I recently added the following to my bucket list:

Challenge a monk to hand-to-hand combat.

I added it as the final item on the list based on the assumption I wouldn’t survive.

I’m not sure where that idea came from. I think it was during brainstorming for a new reality TV show called “My Suicide Note.” I figured, yeah, “death by monk” would probably be a way cool way to go.

Even though I was trained to kill with my bare hands by the federal government, I have little doubt that even the most mediocre monk could frag my ass. Maybe they’d send out the monk who is the slacker goof off and barely maintaining his grade point average. He/she would still make mincemeat out of me.

Can you tell I have very little to talk about today? Does it show?

Next I cruised by Plinky for a writing idea. “Share a story about your worst date ever.” Barf.

Actually, “barf” is the story. I had to clean vomit out of the back seat of my car. That’s a night I’ll never remember. And a story I’ll most likely never share. I don’t exactly come across as the hero.

Let’s see, what else? I think it’s documented somewhere that my first kiss was with a girl named “Tex” at church camp. She grabbed me, manhandled me into the bushes, and kissed me. And it’s been nothing but dominant cowgirls ever since.

I once put a personal ad up on the internet looking for a date. I said in the ad, “Must live in my area. No long distance.” So of course a woman wrote in from the next county over. She lived about 90 miles away. I still remember my reply. I said, “Thanks but no thanks. 90 miles is too far.” Still, we continued to correspond and eventually we did decide to meet.

I drove those damn 90 miles and met her at a restaurant where we had dinner. Classy guy that I am, I ordered the hot wings. (They sounded so good.) You tell me. Is it possible to make a good first impression on a first date when one’s face is liberally smeared with BBQ sauce? I don’t think so!

After dinner and several wet naps, we went for a walk around a nearby man-made lake and she grabbed me, manhandled me into the bushes and kissed me.

Believe me, these aren’t the worst of the worst, either. Some stories will never be told.

How about you? Got any humorous first date stories of your own?