My bimonthly meltdown
The calm of the office was shattered by a harried shout. “What does bimonthly mean?” someone wanted to know.
Co-worker Nardz immediately yelled out one possible answer. “It means twice a month!” she spurted.
42 nanoseconds later I followed with my response as well. “It means every other month!”
Why we were yelling in an office that’s smaller than the den in an averaged sized home I’ll never know.
Of course the two of them ganged up against me and decided that “bimonthly” meant twice a month. Friggin’ dumbasses.
So I turned back to my computer and punched up the dictionary. Then I got the shock of my life. I wasn’t entirely correct.
I quickly checked for my other definition, too. “Having gay sex once a month.” Nope. Not there, either!
Anywho, the dictionary rather waffled on the matter, I thought. “What the hell?” I grumbled. What’s the point of it even being a word. Who decides this shit?
Wikipedia will know what to do, I thought.
Because of the ambiguity of this word, it is best to avoid it. Instead, use twice a month or every two months as appropriate.
Damn. This bimonthly shit is serious. They’ve even got Wikipedia bamboozled.
To take a negative view (if I may) perhaps the correct interpretation should be based on context. In other words, the meaning of the word defaults to whatever meaning is the least desirable. Some examples:
- Me and the Mrs. get jiggy with it on a regular bimonthly basis – no matter what! (Obviously every other month.)
- You’ll need bimonthly root canals for the next seven years, the dentist said. (Obviously twice a month.)
- You want to see the kid? Fine. Enjoy your bimonthly visitation! (Mmm. Not sure about this one. Be careful what you wish for.)
So now I’ve got that word “bimonthly” locked and loaded in my shotgun of wit. I love to doublespeak and pull off puns on the brainlessly unsuspecting. If there’s a word I can wheel out to spur ambiguity you can bet your ass I’m gonna use it.
At the very least, I plan to do it bimonthly. You have been warned.