Unfortunate Cookie

Image courtesy of orangachang (Flickr)

I used to think that fortune cookies were merely lies, or worse.

Now I suspect that they tell the truth, only in ways we don’t suspect. Clever.

Let’s use the one I received last night as an example. At the end of the meal a tray containing two fortune cookies was placed between my wife and myself. As usual, I indicated she could make the selection. “Go ahead and choose my fate,” I said. “Just like you always do.”

“But which will you choose?” I pressed on. “Will you take the cookie which is closest, perhaps the easiest, most expected route? Or will you reach farther for the one that is seemingly not for you? Or, perhaps, is that what they want you to think, and they want you to believe that the farthest cookie isn’t really for you, thus knowing that it will be your selection?”

I was rather pleased with myself.

She just shrugged and grabbed the nearest cookie.

So what great piece of wisdom was left for me? I carefully cracked my cookie open and gently tugged at the fortune inside. RIP! It just tore in half. Fitting.

Luckily I was able to use my extreme intelligence and, against all odds, reassemble the two pieces of paper and read what the fates had in store for me.

You will travel to many exotic places and learn to look within.
–Tom’s Fortune

What the fuck? What a crock of shit! LIES!!! As usual.

Like I’m going to travel anywhere. I can’t even pay for my own health care and I’m slowly deteriorating away. Travel? Ha! For me an “exotic” place is a town about 25 miles away that’s just a skosh bigger than the one where I live. And I only make that particular trip a few times a year. “Lies,” I again said to myself. “How the hell am I going to travel anywhere?”

A few moments later, however, I had a rare moment of insight and clarity. It was one of those “aha” moments. I had solved the riddle of the cookie! I remembered, “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Indeed! Since the prospect of travel within my lifetime is a distinct impossibility, then there can only be one conclusion. The fortune refers to my very own death!

And, taking the inference to it’s logical extreme, there must be many layovers, aka “exotic places” that one must travel to after death and on one’s journey to Hell. And where else, I surmised, would I finally have the kind of free time required to actually dare to “look within?” Indeed, it is easy to imagine that particular activity as my special version of Hell.

Again I was pleased. Not only had I solved the riddle of the cookie but I also had gained the knowledge of my future. It turns out that sometimes I’m wrong. These damn cookies can contain truth after all!

A special kudos goes out to my wife for coming up with the subject line for this post. Woot!

Bonus: Learn how to make paper fortune cookies at the For the Love of Paper blog. Something tells me these would make great gifts and you get to express yourself via the writing form known as The Fortune. I can already think of several. Like, “You will die alone.” Of course we all have to inject our own personality into the fortune writing process, right? If you’re lucky maybe you’ll find yourself on my gift giving list and I’ll make some for you!

Interactive: What fortune cookie messages have you received lately? Enter them in the comment section below and I’ll do my best to perform a Negativity Fortune Analysis as my special gift to you. No charge.

8 responses

  1. Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:

    I can’t believe this post never any love. It must have been the grammatical error.


  2. I never get the damn things any more…..lucky numbers, my ass!


    1. I love the way you turn a phrase. Next time I get some lucky numbers I’m passing them on to you. Maybe a magical gift of self-sacrifice is required to make them go.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I forget what I got a few years ago but it was my 35th birthday and my son and I interpreted it to mean I was going to die. I am sure that was not the cookie maker’s intent, but we found it quite funny.

    Yeah, we’re weird.


    1. I bet most fortune cookies can be interpreted that way. Maybe it’s how you look at it? At least, that’s been my experience. 🙂


  4. I foresee a comment on this blog post in the near future. Why, here it is! I must be the oracle.

    My fortunes have predicted fame, fortune and fascinating friends. The fame and fortune have eluded me, but I do have fascinating friends, such as yourself.

    My son received a fortune that said he’d be responsible for paying off debts of his elders (although worded more elegantly), and I’m pretty sure that the way this country is headed, that this unfortunate fortune will come true.


    1. A self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes. This week is gonna be good.

      Weird. My last fortune said, “You will be seen as fascinating.” It was obviously a curse.

      So they’re putting political commentary in cookies now? Delicious!

      What if they put real fortunes in that actually come true. “You will soon forget to pay your rent and incur a $75 late charge.” Yeah, I could celebrate that.


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