Dead Blogging: Jury Rigged

Jury summonsMy dream of live blogging from jury duty died today. Since I’m not live blogging, I guess that means this this post-dated post (PDP) is a form of dead blogging. I kinda like the sound of that.

Live blogging is the act of writing, blogging and/or tweeting about events happening in real-time and as they happen.

Therefore, the logical extension of that definition is when real-time blogging is delayed, it must be dead. This is sure to be a hit with procrastinators like me. Blawg ya laterz! Rawr!

Without further ado, here is my dead blogging feed from day one of jury duty:

7:40am – The luxurious juror parking lot is blocks away from the Courthouse. After walking several blocks we finally pass by the lot where the judges, attorneys and staff get to park.

7:45 – Trudging up the steps to the Courthouse. Why do Courthouses always have to be higher than every other building in sight? I think it’s about justice and equality, with the Courthouse being just a bit more “equal” than everywhere else.

7:46 – Four human bodies can’t fit in the doorway at the same time. Noted.

7:47 – Handed a clipboard by a perky and very nice looking – OMFG!!! Turd buckets!!! Look at the size of that fucking form!

7:49 – Trying to write on my lap since no surface is provided.

7:51 – Analyzing the section about what to do if your employer offers jury duty pay. Does not compute. Where’s the checkbox for “The douchenozzle hates freedom?”

7:52 – Trying to grapple with an essay question regarding my feelings towards alcohol. Wondering if I’ll get in trouble for writing, “Hells, yeah!”

8:05 – Wondering if the world would come to an end if orientation actually started on time.

8:08 – Being told by the jury coordinator that today is going to be more “chaotic” than normal and that the room isn’t big enough to hold us all so we’ll have to “snuggle up” with our neighbor. Of course my “neighbor” is already touching me and, for bonus, has a lovely “I just threw up” smell.

8:20 – Jury instructions consist of 30 seconds of useful information and 19 minutes and 30 seconds of trying to convince me to give up the whopping $10 a day I’m earning for going a day without work. The word “donate” is being bandied about. The phrase “cold dead fingers” leaps unbidden to my cerebral cortex. I squirm in my uncomfortable chair and glare at the jury assistant.

8:21 to 8:41 – The video. ‘Nuff said. Can’t … speak … must … hang … on.

8:45 – Here comes da judge! What? A stand up routine? Ok. Perhaps this will be fun after all.

8:47 – Fuck. Now the judge is all serious and shit.

9:00 – The jury assistant is explaining more rules. No phones, no guns, no knives, and, this is a verbatim quote, “no blogging.”

9:01 to 9:06 – More stuff about important juror concerns like parking and weapons.

9:07 – There will be a slight delay as staff disappears to figure out what the hell might happen today. Apparently today is especially wonky.

9:08 – Now we’re being told what restrooms we can use. I want my mommy!

9:09 – They have commenced with the reading of The Long List of Numbers. This, of course, has been scientifically proven to put jurors into an “unbiased” state.

9:15 – What the hell? They didn’t call my number. I’m told I can leave.

9:17 – Sardines swim towards a small opening known as The Door. I hate everyone.

9:19 – Now I know why I hate “The Cloud.” I’m at the rear edge of a human-puffed mushroom cloud. Why am I the only non-smoker in a four-block radius?

9:30 – Finally! I’m safely at someplace where I can relax and have some fun. Work! (Now I know I’m sick.)

4:45 to 4:50pm – Calling the automated hotline. It takes them five whopping minutes to get to my number. I’m on deck for tomorrow.

Stay tuned for more dead blogging entries mere hours and days after they actually happened…

14 responses

  1. If this blogging is dead, who killed it and what motives do the suspects have? I hope you have a Runaway Jury sort of scam going on during the case. But it will be easy t spot, everyone except movie judges know John Cusack is an actor.

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    1. One of my enemies currently sits in jail (on unrelated charges) with $500,000 bail. (A huge blow to my “there is no karma” belief system.) I’m hoping to get picked for his case. If asked, “Is there any reason you can’t be impartial on this case?” I’ll ponder and scratch my chin, then say, “Gee. None that I can think of.” Then I’d work my subversive magic in the jury room!

      Not really. I’d do the ethical thing and bow out. Damn my values!

      I guess live blogging was killed by the Courthouse. They offer no internet and actually said, “no blogging.” I didn’t make that up.

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  2. What is up with everyone getting jury duty lately?! Fingers are crossed and I’m knocking these knuckles on wood.

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    1. I’m just lucky, I guess. We can only get picked once every two years. It’s been two years since last time. The judge recommended I go buy a lottery ticket since I’m “lucky.” (She sarcastically said.)

      My wife is up next month, too. Neither of us gets jury pay. I guess discretionary spending has to eat the big one for two months.

      Sorry to break this to you, but just by reading this blog your odds have now been skewed. Better get prepared to go perform your civic duty.

      And, oh yeah. No cameras allowed in court.

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  3. ::snuggle up:: That’s so one of my terms…

    I like to think of it as afterlife blogging or afterblog.

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    1. Yeah, I’m all about the after blogging. It’s my specialty.

      Snuggle up? A phrase like that makes me grateful that even though there are no weapons allowed in the Courthouse, I was still trained to kill with my bare hands by the Federal government. That’s something they can never take away.

      So keep the hell away with the fucking snuggle! Especially when the dude sitting next to me smells like something that life pooped out just for me.

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  4. Flashbacks, thanks so much for bringing up repressed memories. Look forward to more trials and tribulations (pun!) as you suffer through the worst of nightmares, having your life controlled via a government operation and cruelest of indignities, seeing your tax dollars at “work.” Maybe it could be zombie blogging, this undead next day thing?

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    1. I love puns! I plan to tribulate big time.

      More to say I will, but wait that must.

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    1. Stay tuned. If my blog has been prohibited by law from reporting further, you just know I must be on to something good. I’m going to shake this story down…

      I wouldn’t call it “fun,” but it’s not quite as scary as I thought it might be, either. This isn’t my first time on a jury but it is an order of amplitude more serious.

      I’ll report more later after I shake off the government prohibitions…

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  5. You’re such a smoke-hater, Tom. So anyway, I’ve always wanted to serve jury duty, just once at least. I’ve been ‘summoned’ several times, but never make it past the phone call placed the day before – my services are never needed. Hey, it’s my civil duty! I wanna do it! 🙂

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    1. Yeah, you got that right. And then some. Walking from the Courthouse and back to the juror parking lot, I realized I traveled several city blocks and never escaped the smell. I looked around and yet never saw anyone. Even outdoors there was simply no way to escape that disgusting smell. I am not exaggerating!

      I deviated from the rest of the group when we’d leave the building. They’d go one way and I’d go the other. When I got to an intersection, I’d base my route on which way I thought there might be the least amount of smoke. But I was always in vain.

      I find that so hella sad. 😦

      Some people never get on a jury. Some get it more than once. Apparently we cancel each other out. I’m two for two making it onto the jury. I like to mete out justice.

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  6. you had to go back a second day? madness, sir. madness.

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    1. And a third. The story will be told soon.

      Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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