Customer call about price matching

In my job, I’m sometimes forced against my will to perform tasks that compromise my values, like speaking on a dreaded device known as a telephone. I hate those things.

On the telephone I’m often compelled to speak to people known as customers. These are generally awful people.

I wish to quickly relate one such conversation.

Preface: Our web site says absolutely nothing about “price matching.”

Me: Hello. This is the miserable creature known as “Tom.” How can I help you?

Cust: Do you price match?

M: That depends on the situation. What product are you asking about?

C: The Acme Widget 3000.

M: Yes, we have those in stock. They are $500 each. What price would you like us to match?

C: $400.

M: I see. Where is that price advertised?

C: On yourcompetitor.com.

M: And do they have them in stock?

C: Yes.

M: So, I have to ask. Why don’t you just buy it from them?

C: Because they don’t have a telephone number and their feedback isn’t as good as yours.

Mmmm. A word comes to mind…

Motherfucker!

So, you want us to price match our product to our competitor who doesn’t allow you to call and has shitty feedback? Hmmmm.

Hail no.

Buy it on the cheap, save $100, and assume the risk and all that entails. Or buy it from us knowing that we’ll be here and that we have an established and verifiable history of keeping our promises and good customer service.

What you can’t have is both at the same time.