Maybe They Meant ‘Child-ish’

The special Oxymoron Edition given to your humble tour guide of negativity

There’s no easy way to say this.

Someone at the universe fucked up. A few days ago, somehow, the award above was routed to the Abyss.


Hmm. Odd. Perhaps I’m finally getting some recognition for my public service announcements that claim “wrinkles are the new cool.”

The award was granted by Hippie Cahier, a real blogger who brings a commitment to entertainment each and every time she bolts out of the gate. Unlike me, she’s an entertainer.

Of course, every silver lining must also bring a cloud. In this case, the curse (at least for you) is that by receiving this award, I am compelled to say seven things about myself. I won’t lie. This is going to hurt.

Seven things about Tom B. Taker

  1. There is something secret hidden in my name. Can you find it?
  2. I like Awesometown. Can you guess which one of the stars is my favorite?
  3. I’m halfway done writing my opus, The Funeral of Tom B. Taker. It’s almost like the characters are telling me the story. I can’t wait to see how it ends.
  4. I am the Supreme Ruler of the space-time continuum. I challenged God to a duel and he didn’t show up for the match so I won by default.
  5. I once took a can of Spam® into a Round Table and had them cook it on my pizza. And the bastards really did it.
  6. I once memorized pi to 100 decimal places. True story. There was a poster showing the digits hanging in the computer lab. It was either that or go meet girls. These days, though, I only know it to 14 decimal places. Sad. So much knowledge lost.
  7. I write all of my own jokes. (Except for the ones I steal.)
  8. BONUS: I recently participated in National No Bra Day.

The award has another clause. You have to pass it along or you’ll be made ugly and have no friends. Shit! I’m too late. What the hell, I’ll do it anyway. You have been warned. (I think you know who you are.)

11 responses

  1. These are great. I love that you included a bonus. I’m going to guess there’s a really good story to that one. I’m not sure I want to know it. 😉

    Once you knew pi to 100 decimals, did you use it to meet girls?

    Looking forward to the opus. I think.


    1. I’m always trying to 1up everyone else. What can I say?

      The pi thing was instead of meeting girls. Subtle difference there.


  2. I’m not sure who in the world gave you this ‘stylish’ award but they must have forgotten to take their meds first. heehee

    just kidding! I think you’re super stylin’!

    Your seven things are way better and more creative than any I’ve ever come up with or seen on my own.

    Funny fact #1: a long time ago, when I first mentioned & linked you on my blog, I called you ‘Tom B. Tater’ on accident. You commented and said “It’s Tom B. Taker, get it?” I didn’t really get it, but it made me laugh that I wrote ‘tater’ – So, I still can’t figure out the secret… hoping you’ll let us in on it!


    1. I’m not sure who in the world gave you this ‘stylish’ award but they must have forgotten to take their meds first. heehee

      I get that a lot. 😉


    2. I agree. More meds!

      And thanks. 🙂

      I have to admit, “Tom B. Tater” is a far superior name. But then my little inside joke doesn’t work. I’m very sorry but there are no freebies here in the Abyss. The secret will remain secret until it has been earned. Then, Grasshopper, it will be time for you to go.


  3. Is the secret in the spaces between the letters? I think I see it.

    The Hipster is a woman of taste who knows stylish when she sees it


    1. Is it like one of those hologram pictures? Like, do you have to stare at it and let everything fuzz out until you get a headache and then you pretend to see it because everyone else does and you don’t want them to think you’re a dork?

      I never got those.


      1. I think staring is optional. I wouldn’t sweat it. Trust me, the payoff is minimal. 🙂


    2. You are indeed a clever, clever man.

      And yes she is. She’s entitled to an occasional mistake. 🙂


  4. As hilarious as it may seem, I actually printed out my first nanowrimo “award.” Didn’t after that but hey, an award is an award!

    Had never heard of Awesometown. Watched the theme song thing–think it makes a difference if you know the show.


    1. Tell me you didn’t laugh when Jorma got his turn!


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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