Down on the corner

Why is it that the drive to/from work is quite often the worst thing that happens to me on some days?

That was rhetorical but I’ll answer anyway. Some people do not deserve to live. I’ve elected myself judge and jury. Unfortunately, I just don’t (usually) have what it takes to be the executioner.

Does that make me passive-aggressive if I leave it to some unknown stranger to clean up that mess?

Here’s today’s story.

I’m driving to work and about to turn right on the cul-de-sac. These two scruffy looking nerf herders, one male and one female, both young, were standing on the corner looking like they might be about to cross the intersection where I need to turn.

My spidey sense was tingling.

As a super-human (one that uses his brain) I did what came natural. I slowed to a crawl and watched them carefully trying to judge what could possibly be their intent.

Finally at a complete stop I still watched. Suddenly they departed from the corner and entered the intersection, just like I thought! They didn’t look for cars at all. Idiots. They seemed more preoccupied with something in the sky. Maybe their auras were intersecting with rainbows being used as slip-n-slides by unicorns. Who knows?

They stumbled drunkenly about half way through the intersection. Slow – as – hell. Finally the gap was big enough for me to go. I proceeded with caution.

Aha! One of them changed course and walked back in front of my car. Again no looking around for cars on a street. They couldn’t possible be found there, right?

By this point I was beyond flabbergastion. I glared and mouthed words at ’em. They looked bewildered. “What is this street thing we’ve found?” they seemed to be asking themselves.

Finally I got past and found my parking spot. Geez. What an ordeal. But wait, there’s more. They were walking down the middle of the street in my general direction.

This brings us to the unusual part…

Quite out of character, I got out of my car and headed at them.

“Sup?” I yelled while gesturing towards the heavens.

“You got a light?” they asked.

Whiskey tango foxtrot. Could they be any more fucking oblivious?

“What the hell are you doing standing around in the middle of the street,” I yelled some more.

At last they seemed to get that something was up. A few more exchanges like this and finally the male said something like, “Dude. You need to chill.”

“How the fuck are you still alive?” I demanded to know.

Sadly, I never got an answer. They just blithely moved on down the street. I leaned against my building and watched. After all, they knew my car and where I parked. I watched them approach several more people, probably in their personal Quest For Fire. They certainly fit the part.

Apparently the only thing that mattered in their miserable lives was the need to smoke. And yet, they seemingly were too dumb to plan ahead enough to maintain the necessary accoutrement in their possession to engage in that activity, like matches or a lighter or two sticks to rub together or something. So they were reduced to begging to satisfy their addiction. It seemed to be the single thing they were able to focus on.

They entered a parking lot at the end of the cul-de-sac and approached someone in a truck. I couldn’t hear but words were exchanged. After a while they wandered back into the street again. At this point I was extremely curious about where the hell they could possibly be going.

I went to work and vented about the experience to my boss. As we looked out the window, there the young idiots went, back up the street and out the same cul-de-sac they just went down. And they were walking in the middle of the street!

They finally arrived back at the same corner where I first encountered them and stood there for a while, looking around and up at the sky.

A few minutes later I went back to see what they were up to but they were gone.

Hopefully some nice stranger beheaded them for me. Fucking assholes.

Please enjoy the musical selection for this post:

12 responses

  1. sounds like dopers. but what would dopers be up that time of morning? probably looking for dope after they get their fix. boy i sure do hate those dopers…


    1. Dopers know no time, if they’re really high!


    2. Yeah, I may have assumed wrong. Around here if you walk on a city sidewalk you will invariably be approached by young people asking to “borrow” a cigarette. It’s annoying as hell. I grunt, give ’em the skunk eye, and inform them haughtily that I do not smoke.

      The possibility that it was dope did cross my mind, though. Sadly.


  2. Remember folks, evolution can also work in reverse, as evidenced by these two retards with no notion of their own personal safety. You should nominate them for the Darwin Awards, dude.


    1. They don’t quite meet the criteria yet. There were still breathing last I saw of them. Here’s hoping.


  3. “personal Quest For Fire”

    Those Original Idiots need Rae Dawn Chong to help.


    1. It’s one of those movies that blips up on your radar just once, yet somehow you never seem to forget about it.


      1. I’ve seen it twice! Once when it came out (hated it!-too young) and then about 2 years ago cos a friend said I had to watch it as an adult. I *love* Ron Perlman!


  4. I think those two were in my neighborhood just yesterday. Is it possible?

    Ugghhh… I had a very similiar experience — that slow perpetual walk of the idiot pedestriant crossing the street dazed, confused and/or strikingly dumb! Who knows? But it does scare me. I don’t get angry as much as afraid for them — this particular couple seemed to want to walk the medium strip of a very busy main street. Whatever. I called the police on my phone and let them handle it. Doubt they did.

    But LOVE, LOVE, LOVED the video… again, perfect way to start my morning. Reading a funny post, listening to some music, drinking coffee and doing some thinking… thank you Tom!


    1. It is an awesome video!

      I’m sure glad I’m out there living painful experiences so you all can benefit. It’s what I do.



  5. I’ve never understood how someone who smokes [whatever they happened to be smoking] doesn’t pick up a 50 cent lighter at the Seven Eleven. They’re right there… on the counter… 12 inches from your face… hell, let me just buy it for you so you won’t ask ever again.


    1. Exactly! And sorry about the somewhat slow reply. šŸ™‚


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