start another glorious Friday.

11 responses

  1. The other day, I was bitching cos they kept having a “new event” thinger. When I went to events, it said none…same deal only not via email but on the actual FB page. I hate FB. Hate. FB. Hate.

    Sorry, I get kinds stuck on that.


    1. I can only wonder why. Why do they have to lie? Why do they have to trick us onto their precious little website? Are they really that desperate for the hits?


  2. Well, as we all can see, my bidness is all up in the FB. 🙂
    And, I think you need to patent the word “zucker.” Seriously, that’s genius!


    1. Let’s see. Before I can patent the word I have to be able to prove I can use the word in a sentence. I will try.

      Yo, Amy! I was on the FB checking out all the updates about your zucker and other bidness. I love living vicariously through your status updates.

      Heh! 🙂


    2. amy and I are very important people. you should care about our facebook shenanigans!


  3. My favorite was the email I got from facebook telling me that they would be cutting down on the amount of email they would be sending. Fucking Zuckerberg.


    1. LOL, yeah, that. I’m actually a bit surprised that event didn’t rip open a tear in the fabric of the universe and tilt the balance of the space-time continuum. Isn’t that a bit like matter and anti-matter coming into contact?

      “Click here if you’d like to opt-out of emails explaining the number of emails that we’ll send to you.”

      Welcome to the series of tubes! I like the idea of a blog created with an iPad. Clever. 🙂


  4. The joys of Facebook… Or not >.<.


    1. There’s a lot not to like. They need a button for that.


      1. I know that my friends and I sometimes just post “unlike” on things. Because we all want an unlike button so freaking badly.


  5. I like what you have to say about unlike!


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: