Employees must not work naked
To: All Employees
From: Management Team
Subject: Clothing Required
Next Monday all employees reporting to work will be expected to ware clothes. Your not to report to work naked. Clothes are things you ware that cover your body. This includes clothes for you top part, like shirts, and clothes for you’re bottom part, like pants. Shoes, also, for your bottomest parts.
Respond to this email, confirm you have received it, that you understand, and that you have printed and posted it by your computer.
Hey motherfuckers! Grammar much? I didn’t think so.
I paraphrased the last sentence. If you want you can also see the verbatim version.
I have one teensy weensy question: Has anybody ever fucking reported to work naked before? If not, just what problem in the name of Zeus’ butthole are you fixing here??? Fuckers!
The above parody is pretty much an actual representation of a typical communication from the management where I work. I’ve slightly changed the subject matter but the real content is only slightly less hilarious and infinity more painful. (I affectionately refer to the place as The Shithole.) Management loves big buzzwords like “multitasking” and a memo like this is an excellent example of the concept.
What is a “memorandum?” According to Merriem-Webster it is a communication that contains “informative matter.” In that case, EPIC FAIL. I am not “informed” by anything contained therein.
Let’s break this so-called memorandum down:
First, what is management for? To make decisions and fix problems. They get off on both. Yes, I mean that sexually. So much so that they love running around wasting their time fixing things that are not broken.
For example, we have had it beaten into us that we are to report to meetings with something to write with and something to write on. We’ve been told it is an “expectation” of the “CEO” (because he is way more important than us) and something we must “attend” to. (I put in quotation marks three of the boss’ favorite words.) Because being “corrected” by the boss is less fun that picking off scabs from your face, us grunts always report to all meetings with pen and paper. There hasn’t been an incident of anyone doing otherwise in years. Yet every fucking email about meetings says something like this (actual verbatim text from the other day): “We have a new policy and procedure that we will be training on at 11am in the store. Please be there prepared with pen and paper.” What could possibly justify treating us like such children? Well, for one thing, the consequences of no “pen and paper” are unimaginably unthinkable! Good God, someone might have to walk 15 feet back to their desk and get one or the other and something like that could possibly take up a whopping ten seconds or so. Can you even imagine the management team’s valuable time being wasted in such a way by a clearly inept employee? Inconceivable! We simply can’t risk that therefore employees must be treated like they are more helpless than kindergarten students. Also notice the subtle use of the word “prepared.” Don’t just show up at the meeting. No way! Show up and be “prepared.” Holy fucking shit! Where I work it is full-on psychological warfare at 24/7. They are sick motherfuckers.
Oh, and by the way, after we were given the all important “training” (what a joke) the management “team” asked if we had any questions on the material. I said yes, I did. Before that could take place, though, the boss’ cell phone went off and the meeting was suddenly over so he could take his personal phone call. Guess the training wasn’t that important after all! We all went back to our desks and the “training” was never heard about again. Gee, it’s like the meeting was more about management posturing than any alleged “training.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
By the way, I kept track of stuff that was so important that it actually needed to be written down. You know, to justify the emphasis on the pen and paper. How much got written? ONE MOTHERFUCKING WORD. One. One!!! I shit you not. Yes, apparently management thinks I’m too utterly incompetent and stupid to remember one single word. That must be why they hired me. What does that say about them???
There is one thing worse than being treated like shit. And that is being treated like shit by people who are stupider than you. People who have just a wee bit of power and love to flaunt it. These are the bad people AKA bosses. Sometimes I think they feel that if they act like dicks we won’t notice the incredible depths of their stupidity. Yet another bad idea on their part. It just makes us hate the stupidity even more. And these idiots are somehow in charge? More proof there isn’t a god.
So let us sing the praises of management, without whom we’d all show up to work naked and without pen and paper.