Ha ha ha ha! You just fell for it. Sucker!

I’ve now worked for three different ecommerce companies in the last ten years. And I can tell you this: None of them gave even the remotest flying shit about accurate information on their web sites about products being “in stock” or not.

All three of them simply listed products as “in stock” — no matter what.

No actual effort was expended to make sure a product’s availability status was accurate. None.

In some cases, the words “in stock” were simply hard-coded right into the web page.

So how does the shopping “experience” work in cases like these?

1. Shopper visits site.
2. Shopper selects a product page to view.
3. Shopper is told the product is “in stock.”
4. Shopper gets excited about the product and thinks, “I want to consume this shiny thing.”
5. Shopper adds item to the cart and completes their order.
6. Shopper pays for the item.
7. The company says, “Ha ha ha ha ha! Now we have your fucking money.”
8. At some later time shopper is informed of the “unexpected delay” with their purchase.

That’s it. Now you know the secret “magic” that takes place behind the curtain. Fun, huh?

At all three companies I went to the owner of the company and expressed this overly-simplistic thought: “Shouldn’t we consider being honest with our customers?”

Wow. Talk about getting an earful in response!

All three of them expressed it the same way. “If we say a product is out of stock then people won’t give us their money!” (Try to imagine the magnitude of whining here. Plain text simply doesn’t do it justice.)

No shit, Sherlock.

In other words, the paradigm is this: Being honest about the availability of products will hurt sales.

Sales is a god. For some, despite overt protestations that they abide by different religious beliefs, it is the only god to which they will bow down in prayer.

The object of the game is simple. Separate the customer from his wallet in the shortest period of time and with the smallest possible amount of effort. Period. End of story. Game over. Any means, fair or otherwise, will be employed in pursuit of that objective.

Get the money. Then do whatever it takes to maintain the sale. Try to switch the customer to another product. Talk them into waiting. Whatever. But, no matter what, avoid them canceling their order. WE HAVE THEIR MONEY!

Now, be honest. If you knew this was the kind of person you would be dealing with, would you even place that order in the first place?

Lucky for you I’m here to help. I’m going to teach you how to identify these assholes so you won’t become their latest mind fuck. Pay attention now, because I’m only going to say this once.

Here is how you can identify this particular breed of asshole ecommerce retailer:

Their web site lists products as “in stock.”

See? It’s just that easy. Avoid these motherfuckers like the plague!

And now for the bad news about this post. (You expected this, right?)

Dear Blog Reader,

Thank you for your recent click of “This post is IN STOCK” at Shouts from the Abyss.

We have received your click, and wanted to let you know there has been an unexpected delay in the content of the following items:

Item: 5685
Description: Blog post, “This post is IN STOCK”
Quantity: 1 @ $FREE
Shipping Method: Internets

We want to assure you that your blog post will be fulfilled once the item(s) becomes available.

Thank you once again for your blog click and selecting Shouts from the Abyss! We are continually expanding our selection to serve you better, so be sure to visit us often for new blog posts and the latest demotivations. If you have any further questions concerning shipping, order status, payment or other website policies, visit the Help area of our website at https://shoutsfromtheabyss.wordpress.com/about/ .

Sincerely,

Customer Service

Sorry, you lose! Ha ha ha ha!