Zoology 101
In your cage at the human zoo,
They all stop to look at you.
–Styx, circa 1977
Someone mentioned Styx the other day. I apologize but I can’t stop the references now.
This post is brought to you by the letter “Z,” the omega of the alphabet experience. Just like the human race, all good things must come to an end, so must the A-Z Blogger Challenge.
My idea for this post was “zoo.” I didn’t even bother going to the Google to find some obscure reference that might make me look smarter than that. Not this time.
But I wanted my own special spin on it. Fortunately someone mentioned Styx lately and, well, it just came together. Humans in a cage at the zoo; a human zoo. Now that’s an idea I can work with!
As the author of Society of Assholes I have done some limited research in this area. Before we begin, there is one important distinction to be made. I now excerpt from the book:
You might correctly be asking by now, “What the fuck? What about murderers, rapists, child molesters and such? Why don’t you call them assholes, too?” That’s a good point. However, for the purposes of this book, such extreme (and obvious) examples are beyond the pale. Those people are indeed true “assholes” and destined for a special level of Hell (I wish), but the purpose of this book is a bit more subtle. It seeks to explore the asshole within each and every one of us. The asshole that expresses itself from the typical and average individual within the larger context of every day society. That is the asshole we will be seeking.
With that in mind, it’s time to begin our tour of the zoo. We’re all too fat and out of shape to walk these hills under our own steam, so climb aboard this tram and we’ll be on our way. Please remain seated at all times, keep your head, arms and legs within the tram, and no flash flash photography.
Genus – Addictus Parentus
In our first exhibit we see a typical modern family. A husband, a wife, and two children, a boy and a girl. As you can see, the parents are smoking away furiously on their cigarettes. This is an important mechanism for passing destructive behavior from one generation to the next. This parental genome lacks the ability to evaluate long-term risk and there is a very high probability the addiction will be picked up by the children, who typically ape what they know and see.
I actually had the good fortune to spot addictus parentus in their natural habit just the other day. We were at a restaurant enjoying some dinner. At a table nearby was a family of four. They fit the profile but I had not yet made the species identification. If you are patient, though, field research can often be rewarding. The adults, both at the same time, got up and left the restaurant.
This was a curious development and it got my attention. Leaving the children alone in a restaurant is somewhat rare these days. I crept up to the front window, making use of plastic plants for cover, and observed my quarry. Of course! They were outside smoking.
Luckily I was carrying my logbook and successfully documented the sighting.
The Masculinity Experience
Welcome to our newest exhibit, sponsored by Ford Trucks that are built Ram tough and solid as a rock from heartland America. (Free truck nuts with every purchase.) Yes, it’s The Masculinity Experience featuring our prize specimen, Mike Rowe.
You all know Rowe from shows like Dirty Jobs and Ford commercials. That’s why we have these little infopoints mounted on each exhibit. For example, did you know Rowe started as an opera singer and was known for his arias? And that he then moved on to being an on-air host for the shopping channel QVC?
Arias and shopping!!!
Even in light of those facts, amazing the masculinity of this specimen is above reproach. Testing has confirmed that his testosterone is taking steroids.
I had more planned for the tour but we’re out of time. Maybe we’ll continue the tour later. That’s all, folks!
This is my “Z” post for the A-Z Blogger Challenge.
Yesterdays and Yesteryears
Upon reading this post, you might be moved to ask, “Oh God, yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”
Yes, this is the “Y” post. That means plenty of things like Yeats and YouTube. The latter which, of course, is responsible for one of man’s greatest achievements: The ability to combine sound and video slightly off-track from one another.
Being slightly off-track is a hobby of mine, too. I enjoy taking beautiful things and juxtaposing them jarringly with crudity. It’s what I do.
Why can’t the past just die?
–Christine Daae in Phantom of the Opera
Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks at though they’re here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
–The Beatles
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
–William Butler Yeats
I was a young boy that had big plans.
Now I’m just another shitty old man.
