Smog is car poop


Look away. Cartoon cars don't do this.

Cars 2 is billed as a movie where cartoon car characters save the world. I found myself wondering, “How will they do that, exactly?”

Scratch that. Actually I don’t give a shit. Whatever. I have to admit, it sounds like exactly the wrong message at exactly the wrong time.

Is your planet being killed by pollution? No worries, mate! All you need is more of the #1 thing that caused it – cars! And we got ’em incoming, full throttle. Here they come to save the day! *cough* *cough*

Bah! There’s gotta be some irony there. “I’ll save you by killing you!” If that’s the aim of the movie, then I for one say, “Job well done!”

Ever curious, I decided to do a little research into the characters in this movie. Here are my findings.

Lightning McQueen – A “generic” NASCAR with design influenced from the Chevrolet Corvette and Dodge Viper. According to NASCAR their race cars can get about 4.2 miles per gallon. (Source.)

Mater – A tow truck inspired by a 1951 International Harvester but Mater looks more like a 1955-1957 Chevrolet or GMC. I can’t find fuel economy data but I’m guessing it was about 5 to 10 mpg.

Finn McMissile – Inspired by James Bond’s 1964 Aston Martin DB5. This one had a whopping 14.6 mpg.

Holley Shiftwell – Unknown vehicle type but she looks a lot like another race car to me. We’ll just go ahead and call this one 4.2 mpg, too.

Rod “Torque” Redline – a tough-as-nails Detroit muscle car. That’s a bit too ambiguous to nail down fuel economy but I’m guessing that isn’t was “muscle cars” are known for.

And now, at last, the plot of Cars 2 can be leaked. Remember, you heard it here first! Start your engines!

It is a dark time for the rebellion. The Empire, powered by a new Death Star (semi-submersible Mobile Offshore Drilling Unit) named “BP” is consuming the planetary fuel reserves at an alarming rate. Fuel that is desperately needed by our heroes for life and death stuff like winning the first-ever race to determine who is the world’s fastest car.

Darn it, wouldn’t you know that to win that race their gonna need fuel – and lots of it!

The gang speeds off to enlist the help of Emmit “Doc” Brown who has replaced Doc Hudson who has dimmed his high beams for the last time and is now parked in that great wrecking yard in the sky.

Doc Brown introduces Dicky DeLorean, a cocky stainless steel farm boy who’s the fastest ship in the fleet, and possesses doors that, when opened, allow him to fly and kill womprats just like he did at Beggar’s Canyon back home.

It’s a race against time to get the fuel they need to save the planet from, well, from cars. Just like them. Will they be able to stop the hydrocarbons, carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxides, particulate matter, sulfur oxide, and volatile organic compounds that belch from their very own exhaust pipes before they run out of fuel and save the planet and make the atmosphere safe to breath again?

Fasten your seat belts! It’s the carbon-based thrill ride of the year!

9 responses

  1. You had me at the title of this post. haha!


    1. That was actually a throw away line in the original post. I went through four headline revisions before finally deciding to use it. It grew on me. 🙂


  2. AhahahAHahahAHAAA! But where’s Luke Skywriter, the gas-guzzling bi-plane and Obi Wan Hyundai… the wise hybrid who, along with Toy-Yoda help to train Luke SkyWriter to GLIDE in for his landings, thus saving fuel, AND the universe?


    1. Hilarious! Me thinks you should have written this post. You would have done more with it. 🙂


  3. They did it more overtly in Maximum Overdrive.


    1. Exactly. And they had Emilio Estevez. And Yeardley Smith! /swoon

      I thought about throwing in some Mad Max, but, by now, I know you expect me to be more subtle than that.


  4. Interior: Tom’s place of work

    Tom is sitting at his desk filling online orders so he’ll be in the running for “Employee of the Week.”

    The phone rings: Ring! Ring!

    Tom: Hello?

    The Phone: Is this Tom? The Guru of Negativity Tom? Writer of “Shouts from the Abyss?”

    Tom: No. (Beads of sweat appear on his brow. Has he been “outed?”)

    The phone: Look. We don’t want to get you in any trouble. Word is you’ve been writing about the oil and gas industry and we just wanted to have a little conversation.

    Tom: Conversation about what? Who are you?

    The Phone: Name’s Vito “The Mechanic” Iacocca. A Washington oil and gas lobbyist hired me to feel you out about becoming the spokesperson for a new energy bill the Republicans are pushing.

    Tom: Me!!? Did you read today’s post? Does “gas guzzler” mean anything to you?

    Vito: No. I don’t read so good. My kid told me about you. He thinks you’re funny. (Pause.) I prefer Red Skelton myself. He said you was writing about this new movie “Cars 2” all about cars saving the planet. I told the Boss and he said to find you and offer you whatever you want to come over to our side.

    Tom: First. Got a problem with Republicans. Second. The post was a condemnation AGAINST the proliferation of cars and their contribution to pollution and global warming. I thought it was ironic that cars would be used to promote cars.

    Vito: The Boss said you’d put up a fight. I don’t know from bionic. Alls I know is we got the Hummer downstairs and it’s full of beer and babes. The usual stuff. If you want something extra, I can make arrangements. All yous gotta do is get in the car, meet the Boss and take a little drive. If you don’t like what he says, no problem. We’ll have you back in time to punch out.

    Tom: Beer? Babes? Hummer? Are you serious?

    Vito: Me and the Boss? We’re concrete serious. Come on.

    Tom: Concrete serious…(Tom’s heart goes into overdrive. He realizes this is a “sleeping with the fishes” scenario.) Listen. I’d love to take a drive with your Boss. But my Boss doesn’t like me to take unscheduled breaks. But…I got an idea. Why don’t I get my Boss? Something this important really ought to be discussed at the highest level with the top guys. Whudaya think?

    Vito (nodding his head): My kid SAID you was smart. That’s the kind of thinking that’ll get you moving up in an organization.

    Tom (smiling): My thinking exactly. Hey! Boss! Got someone out here I want you to meet.


    1. I downloaded this comment and read it during my lunch break at the local greasy spoon and/or fast food.

      Vito, of course, is no stranger to the blog. He shows up from time to time looking to break my legs but I dance away like a butterfly each and every time. Ha ha ha, Vito! I’m the winner and you’re my dinner.

      Um, wait. That didn’t come out quite right.

      I knew going in that this post was risky. If there is one thing America stand for, it is this: Don’t fuck with our internal combustion engine automobiles. No way! That’s something worth fighting and dying for.

      I loved hearing about this meeting between me and Vito. The only thing I didn’t get was why in the hell I’d ever introduce Vito to my boss. That made no sense to me since my boss can eat my ass. Then it hit me. Kill shot! If I can get them to stand close together I can kill two birds with a single stone.

      Damn, I’m more brilliant that even I suspected. I better keep a closer eye on me.

      Congratulations! Your efforts have paid off. You’re now in the running for the COTD Syndrome. (Comment Of The Day.)

      If you see the Abyss prize van in front of your house then you’ll know you’ve lost.


  5. You win. Kill shot was funnier than Vito giving the concrete shoes to your boss. Damn.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: