Hollywood’s summertime blues

Hollywood Sign

Everyone say it with me now: Awwwwwwwww!

Poor, poor Hollywood.

Hollywood is feeling sad because the summer of 2011 had the lowest movie attendance since 1997. That’s so sad. So all you peeps in the industry only made thousands of times my yearly salary? Wow. I feel for you. Truly!

Because I am a benevolent guru, I’m willing to take a few previous moments out of my day to offer a little advice that just might help you out of your doldrums. Even though I know never in a million years will you listen or follow this advice. You’d rather die first, right?

The solution is simple. Make the movie going experience more fun than licking all the urinals in town.

The problem is simple. Your product is defective. Seriously. Who the fuck wants to go to a theater and sit with a bunch of rude and disgusting assholes?

Hey, I’m serious. Not once in my life has a movie theater ever given half a shit about my “experience.” Not once!

Not once have I ever seen a movie theater eject people for talking. For answering cell phone calls during the movie. (Even during United 93.) Or for any reason.

Never have I seen anyone ejected. Ever. The fact of the matter is this: Movie theaters have no system for proactively protecting the experience. Actually, I find that a bit mind boggling because that experience is their product.

In the world of business there is sometimes a principle which holds true: Don’t give a shit about your product and your bottom line just may be affected.

Fix that and maybe more people will decide to try your product again. Until then, fuck it. We’re willing to wait and watch at home.

Fix your product and they will come. I’m mostly talking to the theater chains here, but I’m also talking directly to Hollywood. They’re nitpicky about all sorts of other things, I think they should give a shit about their end users, too. They should team up with the chains to improve things. It is only to their own benefit. The reality is simple: If people find it too unpleasant to go to the movies they’ll eventually decide not to go, especially when faced with ever-growing exorbitant ticket prices.

Make going to movies fun again, dammit. Or shut yer bitching about declining attendance.

9 responses

  1. i’ve been reading your past 5 posts and u r a very funny intuitive person. thanks for sharing. keep on


    1. I’m honored that you visited my humble blog. I hope you took advantage of my complimentary decontamination chamber before venturing back to the real world. Trust me, you don’t want to be out there with any residual slime.

      I hear that Hollywood is making a movie about the story of my life. It’s called “Final Destination 6.” Free tickets for all my bloggy friends.

      I’m now off to visit your blog. I am highly intrigued by a post entitled, “Let Love Come, Even When It Poops On You.” That sounds like it is right up my alley!


      1. laughing heartily

        thank u so much for connecting w me.


  2. Why go to the movies when I could sit on the corner and watch traffic pass by?


    The corner smells as bad, I have a 50/50 chance of sitting on gum, strange people will come sit next to me and a dog could pee on my shoe. All happened before but at least the corner is free.


    1. I agree with you. There have been times I’m forced to wait in public places where humans wander around aimlessly. Like in the WalMart parking lot. Those are the places where I recharge my negative energies. It’s like a smorgasbord of evil. It always refreshes.

      Speaking of pee, I noticed the other day that the cow orker took her took out for a potty break. I noticed she went out and stood right by my car. I guess that explains the yellowing of my whitewalls.


  3. You are too silly!

    The theatre’s I go to tend to be beautiful –albeit, I live in this town and go only to the bling theatres IF I GO — great leg room, nice cushiony reclining seating, guards (or whatever they’re called) at the doorways ready in a moments notice to kick people out. Of course we pay about $15 a friggin’ ticket, but if we’re going to budget in the movies that’s the only place we’ll go. Quite hefty for a family though. You’re not even talking about popcorn, chocolate and a soda. The economy bites for sure — but I think a lot of other theatres would like to upgrade becuase these venues (if you will) do create a very beautiful atmosphere to watch whatever movie you’re watching — even a bad one.

    On a side note, Hollywood film-makers are not the same as theatre owners. Yes, there’s a bond between them — but it’s like a European fashion designer being concerned with how a local store markets their jeans after the designer has sold them the product. Don’t get me wrong, I agree theatre’s should be fixed and the rules inforced – -but I’m not surprised by the disconnect between filmmakers, studios and theatre owners. I once wrote a letter to a local theatre complaining about the unswept floors and dank smell — and ever since that local theatre is always cleaned – -a fluke for sure, but also maybe enough people sending a letter could clean it up a bit — Hey, you never know.

    Now Hollywood making bad movies? And charging $15 a pop? Yeah, that’s a whole other story! Blog about THAT please! That’s what kills me!



    1. Me? Silly? Mwuhahahaha!

      I appreciate your reply. Beautiful theaters? We don’t have such a concept in my neck of the woods. I can imagine how that would be nice. On the other hand, unless you have the whole place to yourself, there will still be disgusting humans in there with you. Ick!

      Speaking logically, I believe that Hollywood has to care about the end user experience. If not, they risk things like, gee whiz, perhaps a summer with the lowest attendance since 1997. And that just happened.

      Change is not necessary. Survival is not mandatory.

      Many companies and industries in our history failed to heed that simple advice and ceased to exist.

      I’m willing to help even more! Use modern technology to monitor movie theaters for things like audience noise and light signatures from electronic devices. Offenders identified by the system can easily be ejected. Viola. Overnight movies will be fun again!

      It would be nice if the system could also detect excess farts, but even I don’t hold out hope that could ever happen. We lack the political will go that far.


  4. We are too lazy and cheap to go to a movie theater. My husband and I wait for the movie to come out on DVD and then get it from the library. If it goes straight to DVD, all the better. We can see a crappy movie even faster! We have a wonderful public library for which we are assessed mucho taxes, so I take advantage!

    There are some drawbacks to waiting so long for the popular movies to be available. Whenever people are placing bets on the Oscar winners, I’m just catching up on the winner from the previous year. Who can beat sitting on your own cat-hair covered sofa watching DVDs from the library that are usually in good condition. After all, the library patrons didn’t use these dvds for coasters — or did they?

    We do have some nice theaters in town, so I’ve been told. I used to go to one that was so run-down that rainwater dripped down in front of the screen. I thought it was a special effect. We went to this theater because it was close and there were never any crowds! Can’t imagine why few people were there. Actually, we do go to the luxe movie theaters about five times a year, but try to hit the matinee time. Do you see a pattern here? 😉


    1. Yeah, in the vast majority of cases I don’t mind waiting.

      I think rainwater down the screen is better than 3D. At least you don’t need those horrible glasses and you don’t have to pay extra. Count your blessings! 🙂


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