I don’t have fun and I hate everything.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
Glory days don’t mean shit to me.
I drank a six pack of apathy.
Life’s a bitch and so am I.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimistic point of view.
Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimistic point of view.
I’ve decomposed, yet my gut’s getting fat.
Oh my god I’m turning out like my dad.
I’m always rude I’ve got a bad attitude.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
The wife’s a nag and the kid’s fucking up.
I don’t have sex `cause i can’t get it up.
I’m just a grouch sitting on the couch.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimistic point of view.
Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimistic point of view.
I was a young boy that had big plans.
Now I’m just another shitty old man.
I don’t have fun and I hate everything.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
Glory days don’t mean shit to me.
I drank a six pack of apathy.
Life’s a bitch and so am I.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
–Green Day, The Grouch
In closing I present the only known song by Styx to start with the letter “Y.” This is classic Styx circa 1973.
This is my “Y” post in the A-Z Blogger Challenge.
Nuclear Crisis in Japan: This is a science experiment
This guy makes most of the points I tried to make in a previous post, only he uses words and intelligence. I think you’ll find him much more informative.
W is for Wall
You who are rich and whose troubles are few
May come around to see my point of view
What price the Crown of a King on his throne
When you’re chained in the dark all alone
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall
Robert Frost said famously, “Good fences make good neighbors.” If that’s true, then good walls must make them the best of friends. Heh.
“Howdy, neighbor. What’s that you’re building there?”
“A wall.”
“Wow. You must really like me. Hang on and I’ll give you a hand.”
For me, the bigger the wall, the better. And it should have guard stations at every corner. And machine guns. I want to be the best friend of all – and to as many people as possible.
Bloody hell. Just yesterday I was referencing The Monkey’s Paw by W. W. Jacobs and today I’m wheeling out a little The Cask of Amontillido by Edgar Allen Poe himself. I’m so literate and well-read. Don’t be fooled – it’s an act.
There was a fair about of debate in the Taker household before this post. What would be done with “W” in the A-Z Blogger Challenge? I was leaning strongly in favor of writing about one of my perennial favorites, namely “work.” In my blog’s tag cloud it is the #2 tag of all-time, preceded only by “poop” and followed closely by “job.” That can’t be a coincidence. It’s almost as if there is an intelligence at work here.
My wife (hey – another “W” word) was not enthralled with the idea of yet another post about work. I think she may have mentioned a horse beaten to death and something about a whiny bitch. After some lobbying on my part, she eventually signed off on “wall.”
Other subjects considered and discarded for this post included Dubya (too gouache and passe) and Winnie the Poop (which I thought was hilarious but the wife not so much).
Unless you live under a brick, you’ve no doubt heard of The Wall, an album and movie by Pink Floyd. In my opinion, The Wall is one of the best albums of all time. I adore it. And, on my behalf, so does the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). I’ve given those greedy bastards my money many times over to own the same music again and again.
The Wall was released back in 1979. I originally owned it as a double album LP. You played it on a thing known as a “turntable” with a needle that vibrated in little grooves on the surface of the record. It was all quite analog and primitive. I wore that sucker out and bought it again. That’s paying twice for the same music.
Then I owned it on cassette tape. And that got eaten by the player. So I bought it again. Then compact discs came out and, since then, I’ve purchased it at least three separate times on CD.
By my calculations, that’s at least seven times I’ve paid for the same music. Funny, but I don’t recall the RIAA ever getting angry about that. Not once have they ever threatened to sue me to give me a refund for overpaying them. That’s quite odd, isn’t it?
So one of the greatest albums of all time when on to become one of the greatest movies of all time. The Wall easily makes my personal top 10 movie list and also happens to be the best drinking movie – ever. When you are feeling grim, foul and down in the depths of your own depravity, nothing beats grabbing a bottle of gin and plumbing the depths with The Wall. It’s great fun.
