Everyone say it with me now: Awwwwwwwww!

Poor, poor Hollywood.

Hollywood is feeling sad because the summer of 2011 had the lowest movie attendance since 1997. That’s so sad. So all you peeps in the industry only made thousands of times my yearly salary? Wow. I feel for you. Truly!

Because I am a benevolent guru, I’m willing to take a few previous moments out of my day to offer a little advice that just might help you out of your doldrums. Even though I know never in a million years will you listen or follow this advice. You’d rather die first, right?

The solution is simple. Make the movie going experience more fun than licking all the urinals in town.

The problem is simple. Your product is defective. Seriously. Who the fuck wants to go to a theater and sit with a bunch of rude and disgusting assholes?

Hey, I’m serious. Not once in my life has a movie theater ever given half a shit about my “experience.” Not once!

Not once have I ever seen a movie theater eject people for talking. For answering cell phone calls during the movie. (Even during United 93.) Or for any reason.

Never have I seen anyone ejected. Ever. The fact of the matter is this: Movie theaters have no system for proactively protecting the experience. Actually, I find that a bit mind boggling because that experience is their product.

In the world of business there is sometimes a principle which holds true: Don’t give a shit about your product and your bottom line just may be affected.

Fix that and maybe more people will decide to try your product again. Until then, fuck it. We’re willing to wait and watch at home.

Fix your product and they will come. I’m mostly talking to the theater chains here, but I’m also talking directly to Hollywood. They’re nitpicky about all sorts of other things, I think they should give a shit about their end users, too. They should team up with the chains to improve things. It is only to their own benefit. The reality is simple: If people find it too unpleasant to go to the movies they’ll eventually decide not to go, especially when faced with ever-growing exorbitant ticket prices.

Make going to movies fun again, dammit. Or shut yer bitching about declining attendance.