I Pee You

Ah, Facebook. Bringing me the important news of the day.

My “wall” had been updated. The thumbnail image showed a picture of a home pregnancy test.

Jumping ahead a bit, I tried to guess the category. “Things I’ve Peed On for $400, Alex!”

Nope. That wasn’t it. Actually stopping to read the comment helped.

“Guess Igor is going to be a big sister!!”

Slowly the wheels in my brain began to turn. Oh, I get it! Someone’s going to have a baby. Gosh golly gee whiz! I’m so uncited for my unfriend!

I can only hope that a printout of that Facebook entry will be saved for the baby’s scrapbook. Along with Baby’s First Flash Drive and Baby’s First iPad.

This so-called “friend” on Facebook is actually a life nemesis. Facebook sure is loose with the word “friend,” isn’t it? Why can’t we assign levels to the people we know? In addition to “friends” there should be options for: contacts, acquaintances, coworkers, fakers, posers, hosers and hoze.

To protect the identity of this Facebook friend I won’t reveal how I know her or her gender. But I will say this: I’ve blogged about her before. She’s an expert at milking (pun intended) the system. If there is a penny of government funds that she’s got coming to her, she knows how to shake that tree.

Aside from my recent $22 check for two days of jury duty, I can’t recall ever getting any government money.

She’s also one of the fake Christians I know. And she does things like “bear false witness” by taking a used discount card to the store and deliberating tricking the clerk into redeeming it twice.

Come to think of it, I’m against government being in the baby business. Why should having a baby mean that you get tax breaks? That’s bogus. If you want a baby, fine, go ahead and have one. But pay for it your own damn self.

We all know that the IRS and the tax code have nothing to do with money. It’s actually all about social engineering which is just a fancy way of saying the system is designed to get people to do what government wants. That’s the real reason why there is such an unfair and highly complex tax code.

The code is so big that politicians can’t even agree on how long it is. Title 26, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) code totals to about 3,400,000 million words. The non-partisan Tax Foundation reports that the entire tax code with regulations in 2005 was over 9,097,000 words. To put that in perspective, the Bible has 774,746 words. The code has grown in length between 1995 and 2005 by 18.9 percent. The directions for filing a typical form 1040 totals 161 pages. The “EZ” version is 41 pages. Source.

Social engineering is the reason why we’ll never have anything like a flat tax. Too bad, too, because meeting arbitrary government set deadlines and filling out forms is a violation of our right to the pursuit of happiness.

So the government wants people to pump out babies and therefore gives out tax breaks. I’ve just never been able to understand why. It might be something to do with what hyper-macho Sam Elliott talks about in that commercial for penis-shrinking Dodge Ram trucks. There’s “strength in numbers” and that’s what America wants. We wanna be a contender like China.

If I try to think about it my head feels funny. Instead let’s change gears and concentrate on Things That Get Peed On:

• Neighbor’s car
• Neighbor’s fence
• The floor around a toilet
• A fire hydrant
• Trees
• Ford (see Calvin sticker)
• Chevy (see Calvin sticker)
• Bushes
• The lawn
• Las Vegas
• The bed
• Movie theater seats
• Bumblebees
• Home pregnancy tests

Help me out here! Did I forget anything obvious for this very important list?