Golly, Dim Neighbors!

This is where the neighbors live - in camping chairs in their driveway. They call it the Smoking Room.

Most people don’t have the luxury of choosing their neighbors. I’m no exception so I have douchebags next door.

I happen to live in a newer subdivision so wisely allowed by our city leaders. You might know the type. The single family dwelling lot sizes are smaller than the square footage in some people’s houses. (At under 5,000 sq. ft. I like to call them “postage stamps.”) The street is about three car-widths across and parking is allowed on both sides. (Yes, that means the street essentially becomes “one-way” when cars are parked on both sides.) And the houses are literally about 15′ apart. (I call this “Santa Claus development” because he could theoretically land and simply hop from rooftop to rooftop.) These houses pretty much don’t have luxury items like yards. Lastly, you can park two cars in the “two car” garage unless you do something stupid like put a box in the garage, then you can only fit one car.

As you might imagine, having asshole neighbors in a community like this bites the big one. Of course the worst neighbors in the entire development are located next to yours truly. It’s kind of funny how things work out like that.

I’m sure the landlord thought she was getting a good tenant. The man is a manager at one of the local banks. She probably liked the sound of that. It has the ring of responsibility to it, eh?

Let’s briefly recap some of what I might have shared about them before in a post entitled The neighbors days are numbered :

  • They are friends with our gerbil, party with him, and provide him with illegal drugs;
  • They routinely have excess garbage spilling out of their garbage cans, place cans too close to mine on garbage day;
  • They smoke outside all the time creating an omnipresent cloud of disgusting smell we have to navigate every time we come and go;
  • Cigarette butts are found all around their property;
  • They allow their crazy kids to run rampant and unsupervised;
  • They make a ton of noise such as loud banging noise, kids, and gunning their motorcycle engine for endless periods of time;
  • Their friends park on the curb, the grass strip, block our driveway, and park diagonal across the sidewalk;
  • They have friends over seemingly 24/7 with multiple vehicles always parked on our narrow streets;
  • They have kiddie pools and camping in their front yard with frightening regularity;
  • They are “driveway dwelling” folk, their garage door always left open showing their clutter, lounging in folding camping chairs and smoking throughout the day.

Like I said, however, the neighbors days are apparently numbered. I say “apparently” because even though the landlady has told them their lease will not be renewed (praise God!) I’m still not convinced they’ll actually leave. They seem like the sort to stick around and force physical eviction. My motto is “expect the worst and you won’t be surprised.”

Even though we are miserable next to them, we never complained to the landlord who happens to rent both houses.

So yeah, the landlady wants them gone and it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes good things can happen to good people. (I’m talking about me.)

We’ve learned a few extra tidbits about these people since I last wrote:

  • There are EIGHT human beings (allegedly) living in that three bedroom house, three adults and five kids;
  • In other news, some people living there have not been reported on the lease;
  • They won’t pick up dog poop in the backyard which frustrates the landlord’s gardener to no end;
  • In other news, they never asked for permission to have a dog at all;
  • They are damaging and abusing the front and back yards;
  • They routinely pay their rent 20 days late or more and the landlady has been too nice to charge the late fee;
  • One day the landlady went to the local bank to find the guy and discuss the late rent only to find out he was out on disability leave for falling down the bank’s stairs, meanwhile he’s been out living the life of a mondo party animal for months on end;
  • It was quiet last week; the family was vacationing at Disneyland giving us a little taste of what it’s like not to have asshole neighbors for an entire week.

The assholes are back and picked right back up on their douchebaggery without missing a beat. It’s business as usual next door — but only for 21 more days. They have to be out by the end of the month!

Of course I’m expecting nothing less than bigger douchebags to move in and replace them at that time, but who knows? I just might get surprised.

5 responses

  1. Ok, time to come up with a questionnaire for prospective new renters, since the landlady is too softhearted to do it!

    Question 1. What is pot?
    If they answer “A metal piece of cookware for boiling noodles and making soup”- help them move in- they might invite you over for bbqs, and actually COOK!

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    1. Perfect. I have to say and absolutely brilliant idea.

      Last weekend my wife and I went to a buffet. They were offering something called “Pot Salad.” I passed. 🙂

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  2. I think you and your neighbors should sing to them as their Uhaul pulls away:

    So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight
    We don’t like you ’cause you were not polite.

    So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, adieu
    Adieu, adieu
    To you and you and you [and you and you and you and you and you].

    Like

  3. Abyss you are SO cruel. I keep telling you, they have to live in the front yard. The gardener says that there are cigarette butts all over the back patio. There’s no room to put their feet anywhere on the ground AND we wouldn’t want the kiddies to burn their toes. Also, It’s much funner out front cause they have a huge jumping castle. Man, you are sooooo judgmental 😉

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  4. […] can I say about my neighbors that hasn’t already been said? Of course they are dim. They are obnoxious as hell. There were eight people living in that house, most of them not even on […]

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