The Wall tells the story of a rock star who builds a wall in self-defense. The wall is meant to protect but ends up destroying him. The rock star is fucked up. His dad dies in a war and his mother is overprotective. He’s influenced by sadistic teachers.
Each of these traumas become metaphoric “bricks in the wall.” The protagonist eventually becomes a rock star, his relationships marred by infidelity, drug use, and outbursts of violence. As his marriage crumbles, he finishes building his wall, completing his isolation from human contact. (Source: Wikipedia.)
It’s a feel good story that you’ll love over and over again.
You know, there’s another story that prominently features a wall that I’d also like to share with you. It’s The Cask of Amontillido by Edgar Allen Poe. The plot here is fairly basic. Our hero has suffered a “thousand injuries” at the hands of Fortuno and vows revenge. He knows that Fortuno fancies himself a wine connoisseur and invites him to sample some Amontillido. Of course, it’s stored down below and way in the back of a damp wine cellar in the catacombs below our hero’s palazzo.
Lured all the way in, and already drunk, Fortunato is chained and locked in a niche, as described by Poe in this key moment:
“He is an ignoramus,” interrupted my friend, as he stepped unsteadily forward, while I followed immediately at his heels. In an instant he had reached the extremity of the niche, and finding his progress arrested by the rock, stood stupidly bewildered. A moment more and I had fettered him to the granite. In its surface were two iron staples, distant from each other about two feet horizontally. From one of these depended a short chain, from the other a padlock. Throwing the links about his waist, it was but the work of a few seconds to secure it. He was too much astounded to resist. Withdrawing the key, I stepped back from the recess.
After that, our hero begins to build a wall while Fortunato is helpless and still very much alive. Ah, the wonders of the English language never cease to amaze me. There’s actually a word for this! 🙂
Immurement – a form of execution where a person is walled up within a building and left to die from starvation or dehydration. This is distinct from being buried alive, in which the victim typically dies of asphyxiation.
Oh, Edgar. You’re still teaching, even after all these years.
The Alan Parsons Project marvelously brought this story to life in a song:
And, in closing, you can’t explore a “W” post without an appearance by Willie West of Wonderful WINO radio. Enjoy.
This is my “W” post for the A-Z Blogger Challenge.
Of Apples and Pampers

I don't have Photoshop on my new computer. Otherwise this image would probably have been funny as hell.
File this post under “I’m Not Fucking Kidding” and “Even My Twisted Brain Couldn’t Have Thought of This.”
Perhaps I need a new category called “I Shit You Not.”
Hello my little wannabe negativists. Today I regale you with a tale that illustrates, without question, why I am the all-time Guru of Negativity. If you have the mental wherewithal, step inside my head and see what it’s like to be in my shoes.
The story begins last Friday…
Friday after work I picked up my iMac from the local authorized Apple factory repair shop. Lo and behold, the thing was finally fixed, and only after 15 business days. Three full weeks.
But…
There was a new problem. The fan now ran at full speed and the covenant of a super-quiet computer had been broken. The thing sounded like a vacuum cleaner.
I would have asked, “Why me?” but I don’t much care for asking questions where I already know the answer.
So Monday morning I schlepped the thing back into the shop.
That’s when this conversation took place:
Me: This thing has already been here 15 business days. Will you escalate this for a fast turn around time?
Employee #1: This sort of thing shouldn’t take long.
Employee #2: I can escalate you to some Pampers.
Me: Eh? Er, what???
Employee #2: Some poopy Pampers I just found in the parking lot. Seriously, can you believe people??
You’re preaching to the fucking choir, lady. But, more importantly…
WHAT IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL??????
These are the people that Apple hires to provide my warranty repair?
I am not making this up!!! That was the conversation. Verbatim. No embellishment. No artistic license. No lie.
At times, like when shit like this happens to me, I seriously doubt that I’m alive. I figure this reality must be some kind of mind fuck and I’m already dead and gone and shipped to Hell. And part of that Hell is that I don’t get to know it. Makes it so much more delicious and sublime, eh?
