Daily Archives: May 20th, 2011

Freshly Flailing

And now a reading from our Demotivational Dictionary:

freshly flailing – when a comment from a newbie to your blog sparks the tiniest seed of hope that maybe, just maybe, your blog has been featured on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed page when, of course, it hasn’t.


“I was freshly flailing this morning.”

Rest easy, world. It’s another day and the pigs are still not flying out of my butt.

The Bourne Despondency

Jeremy Renner will play a contemporary of Jason Bourne. Credit: Wikipedia.

I have good news and … HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Which do you want first?

Yes, there will be a fourth engagement in the Bourne movie franchise. The bad news, of course, is that Matt Damon and the Jason Bourne character won’t be in it.

Huh? What?

Yeah, some braniac in Hollywood was heard to say, “Bourne movies good. Bourne make money. We make more.”

And thus, another great idea has been bourne. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the latest installment in the Bourne franchise, Bourne Sideways:

On October 11, 2010, it was reported that the Bourne character will not be in The Bourne Legacy. The film will not take place in a new canon; it will not be a reboot or prequel in any way, but more likely a “sidequel” or full spin-off in the same fictional universe with a new character in the mold of Bourne dealing with the ramifications of the Treadstone conspiracy. (Source: Wikipedia.)

In the “mold of Bourne?” Why the fuck didn’t they make that the name of the movie. Mold of Bourne. Yeah, that sounds good. I’d still pay money to see that. Wouldn’t you?

The movie will be presented in new 5D technology and include new crossover characters from Avatar including Matt Damon in a cameo.

How you like them apples? You can tell I didn't do this Photoshop because it's good. Credit: NY Daily News.

Matt Damon had said he would consider making a fourth Bourne movie but only if Paul Greengrass was the director. Greengrass directed the second and third movies in the series. When Greengrass announced that he had decided not to return as director, Damon was apparently out of the project. Damon said that the project might still happen in about five years.

Meanwhile, Tony Gilroy is working on a new script that doesn’t include Damon as Bourne. The movie is named The Bourne Legacy and will also be directed by Gilroy. The release date has been announced as August 3, 2012.

The protagonist in The Bourne Legacy will be played by actor Jeremy Renner who recently starred in The Hurt Locker as a bomb-defusing adrenaline junkie. Renner will be playing a new character in a side plot having to do with the Treadstone conspiracy which also produced Jason Bourne.

A Bourne movie without Matt Damon and Jason Bourne? I have my doubts. Hopefully it won’t totally suck.