I hate that little snot

It’s another Feckless Friday here in the Abyss. Let’s celebrate with a little more time travel, eh? Feckless Friday should be, above all else, lighthearted and fun. Let’s have some fun.

What did you know when you were a pimply-faced teenager? Did you have it all figured out? Did you know which end was up?

Did you know the value of money?

Did you make good decisions?

I learned to drive early. On the day of my 16th birthday I took and passed the test for my driver’s license.

It’s a miracle I’m still alive. I’m here to say that when it comes to my early driving career, I stared down into the face of the Abyss. I basically offered up my neck on a silver platter and said, with my driving, “Take me if you want me. I’m yours.”

For some strange reason, the Abyss declined the offer. I guess I did have a bit of luck.

There was the time I went flying down a highway offramp in the rain. I applied my brakes a little too late. The result? I went spinning doing 360 circles all the way through a busy intersection. I was doing 360’s before Tony Hawk and that carrot top snowboarding Olympics guy were even born.

Then there was the time I fell asleep on a huge-ass bridge hundreds of feet above a huge-ass river. Yep. I drove over a bridge while asleep. It’s my special gift. That time the Abyss provided a concrete barrier and the right set of circumstances for me to bump myself awake and drive to the other side of the river while still alive.

Then there was the time it was late, dark, foggy, and I was driving a curvy mountainous road. It was also the end of a double date. My friend and his date were in the back seat and I had something “curvy” sitting next to me, too. With my little teenage brain I logically concluded that the steering wheel was optional compared to those other curves. Biff! Off the road we went. Luckily it was only a ditch and not the cliff on the other side.

My point here? Most teenagers don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. Most of us who reach adulthood are probably lucky as hell.

I’ve always believed that 16 is way too young to allow someone to drive. I think the driving age should be a bit higher. Thirty sounds about right to me.

Most young people can’t make decisions. It’s because they don’t have the ability to see “consequence” yet. True, there are some notable exceptions, but they are a rarity. Not the norm.

For this reason, you should probably be at least thirty before deciding major things in your life, too. Things like:

  • Should I get married?
  • Should I become a parent?
  • What should I major in at college?
  • Should I start smoking?

You get the drift. The person making those decisions is way too damn young. And that’s the idiot who determined my future, who made things what they are today?

I hate that shithead. If I could go back in time I’d kick him in the nards. That little bastard, single-handedly, had more impact on my life than any other force in the universe.

He better hope I never get my hands on him.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NMph943tsw]

2 responses

  1. Awesome. I don’t know how many times after I told a story from my younger days it was followed by “I don’t know how I am still here today”. It’s damn miracle I tell ya! This rings true after one night when I was around 19 years old…Yes I’m going to share a story…
    A friend and I went to a club (both underage) we immediately go to the bathroom after entering to wash off the big fat black ‘X’s’ off our hands and start drinking. On the way home my friend lights up a doobie (don’t judge I was young and dumb, the whole point of your post) we smoke it but don’t inhale of course and she is driving. The next morning we wake up and she looks at me and asks “did you drive home last night?” Umm…No you did and I feel awesome about the fact that you don’t remember. Again, its a god damn miracle I am alive today, there is a shit ton more stories like that.
    And..good day.
    ps. I hope your day goes well (going off of your comment on my blog). I am getting a root canal here in an hour if that makes you feel any better. 🙂


    1. No, your pain doesn’t make me feel better. It just make me feel bad for you! I hope that goes well. Root canals bite. Literally!

      I love stories. All things being equal, I’m glad you lived.

      Once I get my hands on the funky DeLorean I’ll pick you up if you want.


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