So yeah, neither employee bothered to actually answer my question. At this point, I had fucking had it. I decided to be more proactive about my repair.
I called them Monday at 1pm. “Is this Tom?” they asked. They were beginning to recognize the sound of my voice. Good!
“It might be ready today,” I was told. Yeah, I’ve heard that happy crappy before. Lies.
I waited all afternoon for the call that never came.
Then I did something brilliant. I got off work and drove directly to the shop. I walked in and they said, “Here ya go! All fixed.”
Fuck. Were you ever going to let me know that? Assholes. Thanks for the call.
“The piece of tape must have come loose. I re-taped it.”
That’s it? That’s an all-repair for you motherfuckers? And what’s this about a “piece of tape?” The fate of my iMac hangs in the balance over a piece of fucking tape? Jesus Christ!!!
Conclusion: The thing seems fixed. But I know I can’t trust my own senses. We’ll see. And that shop was one of the worst things to ever happen to me in my whole life. The hate in me in swelling.
This is the sort of shit that happens to me. Hopefully you can now begin to see how I reached Guru status.
This post written with a Mac.
V is for Vexting
There I was, laying in bed this morning, and minding my own business. Suddenly a shot rang out.
Oh, wait. No, scratch that. Sorry, I got a little too carried away there for a moment.
I was laying in bed and thinking ahead to this very post. What was I going to do with the letter “V” in the A-Z Blogger Challenge? In my mind I arranged different vowels after “V” and let different V-words come to mind. Eventually I settled on the word “vex.” Yes, I thought, mostly to myself. I can probably do something with “vex.” And then: discovery! I invented the word “vexting.”
Or so I thought.
Curse you, internets!
I fired up Google and punched it in. And there it was, on the Urban Dictionary, circa Dec. 16, 2009. Holy shit.
Why can’t any of my inventions ever be original? We’ve all got our special gifts, talents, and God-given abilities, right? Mine seems to be inventing things that already exist. A talent like that is a curiosity, a mere trifle. It doesn’t seem to do much when it comes to lavishing power and riches on yours truly.
By now, though, that’s something I’ve mostly accepted and adjusted to.
Vexting was gonna be another word in my so-called “demotivational dictionary.” It was gonna be something.
vexting – the act of making others angry while texting
Ex: “Did you see that son of a bitch? He was vexting all over the sidewalk – while pushing a baby in a stroller! That makes me sick!”
Well, you heard it here second, folks, and from a classic all-American duplicate. [dialing] “Hello, Universe? Yes, this is the little speck of an Earthling known as Tom. I’ll take another participant ribbon, please. Thanks.” [click]
I apologize. My treatment of the letter “V” in this challenge has been deplorable. I will therefore have to provide a bonus entry to try to salvage the situation.
Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn
Remember how she said that
We would meet again
Some sunny day
Vera! Vera!
What has become of you
Does anybody else in here
Feel the way I do?
Says Wikipedia:
Dame Vera Lynn, DBE (born Vera Margaret Welch on 20 March 1917) is an English singer and actress whose musical recordings and performances were enormously popular during World War II. During the war she toured Egypt, India and Burma, giving outdoor concerts for the troops. She was called “The Forces’ Sweetheart”; the songs most associated with her are “We’ll Meet Again” and “The White Cliffs of Dover”. She remained popular after the war, appearing on radio and television in the UK and the United States and recording such hits as “Auf Wiederseh’n Sweetheart” and “My Son, My Son”. In 2009 she became the oldest living artist to make it to No. 1 on the British album chart, at the age of 92. She has devoted much time and energy to charity work connected with ex-servicemen, disabled children and breast cancer. She is still held in great affection by veterans of the Second World War and in 2000 was named the Briton who best exemplified the spirit of the twentieth century.
She’s still alive, too. 94 years old and still going. Wow.
This is my “V” post for the April 2011 “A to Z Blogging Challenge.”
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