Since I’m not exactly in love with my job, I’ve been looking at the Help Wanted ads. Today I wish to offer up for your consideration some key phrases you might find in help wanted listings. Since unemployment is high and may remain that way for decades these phrases might be around for a while.
Here we grow again – If you see an ad with this phrase try to consciously be aware of what it means. Which is, mainly, that the company is someplace you don’t want to work. Ever. If you feel like you’d rather be six feet under than a place where this phrase is used, then you know you’re on the right track.
Multi-line Phone System – If you think it might be fun to go back in time and spend some time on Normandy Beach during the Allied Invasion, this job is for you.
Energetic – No, not technically a phrase, but if this word is used anywhere in a job listing you can be pretty sure it is going to be hard to get in your afternoon nap.
Pay Commensurate with Experience – Translation: We’re going to ask you to paint yourself into a corner by answering a question like, “Expected salary?” We’ll then use that as a starting point for negotiations by dividing in half. P.S. We’re fucking assholes.
Benefit package including 401k, medical and dental – Ever heard of the $1 million deductible? Ha ha ha! We also provide a way for you to divert your own money (with no company match) into risky stock market plans where you can watch your money vaporize.
No phone calls – Yeah, we already sound like awesome people. Imagine how fun we’ll be to work for. We’re already giving you orders.
Change lives for the better – Seriously? WTF?!?
Positive Attitude – Are you able to smile while we screw you over? You might have a shot.
Random Drug Testing Required – I actually don’t mind this one. First, I can easily pass these tests. Second, I don’t mind getting paid for peeing. Last time they made me strip down completely naked – I kid you not. Still, it’s good work if you can get it.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds – You’ll be wearing what employers like to call “hats.” One of those will be moving anything they think looks heavy. So much for being paid for your brain.
Must have a valid driver’s license – When you see this phrase in association with non-driving jobs, then you know to expect that you’ll be treated like a combination of Gopher from the Love Boat and a Girl Friday.
Must be friendly – You know, just like the rest of us. We’re friendly. Yeah, right. Fake it at least as good as us and you’ll get the job.
Will train the right person – Pucker up!
Do you want to be a part of a dynamic and caring sales and marketing team? – You’ll be required to provide your own hip waders to navigate our bullshit.
Weekends and holidays required – You’ll be working all the shifts that none of the rest of us want.
Be Your Own Boss / Work From Home – We’re going to sell you a “job” for a super low price – you won’t make any actual money but you’ll be giving us some.
Yeah, I know this list is lame as hell. I’m doing this while punch drunk after a long day at work. (That’s called multi-tasking.) Can you think of any other examples???