The Two Days of Christmas

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. But will we be together?

What Boss Is This?

Which is the reason for the season? Business or Christmas? Or, perhaps, the business of Christmas? It can get complicated. And it depends on many factors.

Of course, if your boss is Scrooge, you can pretty well guess how it’s all going to go down, right? Suddenly it’s all too simple.

My last two bosses have a lot in common. No need to rehash the whole thing. In short, they both love to eat money, they both are in retail, and they both have fake Photoshopped pictures of their business on their websites. They both consider themselves to be virtuous paragons of Christianity, too.

And they both hate to shut down for any holiday.

The day after Thanksgiving? No brainer. We’re open, of course. They’ll reluctantly shut down for the big day, but that’s it. Go on. Take the time with your family. Enjoy the day. Just don’t try to travel anywhere. Feel free to visit all of the relatives you want as long as they live in the same town.

Wow. How thoughtful.

Of course, we all know that day is called Black Friday. Even for a tiny little operation, that’s a day devoted to the unbridled lust for money.

It’s about the same for Christmas, too. Thanks to my bosses I have some precious memories of Christmas:

As an atheist, Christmas is a very important time of the year to me. It represents the holy grail of the most precious gift of all. Time away from my job!

Christmas and the Calendar

What’s the best possible scenario for Christmas scheduling? I think it’s when Christmas Eve falls on a Thursday and Christmas Day falls on a Friday. If you have a half-way decent boss, you just got yourself a four-day weekend! Even if your boss is a dick you still get a three-day weekend.

What’s the worst possible scenario? Have you looked ahead to December in 2011 yet? Take a look. Read ’em and weep.

Yep. This year we are facing Christmasaggedon. That’s Christmas Eve on a Saturday and Christmas Day on a Sunday. That’s absolutely the worst possible Christmas scheduling that mankind has yet devised.

If you have a greed-based boss, he’ll have an evil twinkle in his eye, rub his hands together, and exclaim, “God bless profits, every one! No extra days off for Christmas this year!”

Naturally us grunts assumed he’d at least make it a three-day weekend, even though days off are unpaid. (It’s well worth it.) No such luck.

Luckily, however, I anticipated all of this, and I thought to look ahead before my coworker thought of it. Days off request, baby. I took Friday and Monday off. He approved the request then talked about it in the office. Oops. Now the coworker knows. Too bad, so sad!

Sweet four-day Christmas weekend bliss.

Thank you, Father Christmas, that I had the foresight to plan ahead! At least someone is looking out for me. (Yeah, me, myself and I. We discussed this during our last meeting.)

Merry Christmas to me!

12 responses

  1. Wow, you do plan ahead! Heck, it’s not even Labor Day yet. It’s terrible you get screwed out of the days off just because they happen on the weekend. You should get a set number of holidays a year, even if you have to use one for National Pickle Day.


    1. My wife’s boss is pregnant so my wife thought it would be a good idea to get a week of vacation in before the boss goes out and no one will be allowed to take a day off while she’s on maternity leave. I looked ahead to October and we picked a week. I blocked it out on the company calendar.

      The next day, the wife decided to move up the vacation because she didn’t want to cut things too close. What if the boss had her baby early? So I loaded up the calendar and … WTF?

      Coworker had already sneaked in and blocked off the week we wanted!

      I learned the lesson well. When it comes to time off on the company calendar it is dog eat dog, kill or be killed. To the victor go the spoils.

      I’m going to go out on a limb and wager that our boss would want to stay open on National Pickle Day.


  2. Excuse me but did you just not do a post on *blink* and time passing differently now that you’re older?

    Oh, I get it. This is the first of many “anticipation” posts. I’ll be sure not to blink. 😉


    1. Dammit, you’re right. I am looking forward to Christmas. I just broke every rule in the book.

      Luckily it’ll be over in the time it takes for that blink, then it will merely be regret, and I’m well used to that.


  3. Deborah the Closet Monster | Reply

    Holy shit. Please tell me the bulleted list of Christmas bonuses past is part fiction? And, though I know it’s not . . . is it bad that I laughed, not at the jackassery of it, but at how you related it?

    I’m glad you planned it out so you get some proper time away, but wish you didn’t #$%ing have to.


    1. Sorry. The Bulleted List of Christmas Bonuses Past is all too real. It’s not even part fiction. It’s one case where I needed no poetic license.

      If you don’t laugh at my pain then I won’t even know why I’m alive. That’s the purpose of this blog! So I salute you for that! 🙂


  4. My job is all about cutting our hours, so opposite. Many years ago, I recall when 16 hour days were mandatory. You made more money (yay) but nearly died having that 2 hour a day commute on top. Good thing I was young then. Now, all I’ve got to pray to Baby Bejeebers in thanks for is a) having any job b) time (even if not being paid for it, at least it’s mine).


    1. I’ve learned you can always one-up me. I’m in awe. 🙂 Personally I believe 16 hour days should be illegal. But we all know that only the wants and needs of the company are what matter. Employees are as expendable as Duracell batteries.

      I used to work 12-hour days when I was a supervisor and I had a three-hour commute. On a good day. Bad days could be four hours or more.

      Bosses never seem to get the sacredness of time off. You own my ass when I’m being paid. When I’m not being paid you don’t get jack shit. Ever. So fuck you and you’re little Christmas party that you delude to let you feel good about yourself as a person. No one suddenly thinks you’re a good person just because you made us show up at your house for a fucking potluck Christmas “party” where you give us a $50 WalMart card after helping you achieve your dream of making 25x our income while we do ALL the work.


      1. I don’t mean to one-up you. And speaking of which, that kind of one-upping isn’t exactly something to brag about, is it? Your posts simply make me reflect on related topic as it relates in my life…I rather think as a writer, that would be a goal.


  5. By the way, check out this story on Slate. It almost makes a $50 Walmart card seem pretty good!

    Slate: The Corporate Scrooge Contest Results
    America’s worst office Christmas parties, gifts, and bonuses.


  6. madtante, if you know me at all by now, and I think you do, then you know that when I put things like that, it is meant as the highest form of praise! 😉

    Goal? What the hell is a goal? I’m supposed to have some kind of goal when I’m writing?


    Back to the drawing board, I guess.


  7. Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:

    This year we’re staring down the barrel at the Tue/Wed version of the Christmas holiday. It’s not ideal, but it’s also not the worst. Here I explain how the placement on Christmas day on the weekly calendar works and why it matters.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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