March of the Gerbils

Hi! Remember me?

That chittering sound can only mean one thing…

He’s baaaaaaaack!

And now, the top stories from the gerbil desk. (For those new to this blog, please check in at the G.R.I.P.E. Headquarters to pick up your visitor badge.)

First, the case of the missing car keys. The spare key to my wife’s car has been missing for eons. The gerbil, of course, took the blame. The other day I hopped in my car and a knob had fallen off the radio. When I got home I checked under the seat and found that pesky knob. I also found the missing car keys!

This is an odd sensation. The gerbil was falsely accused.

“That’s one for you, Gerbil!” I shouted to no one in particular. Back to you, Tom.

Thanks, Tom. In light of all the negativity in the world today, we try to bring our viewers feel good news when we can. It’s nice to start off the broadcast on the right foot.

Now, on to darker news…

We know where the gerbil lives, but he fiercely prevents us from visiting. We are allowed as near as the end of the driveway – no farther! We originally suspected a commune with a slightly eccentric couple who owns the property. But now we suspect the urge for privacy is drug related. One piece of recent evidence that points in that direction – The gerbil recently updated his Facebook page and prominently featured pictures of a “bud” of marijuana. Rather than completing school and/or getting a job, the gerbil has apparently chosen the path of worshiping a plant, which, at least for now, is still illegal in this country. Good luck with that, gerbil!

Last, but not least, we bring you news from the world of camping. My wife and I recently roughed it in the woods relying only our wits for survival. Well, our wits and our camping gear. My wife was quite alarmed when she dug into the gear and found that some items were missing. All of the steak knives were gone and there was only one fork. The prevailing theory? The gerbil needed some utensils when he moved out, so he did what comes naturally – steal from those who were there for him the most. Classy.

So, while out camping recently, my wife and I had the opportunity to experience extra intimacy and closeness by sharing a single fork for four days. Thanks, gerbil! Fork you very much.

8 responses

  1. Or at least it’s convenient to blame him…At work, when it sounds like somebody did something wrong, I sing out, “I did it or if I didn’t, you may as well blame me cos I’ve f’d up something!”

    Glad you found the keys, anyway.


    1. You’re exactly right. When you don’t trust an occupant in your house, suddenly every little misplaced thing becomes a great drama. Questions are asked. Denials are given. People get irritated and tempers flare.

      It’s not like we can ask him, have him say, “no,” and believe that is the end of it. He’s lied far too often about the items in his nest in the past.

      That sort of thing makes him a prime suspect for anything that might go wrong. That’s why it’s so wrong to lie, kids.

      By the way, the timing of this post turned out to be prophetic. Suddenly the gerbil is on the march again. Something is indeed afoot. I hope to be back on soon with another update.


  2. Whenever a tool is missing, my husband texts our son. Where is it!???? Sure enough he usually knows where it is, because he “borrowed” it.

    What belongs to the parents, of course, belongs to the kids, ad infinitum! Just tell me, kids, that you’re borrowing it so I won’t look all over heck for it.


    1. Gerbil cohabitation is nine-tenths of the law! Mine is mine (so don’t touch) and yours is mine as well. I think you’ll find that to be a suitable arrangement — for me!

      Also, there are two levels of ownership standards.

      If it’s yours then it is to be broken, folded, stapled and mutilated as soon as humanly (gerbily?) possible.

      If it’s mine, then touch it and DIE!!!


  3. I must say, I quite missed the gerbil. I wonder, though, if perhaps he simply meant to help his parents’ intimacy by taking the utensils. Maybe he wants to make sure that your relationship is strong and loving enough to be able to use one fork between you!

    Then again, maybe he got the munchies and decided to make some steaks…? Hey, if worshiping the plant brings him to an illustrious career as a chef, you’re going to feel really silly about this post!


    1. Don’t worry. He’s still around and in full gerbil mode. I think the next update might be entitled “Gerbil takes a bite of the apple” or “Gerbil this side of paradise.” We’ll see.

      The flaw in your fork logic is that the gerbil is capable of thinking that far ahead. Otherwise, yeah, that would have been brilliant. And, it turns out that we are more intimate than ever. This last week both of us have developed strange new symptoms.

      I’m a firm believer in “two wrongs don’t make a right” and “the ends never justifies the means.” If the 10,000 hours he’s invested to become an expert in The Plant ever pay off, I’ll still be there to piss all over it. No matter what.

      I’m as constant as the northern star.


  4. This is my first visit to G.R.I.P.E Headquarters. I’ve been busy working at the Squirrel Relocation Camp.

    I’ll pack a bag and come visit soon. With two forks. You can borrow one for forking the gerbil.


    1. Welcome! For your safety, keep your arms and legs within the exhibit and remain seated until the exhibit comes to a complete stop. Do not feed the gerbils. (They can bite.) No flash photography.

      There is scurrying afoot. Another update is coming soon. Stay tuned!


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: