Stick me up on your way down
Here’s a bit of news in honor of 7/11 day…
Two teenage girls exited the local 7/11. They were accosted by a 45-year-old transient who shoved one of them and made off with a disclosed amount of cash. (The loot was a five dollar bill.) The transient went into the 7/11 convenience store and purchased an undisclosed amount of beer.
The robber then exited the 7/11 and threw the change from his transaction at the teenage girls.
One of the girls then confronted the master criminal who then slapped her in the face and departed the scene on foot.
Police caught the suspect a few blocks away and took him into custody on charges of theft, robbery, assault and harassment. He was lodged in the county jail. It turned out the suspect was already on parole for a prior charge of robbery.
I’m personally offering to buy the arresting officers in this case a 128 US fl oz (3.8 l) Team Gulp in the soft drink flavor of their choice.
Remember, if your town doesn’t have a 7/11 store, then your town isn’t stylish yet.
Flash Friction: The Ever Probing Universe
The Universe couldn't be here to accept this award so Space Donut accepts on its behalf. Where have you been hiding, Space Donut? Long time no see!
We modern humans have a lot to remember lest we get fucked. Turn off the coffee pot. Make sure all the doors and windows are locked. Don’t forget to pour a cup of that coffee you made before leaving for work. (Trust me on this one. It sucks to make a pot, arrive at work, then say, “Hey, motherfuck! Where in the name of Zeus’ butthole is my coffee?” That is one of the worst feelings in the world.)
Got a cold and you forgot your snot pills at home?
Lock the keys in the car?
Forget to pay a bill and now your internet is turned off?
Make a $2 error on your checking account and the bank where you’ve done business for the last ten years is more than happy to run everything through and charge you a grand total of $480 for the mistake?
Fail to pass on an important message and now you’re shit scum?
Sit on your eyeglasses?
Bump your iThing and it lands on the hard concrete in just the right way to smash into a zillion pieces and never work again?
Forget to feed and/or water the cats? Or forget to empty the litter box?
The point is this: We’re in a hurry. We’re under pressure. We’ve got a lot on our minds. And if you ever fuck up and forget one tiny little detail, the Universe will roar right up at you and tap you on the shoulder with a sledgehammer and say, “Got you, motherfucker!”
I found out the other day our kitchen window had been left unlocked. Probably for a couple of years.
This morning, my wife went to go to work. Suddenly I heard her screaming my name. Apparently after we went grocery shopping yesterday we failed to lock the car. It was sitting in our driveway unlocked.
Cue the Universe. “I’ll take it from here, ma’am.”
Her car had been completely ransacked. The glove box was open and everything had been strewn about. Papers, garbage and stuff covered both floorboards and front seats. Someone had gone through the car looking for valuables. And failed to clean up after themselves.
Thankfully, as far as we know, there was nothing valuable in there.
As far as the Universe is concerned, this was just a love tap. Under the visor was a remote to our garage door. With trepidation we opened the door to take a look. What a relief. My mountain bike was still there. Nothing seemed to be missing. Of course, from the garage the miscreants could have walked right into our home while we were asleep.
Apparently the Universe wasn’t interested in totally shitting on us. This time. Perhaps it was just doing us a favor by giving us a little reminder to remain even more vigilant. I mean, if you’re not thinking about bad stuff and protecting yourself 24/7 then you’re not living the good life yet, right?
We live in a nice subdivision. It’s a newer part of town. The houses here are all less than four years old. Even so, packs of wild animals known as Unsupervised Teens constantly roam the streets. (These are the younglings of species Assholius Parentus.) We find garbage in the gutter and cigarette butts way up our driveway. These kids eyeball you and act like they own the world. Yes, there is strength in numbers which is why Unsupervised Teen scum always travel in herds.
I guess they spend their evenings testing car doors to determine which are unlocked. It’s probably the only skill they really have.
I’m thinking what I’d really like to do is wire up the car to deliver a lethal shock. But, of course, the Universe would still be there to test my vigilance, right? I’d forget that one little detail and end up zapping my own ass.
Thanks, Universe. Keep testing and probing to see what mistakes we’ve made. Never let us get away with anything. Keep us honest.
So how did I do? Was this an enjoyable piece of Flash Friction? Stay tuned because there will be more. Just as soon as I forget something else important, probably something involving my Congressman-organ and a zipper.
Park as I say, not as I park
Thankfully the asshole neighbors are long gone. We never give those pieces of a shit a second thought.
Except…
Somehow, one of them remained behind. A woman with a red car apparently knew the neighbors across the street and when the house next door vacated, she merely started hanging out there. Her car never really left our neighborhood.
That red car became a fixture on the curb right in front of the house belonging to our neighbors on the left. For once a dump by the Universe missed me! It took of out my neighbor as collateral damage instead.
If that red car was parked in front of my house 24/7 week after week I would have been livid. The car never moved. Maybe once every couple of weeks or so.
Apparently my neighbor was mad, too. He put a note on her car one day and, out of curiosity, I took an innocent little peak at it. Yep, he was mad. Just like I would have been.
Eventually the people across the street moved out, too, and the woman with the red car apparently had to go freeload somewhere else. Awww.
Today my wife was chatting with our neighbor and got filled in on some of the details. He said that after he’d left his note the woman had retaliated with a note of her own. Her note said that she had checked with the city cops and it was legal for her to park in front of his house, so she wasn’t about to stop.
His wife finally had enough so she went across the street to take care of things. She talked to a woman to turned out to be the mother of the woman with the red car. Finally, the story was told.
You see, it turned out that the mother didn’t want her daughter’s red car parked in front of her house so she ordered the daughter to park it elsewhere, like in front of our neighbor’s house. Anywhere was fine as long as it didn’t impact them. Pissing off the neighbors? Fine and dandy. Yes, we don’t want our own car impacting our own view now, do we? Our shit should always be someone else’s problem and never our own.
Assholes!
That house is vacant now and new neighbors are on the way. Anyone want to lay odds on if they are assholes, too? The sports book is now open.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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