Maybe They Meant ‘Child-ish’

The special Oxymoron Edition given to your humble tour guide of negativity

There’s no easy way to say this.

Someone at the universe fucked up. A few days ago, somehow, the award above was routed to the Abyss.

“Stylish.”

Hmm. Odd. Perhaps I’m finally getting some recognition for my public service announcements that claim “wrinkles are the new cool.”

The award was granted by Hippie Cahier, a real blogger who brings a commitment to entertainment each and every time she bolts out of the gate. Unlike me, she’s an entertainer.

Of course, every silver lining must also bring a cloud. In this case, the curse (at least for you) is that by receiving this award, I am compelled to say seven things about myself. I won’t lie. This is going to hurt.

Seven things about Tom B. Taker

1. There is something secret hidden in my name. Can you find it?
2. I like Awesometown. Can you guess which one of the stars is my favorite?
3. I’m halfway done writing my opus, The Funeral of Tom B. Taker. It’s almost like the characters are telling me the story. I can’t wait to see how it ends.
4. I am the Supreme Ruler of the space-time continuum. I challenged God to a duel and he didn’t show up for the match so I won by default.
5. I once took a can of Spam® into a Round Table and had them cook it on my pizza. And the bastards really did it.
6. I once memorized pi to 100 decimal places. True story. There was a poster showing the digits hanging in the computer lab. It was either that or go meet girls. These days, though, I only know it to 14 decimal places. Sad. So much knowledge lost.
7. I write all of my own jokes. (Except for the ones I steal.)
8. BONUS: I recently participated in National No Bra Day.

The award has another clause. You have to pass it along or you’ll be made ugly and have no friends. Shit! I’m too late. What the hell, I’ll do it anyway. You have been warned. (I think you know who you are.)