Worst headline evar. I know. If you don’t like it, hit the delete key for our double-your-money-back guarantee.

The other day the boss’s daughter came into work after school, like she does most days. On her walk from school she had stopped at Jack In The Box. She asked me, “Do you want two tacos?”

I didn’t hesitate. “Oh yeah.” I can’t help it. I love those things. And, if memory serves, they’ve been two for 99 cents since the 80’s.

In my cubby at work I eagerly found my packets of taco sauce. I joined her at the table and was just about to rip into one of those suckers when I had a very disturbing thought.

“Wait a minute. These damn things aren’t vegetarian.” Aw, shit.

Oh moment of joy had once again turned to dispair in 6.5 seconds. I’m nothing if not consistent.

So I reluctantly handed the tacos to my boss who made short work of them by reenacting a scene from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. (Look away!)

The episode left me shaken but curious. What is vegetarian on the Jack In The Box menu? An internet search revealed stuff like hamburger bun (how un-citing), curly fries, potato wedges, and salad.

But wait? What’s this? Something about the tacos being vegetarian, too? Swoooon!

One website I found claimed the tacos contained soy and no meat. Could it possibly be true? Here’s a hint: No.

A search for the phrase “jack in the box tacos vegetarian” turns 112,000 results. According to one:

There is a widespread rumor in the vegetarian community that the famous tacos at Jack in the Box are not filled with meat but rather soy imitation meat and thus are a good vegetarian option. This is not true, the beef filling in the tacos are a mixture of both soy and beef. (Source: Examiner.com)

Denied by the universe. Again!

Still, it got me to thinking. What isn’t there any fast food in the known universe featuring tofu rather than meat? I bet the geniuses at McDonalds, Burger King and Jack In The Box could think of something. So why haven’t they?

Why does it always have to be about the meat?

To me this seems like a huge opportunity in the world fast food tofu for some forward thinker. The internet is sure abuzz about vegetarian choices at food food restaurants. Someone should cash in on that.

It’s true, Taco Bell tried with their alleged “ground beef” but, alas, it still contained 35 percent meat. Their scientists need to get back in the test kitchen and lower than number. There is simply no excuse for that amount of meat being in there!

Get your tofu on! I already know what I’ll call my chain of restaurants, too. Tofu Mofo.