We modern humans have a lot to remember lest we get fucked. Turn off the coffee pot. Make sure all the doors and windows are locked. Don’t forget to pour a cup of that coffee you made before leaving for work. (Trust me on this one. It sucks to make a pot, arrive at work, then say, “Hey, motherfuck! Where in the name of Zeus’ butthole is my coffee?” That is one of the worst feelings in the world.)
Got a cold and you forgot your snot pills at home?
Lock the keys in the car?
Forget to pay a bill and now your internet is turned off?
Make a $2 error on your checking account and the bank where you’ve done business for the last ten years is more than happy to run everything through and charge you a grand total of $480 for the mistake?
Fail to pass on an important message and now you’re shit scum?
Sit on your eyeglasses?
Bump your iThing and it lands on the hard concrete in just the right way to smash into a zillion pieces and never work again?
Forget to feed and/or water the cats? Or forget to empty the litter box?
The point is this: We’re in a hurry. We’re under pressure. We’ve got a lot on our minds. And if you ever fuck up and forget one tiny little detail, the Universe will roar right up at you and tap you on the shoulder with a sledgehammer and say, “Got you, motherfucker!”
I found out the other day our kitchen window had been left unlocked. Probably for a couple of years.
This morning, my wife went to go to work. Suddenly I heard her screaming my name. Apparently after we went grocery shopping yesterday we failed to lock the car. It was sitting in our driveway unlocked.
Cue the Universe. “I’ll take it from here, ma’am.”
Her car had been completely ransacked. The glove box was open and everything had been strewn about. Papers, garbage and stuff covered both floorboards and front seats. Someone had gone through the car looking for valuables. And failed to clean up after themselves.
Thankfully, as far as we know, there was nothing valuable in there.
As far as the Universe is concerned, this was just a love tap. Under the visor was a remote to our garage door. With trepidation we opened the door to take a look. What a relief. My mountain bike was still there. Nothing seemed to be missing. Of course, from the garage the miscreants could have walked right into our home while we were asleep.
Apparently the Universe wasn’t interested in totally shitting on us. This time. Perhaps it was just doing us a favor by giving us a little reminder to remain even more vigilant. I mean, if you’re not thinking about bad stuff and protecting yourself 24/7 then you’re not living the good life yet, right?
We live in a nice subdivision. It’s a newer part of town. The houses here are all less than four years old. Even so, packs of wild animals known as Unsupervised Teens constantly roam the streets. (These are the younglings of species Assholius Parentus.) We find garbage in the gutter and cigarette butts way up our driveway. These kids eyeball you and act like they own the world. Yes, there is strength in numbers which is why Unsupervised Teen scum always travel in herds.
I guess they spend their evenings testing car doors to determine which are unlocked. It’s probably the only skill they really have.
I’m thinking what I’d really like to do is wire up the car to deliver a lethal shock. But, of course, the Universe would still be there to test my vigilance, right? I’d forget that one little detail and end up zapping my own ass.
Thanks, Universe. Keep testing and probing to see what mistakes we’ve made. Never let us get away with anything. Keep us honest.
So how did I do? Was this an enjoyable piece of Flash Friction? Stay tuned because there will be more. Just as soon as I forget something else important, probably something involving my Congressman-organ and a zipper.
It’s reassuring to hear the universe cares.
And to think I keep hoping (naively) that the Universe will someday forget about me. No chance of that!
I’m sorry to hear about the glovebox but glad nothing was stolen or destroyed.
I’m sure in a day or two we’ll start looking for something, like our brand new digital camera, and go, “D’oh! I bet that was in the car.”
This morning was a cluster fuck goat fuck and we were zipping about like Flash Gordon while getting ready for work. I won’t be surprised if it turns out that we missed something.
By the way, I just remembered I forgot to adjust the temperature setting on our thermostat. The cats are really going to be living in the lap of luxury today while we’re out getting buttfucked at our jobs.
You were very lucky that you got off with just a warning. But, of course, now you know that next time the Universe will not be so kind. My condolences in advance.
You’re far too kind. When it comes down I’ll be sure to let you know and retroactively apply your condolences. Until then, I guess you all better hope I never drive through your home town. That could be ugly for you.
Glad the universe worked out for you this time. Or that teen scum are too clueless to check the visor for a garage door opener. Whichever one.
You’re right, of course. All hail teen cluelessness!!! 🙂