Never leave a spouse behind

PedestrianWe’ve all heard the expression “never leave a man behind.”

This is part of the U.S. Soldier’s Creed, which actually says, in part:

“I will never leave a fallen comrade.”

Unfortunately, not all of us live by this creed. Observe…

Last night I was on my nightly commute home. My commute used to be only two miles one-way. Now it’s three miles. Which is more than enough for the assmonkeys* to turn out in spades.

I had driven a whole two blocks from work and was approaching the first traffic light of the drive. The light was green. That means it was my turn to go, and it also means that pedestrians were supposed to wait.

What I should have done

You see, I have this thing about pedestrians obeying signaling devices. It really burns me when they don’t. Especially when they take a leisurely stroll when it isn’t their turn and make cars with green lights have to wait. I fucking hate that! It burns me every single time.

I’m the kind of guy that waits for the walk signal. Always. That’s just the way I am. Even if the street is deserted as far as the eye can see. If only I had a nickel every time I stood there waiting while other pedestrians gave me a funny look, then blithely pressed on without me. Motherfuckers!

So here it was a mere two blocks into my commute and I was experiencing my first full blown incident of road rage of the evening. Shit, why did it take so long? Couldn’t the universe throw something at me a block earlier? Quit slacking, universe!

From the right came a couple of pedestrians, a man and a woman. I assumed they were a married couple. They were a little older than me and obviously together. They had a “don’t walk” signal because my light was green. The man strolled out into the street without a care in the world. He didn’t look left or right. He acted as if the universe was exclusively his.

Meanwhile, here I come, trying to catch the green light before it turns yellow. In other words, I’m accelerating.

The man strolled out about 10 feet into the intersection then finally seemed to realize where he was. “Wait a fucking moment. I think I’m in a street!” He stopped, froze in his tracks, looked in my direction, and then, quite comically, backtracked like a little scared rabbit.

Ha ha ha, motherfucker! This intersection is mine!

Meanwhile, he had left his wife behind. They were obviously not in agreement on the whole “let’s challenge a car to a duel” thing. While he strode out into the street, she stopped at the edge of the sidewalk, then went back to push the pedestrian button.

By now the man had retreated almost back to the sidewalk. He had stopped about three feet from the curb and remained standing defiantly on the asphalt. He was clearly perturbed that a car had dared to interrupt his jaywalking. It was like he was saying, “The line must be drawn here. This far, no further!”

Luckily I was going straight. If I had been turning right I would have run over his toes. Gladly, I might add.

After I passed, I checked my rear view mirror. That man had taken off again right behind me after I passed. And there was his wife, still dutifully waiting on the sidewalk.

The motherfucker was leaving her behind!

He reached the other side of the street and continued on down the sidewalk. He wasn’t going to wait for nobody, not even his wife.

Finally the light changed and the signal said “walk” and the woman could cross the street. She jogged all the way to catch up with her mate, then they finally continued on their way together.

You have my condolences, lady. Not only is your husband a criminal jaywalker, you’re married to a douchebag assmonkey, too.

* Thanks for the term, Write Snark! πŸ™‚

10 responses

  1. First I fell in love with this post all over again when I got to the end and you said “douchebag assmonkey”. Pure awesome right there sir!
    All I can say is, I feel your pain. I don’t understand the mentality of people when there are obviously cars moving because the CARS have the right away BECAUSE their light is GREEN & the pedestrians clearly have the “talk to the hand sign” stating that they are supposed to stay PUT! I honestly think that if you cross when you have the hand you should be able to run over them and not get in trouble. The cop should just look at them and say “I’m sorry douchebag assmonkey but you had the hand sign, you tried to cross and you got hit, it sucks to be you” (Sorry if you hate caps..trying to get a point across and don’t have the luxury of bold) πŸ™‚ Have a great day!

    Like

    1. That’s another thing. The dude was using ALL CAPS in the crosswalk. πŸ™‚

      I mean, geez, my commute is only three miles. Would it be too much to be able to drive 50 feet before road rage kicks in? Is that really so much to ask for?

      Interestingly, around here, pedestrians do seem to get hit quite often. They live on some rural road for 40 years and their mailbox is across the street. They seem to have attitude that the quiet road in front of their house has since turned into a highway. Then they do things like dress in all black and step out in front of cars at night to get the mail. They get squished and the cops don’t even ticket the innocent driver who now has to deal with the fact that, inadvertent as it was, just killed someone. I really do think it’s a bit of an attitude problem.

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  2. First off, he truly sounds like an asshole. Don’t feel too sorry for her. If she were “whipped” by his personality, she’d have ran alongside him, even if terrified. I know my victimised-self-compromising-idiocy.

    She’s waiting for you. You were her possible savior but you didn’t pull the trigger. I thought you were tombtaker, too. Ah, well…

    Okay, now the “me” thing? Being SO fing “country,” as they say. I really don’t understand walking or driving anywhere but across pastures. I think I learned about that push-crosswalk button within the last 10 years (and I’m almost 40). Now that I know about it, I’ll push a button but you know what? Sometimes there are buttons on the same poll. I’m still not sure which one means which. I know you think I’m joking or stoopid — It’s more like culture-shock ignorance. I stood just this month, looking at the buttons, trying to figure out if I should push the one that “points” in the direction I want to go or if I should push the one that’s on the side of the pole facing me as I’m looking in the direction I want to go.

    Luckily for me, others came up and jaywalked. I jogged with them.

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    1. The perfect comment. First something about the post, then the “me” thing. Perfection. πŸ™‚

      Pssst. Don’t go outing my little name joke, eh? That’ll make it too easy for the newbies! πŸ™‚

      Country doesn’t mean dumb. If you have no experience with something then how in the hell are you supposed to know? I can see how that would be culture shock, though. “Whatya mean I gotta push a button to cross the street?”

      Some days I wish I could drive around town and hand out $20 bills to people who obeyed walk signals when others around them didn’t. That would be fun. Unfortunately I’m too poor for that and have nothing else to offer.

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  3. I see this kind of shit on a regular basis. I have to cross such an intersection on my way home every day. I’ve learned to be patient with the douchebag assmonkeys because it’s illegal to run them over. There should be a law making it legal to hit them with waterballoons or maybe a paint ball gun. You’d think the water balloon company or the paint ball gun manufacturers would sponsor such a law. Don’t they have a lobby or something? And what state rep wouldn’t vote for it? Those fat cats don’t walk anywhere anyway. They have to deal with this too.

    Don’t get me started about the damned bicycles.

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  4. As one with a 30-ish mile commute, the last several of which are into that heart of darkness that is the pedestrian jungle, I thank you for giving a voice to my pain.

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  5. You are the funniest pessimist I know! :0
    Hey, on another note, have you heard about the A to Z blogging challenge for April? Since you blog every day anyway, you should try it! I actually signed up (what was I thinking?!). You blog every day in April, except Sundays, and each day the theme of your post follows the letter of the alphabet that you’re one. So, today is the first day, your post would be about something that starts with the letter A. Should be fun!

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    1. Thanks for trying to kill me! I, for one, hope you are successful!

      So be it. I will undertake (pun intended) this so-called A-Z challenge. Now what words start with “A,” hmmmmm?

      πŸ™‚

      Like

      1. The link to sign up: http://tossingitout.blogspot.com

        Assmonkey starts with A – you’ve already accomplished day 1 without even trying! πŸ˜‰

        Like

  6. You read my mind!

    Like

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