Singing the Praises of my Boss

He took me under his wing. Literally, one day, he wrapped that stinky, unwashed meat of an arm around my shoulders and imparted his wisdom.

“Tommy boy,” he said. “You stink. You’ve been pooping in your pants again, haven’t you?”

I nodded.

He walked me across the room and showed me a strange, wondrous thing. It was a door.

“Beyond here,” he said, “lies a thing known as a toilet. You pull down your pants, sit on it – make sure the lid is up and the seat is down, mind you – and go there instead of your pants.”

“Really?” I gasped. “Thank you, thank you, thank you so much! I never knew of such things. What would I do without you?”

“Also,” he added. “Don’t forget to wipe your ass. And I see you turning blue sometimes. Don’t forget to breath. Oh yeah, eat food and drink water, too. Or you might die.”

It was one of those life changing events for me. I was going to live thanks to the wisdom of my boss!

As I often like to say, I used to be somebody. I was in management. I was trusted to work autonomously and supervise employees on behalf of my company. And, not to brag or anything, but I also have a genius-level I.Q.

Then I moved to a small town where I had to lick ass in order to make ends meet. That’s where my boss steps in.

Is it wrong for me to feel offended when he treats me like a kindergarten dropout incapable of wiping my own ass?

One day, out of pure necessity I assure you, he took me aside and “trained” me on how to close the store. He had no choice since he wouldn’t be there.

I can still remember it. Close and lock the safes, turn out the lights, punch in the alarm code, and lock the door.

Whew. That’s a lot to remember!

Over time I even added my own flourishes to the procedure, like closing the blinds and making sure the thermostat was set for the night. (He must have not wanted to overload me.)

Here’s the rub. When he leaves early he always goes over and locks the safes. This highly offends me. It’s like he’s saying, “You can’t be trusted. I better do this for you.” It might sound petty, but if you were in my shoes, you’d know that he treats his employees like this all day long, even over things as trivial as a piece of tape.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve never fucked it up, not even once. He’ll be there to impart his wisdom so your truly little brain might have a chance at understanding.

This week, he left early. He went over and closed the safes. But then he added something new. “I like to make sure the safes are closed before closing the shop.”

Really??? HOLY FUCK SHIT!!! Does the New York Times know about this? How about the Wall Street Journal? They might want to bump motherfucking Obama from their opinion pages.

I mean, who the fuck knew that a safe had to be closed and locked to be effective? I thought that even with the door open the shit inside was somehow magically protected!!!

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me this before??? How have I managed to survive so long on this planet without your invaluable knowledge and insight???

You must really love me to hire someone as woefully stupid as me. I’m so lucky. Thank you, boss. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oops. I just went stinky in my pants again. Dammit, boss! Where are you?!?

14 responses

  1. I prefer being untrusted at work with such things. That way, when shite happens, I’m not the only one sitting there…to face the cops. http://madtante.wordpress.com/2010/09/14/dont-break-enter-psa/

    It requires you to click on “IMG_2116.MOV (2962 KB)” or “watch on posterous.” Ignore the auto-generated “or download” cos why would you?

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    1. The perfect on-topic comment! I loved that video! (I used Posterous and it worked perfectly.)

      Hilarious!

      Yes, it is possible to set the alarm but forget to lock the door. That’s something similar to what the boss did one morning at 4am before going to WalMart to do his shopping. The alarm company had to haul his wife out of bed and down to the shop to deal with it. Hahahahaha!

      You don’t fire the person who walks through the open door. You fire the person who laid the trap in the first place. πŸ™‚

      Like

      1. Right! And thanks for the compliment on staying on topic for once. You know, almost anything fires off the ADHD in me. I’d better stop there or I’ll find something–oh, did I ever buy some good apples the other day! You know how they’re sometimes tasteless and…

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  2. He’s jealous. Somehow, somewhere, sometime you’ve let slip you’re smarter than him. So now he’s heavily into control mode.

    Actually, I’m surprized you still have an open door policy on the washroom. Shouldn’t he have that sucker locked up with a secret pass code so you have to ask permission every time you need to pee? He can then take his time as you stand before him with your legs crossed.

    What a dork.

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    1. We had an open door policy – and then some – as far as our bathroom is concerned. I had two walk-ins while I was hard at work in there. Thankfully the door finally got fixed and now it locks.

      I probably should ask him permission to pee. “Goin’ on a piss break, boss!” But, that’s assuming I even know when I need to go. I usually just wait for a warm feeling in my crotch then yell for help. Ya, I’m so dumb, that’s the best I can figgure.

      He pulled some more “you’re a kindergarten dropout” stunts on me today, but I forgot them. Besides, according to my religion, I’m not allowed to think about work during The Holy Time. That’s from quitting time on Friday night until bedtime on Friday night. Amen.

      Like

      1. Forgot it’s Holy Time in the Abyss. Here at Blogdramedy Friday night is Naked Twister and a bucket of KFC.

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  3. I understand the feeling.

    At my workplace there’s a small “street” where vehicles often pass through. We have to cross this “street” to get from one work area to another.

    Management felt the need to send someone down to train us – all adults – in how to safely cross this “street.”

    I felt sooooooooooo appreciated …

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    1. Wow! I’m so glad you shared that story. I love it.

      One day at the old job the boss overheard me on the phone with a customer. I said, “Of course. I’ll be happy to refund your money.” 30 minutes later and we had a staff meeting. The agenda? We don’t give refunds!

      It was all about “salvaging” the sale, etc. I was like, “Fuck you. That’s more work and I don’t get one penny more either way. So piss off.”

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  4. Thank the lord that your genius boss taught you where to poop and worked in wiping your ass! Shew..Just think where you would be if that lesson hadn’t came along! You owe him…your life.
    Moving on..I just love when people talk to you or explain things to you like your a complete idiot. So annoying. Your boss sounds like….something. I say something because I don’t want to be mean and offend you because I can feel the love that you have for your boss so strongly through your blog. πŸ˜‰ bwhahahahahaha!

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    1. I get down on my knees (when someone shows me how) and give thanks for my boss every single day. I’m so lucky!

      Sounds like you have some experience with this sort of thing, too?

      And thanks for sparing my feelings. But I’m so dumb I probably wouldn’t know the difference.

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  5. Even if you do remeber to lock the safe here’s the kicker has anyone tought you to put the money/ items of value in the safe first?

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    1. OMG! I never thought of that. I think my boss let me down on this one! Why the hell wasn’t that included in my “training?”

      You are smart. You should probably be a senior VP.

      Me? I look for things. Things to make me go.

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  6. “Here at Blogdramedy Friday night is Naked Twister and a bucket of KFC.”

    FTW! That’s exactly how we worship during The Holy Time. Of course, Mrs. Abyss gets the vegetarian KFC. Otherwise? Identical!

    Like

    1. I have so many quips that I don’t know where to start…breasts, thighs, white meat…so I won’t. πŸ™‚

      Like

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