If you can’t beat it, cheat it…

There was simply no predicting that even Arnold Schwarzenegger would be a cheater.

True, he used to attend orgies. True, he cheated on his girlfriend of five years. True, he had an “open relationship” with his next girlfriend. True, there was Gropegate, before his first run for governor, when he was accused by several women of grabbing their breasts, putting his hand up their skirts, and talking to them inappropriately about sex acts.

If only there had been some sort of sign! I’m shocked and this all comes as a complete surprise to me.

So, in order to better understand this phenomenon, I’m thinking I should turn to a trusted lifelong companion for answers. And by that I mean the television.

What we need now is reality TV – and lots of it.

So I did some thinking and came up with some new show ideas. Hopefully I can pitch these ideas to network executives so this important programming can see the light of day.

Honey I Dunk My Penis – Men go on a talk show and reveal their cheating ways to their spouses in a surprise “gotcha” format.

The Talking Heads (AKA Cock Talk) – A discussion show in round-table format featuring the best and the brightest in the field including: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, Newt Gingrich, Brett Farve, John Edwards, Rupert Murdoch, Ted Haggard and many, many, many, many more.

Brotherhood of the Traveling Penis Pants – This show follows the sexploits of four men who form an arrangement that they can only cheat when they are in possession of a magical pair of pants they all share.

The Political Staff – “Hard” hitting talk show about politics, cheating politicians and their dreams and aspirations to be president.

Whip-It-Out – Married men have to traverse an erotic obstacle course known as the Whip-It-Out Zone. Only one can reach the thrilling climax at the end and walk away with $50,000 and a case of crabs.

Have Penis-Will Travel – Infidelity done stylishly with an old West theme.

Highway to Penis Heaven – A weekly hour-long drama about a traveling salesman who nails women in every town he visits and occasionally gets back home to see his wife and kids who don’t suspect a thing.

America’s Next Top Faithful Husband – Tila Tequila hosts a Big Brother mansion filled with married men who must Survivor an Amazing Race to Temptation Island. Each week another cheater is voted out of the house until only the Faithful Husband remains and is crowned America’s most faithful man. The prize? He gets to keep his wife and family. And a year’s supply of Turtle Wax.

From the album Hi Infidelity:

Country & Western bonus: