File this post under Product Reviews (Pending)…

Once upon a time I purchased an iMac from the Apple store…
That’s when everything went right to Hell.

This post was written on a Mac. Barely.

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It sucks to have my luck.

This is the story — still in progress — of a computer that desperately needs to be put to sleep in more ways than one.

One fine day, after waiting four goddamn years, it was finally time to buy a new computer. My old one was running Windows XP, crashed often (frequently with Blue Screens of Death), literally took twenty minutes from boot before it could open a browser, and sounded like a Boeing 747 taking off, even though I had paid extra for the “super-quiet case.”

Yeah, there’s one of me born every minute.

For months before the big day, I had been using Apple “Mac Mini” computers at my new job. It was the first time I’d ever used any Apple computers. It was love at first byte. (Har.)

My first day on the job and the boss showed me to my desk. There was a nice widescreen LED monitor. I looked around but didn’t see any computer. I called my boss over and asked, “What makes this thing go?” Continue reading →