The biggest PITA (Pain In The Ass) neighbors in the whole area live 15 feet from my house. Naturally. Where else would they be? Literally no one else for blocks in any direction can come close to these people in sheer douchebaggery. I believe that all good people should tithe me or something because I’m the one who always has to take this kind of shit for the team so no one else has to. I guess that makes me the DOW Scrubbing Bubbles of society.
We found out recently, however, that The neighbor’s days are numbered. The universe noticed them for what they are and, for once, actually gave a shit. I’m still flabbergasted by this unusual development. Of course, the shit they pulled wasn’t exactly subtle.
I have to say, this city living can be weird. Out in the country we knew our neighbors for miles in every direction. But here, in this tiny and cramped urban subdivision, where buildings are 15 feet apart, we don’t know our neighbors at all. Not just these douchebags but everyone. They all keep to themselves. No friendly waves. No welcoming new neighbors. No nothing.
Anyway, it turns out that our gerbil became friends with our neighbors even though we never did. No doubt it had a lot to do with the fact that they have so much in common. Like smoking, marijuana, drugs, drinking, partying, irresponsibility and much, much more. (I wrote about this in My neighbor is parenting my kid.)
We happen to have the same landlord as the neighbors. She’s a very nice lady. And even though the neighbors have irritated the living fuck shit out of us since the day they arrived, we have never once went to her and complained about anything they did. That’s just not the way I roll. I may bitch and moan and complain, but I don’t turn them in. That’s a skosh too passive aggressive, even for me.
About a week ago, though, we heard from the landlady. She had concerns about the neighbors. Imagine that! She had been hearing all sorts of awful things. (Again, not from us.) So she needed a favor. Had we noticed anything at all? Could we confirm what she had heard?
Now I may not be a tattletale, but on the other hand, I’m not about to lie to protect some flaming douchebags, either. We replied to her inquiry and basically said, “We can confirm that what you’ve heard is true.” Shortly after that she let us know they wouldn’t be back when their lease ended at the end of August.
Based on what I’ve written so far you can probably begin to guess where I’m going with this…
Yep. Enter the gerbil.
We were watching a movie in the living room the other night. My wife was on the sofa. I was in my comfy chair and had a view out the front window of our driveway. I noticed our gerbil was out front. I went and took a look and sure enough, he was standing in the neighbor’s driveway (that’s where they mostly live) and they were having a little smoke party. I watched the gerbil throw his butt out in the street and start to move in our direction.
Of course he had an agenda. That was the purpose of the visit. More on that later. But in the midst of us dropping everything to discuss his needs he switched gears into investigative mode.
“So you know the neighbors are getting kicked out. What did you tell the landlady?”
Nice. Very subtle. We can’t even begin to imagine who you might be asking for. We informed him that we never went to the landlady with any complaints about the neighbors. Ever. It wasn’t our fault that they were such big douchebags they made everyone else complain.
“Uh huh,” he said. Oh, this is rich. Now our gerbil is calling us liars? Wow.
Then he went into a little gerbil rampage. For some reason gerbils love to get angry at those who support them the most. I have surmised this is probably why some gerbils also eat their young. “I don’t give a shit,” he yelled at us. “It doesn’t mean anything to me! I’m just asking! I could care less!” Indeed. That’s probably why you’re yelling.
So that was pretty much the end of it. He calmed down and realized he needed to get back to the remainder of his agenda, which was, of course, asking us for more stuff. Then he split rather abruptly.
So, let’s recap. The gerbil visit consisted of:
- Asking us for stuff
- Quizzing us about the neighbors (and no doubt reporting back)
- Call us liars
- Gerbil rampage
- Asking us for stuff
- Leaving abruptly
I’m beginning to realize something. I keep waiting for the shit to be over. This is a fool’s errand. The trick is this: it’s never over. If one piece of shit gets solved then tenfold will flow back to take its place. The shit will never be over.
I don’t feel so good.
Well, on the up side, your neighbors will be gone soon enough.
Oh yeah! I hope it is not too ribald to say I had a little party in my pants when I first heard the news. 🙂
My next thought, of course, was, “Oh no! What if the next neighbors are even worse?” As a guru of negativity I expect nothing less.
This could turn out to be the universe setting me up for a smite of epic proportions.
Time will tell.
Okay then, it’s time for mother to step in here. As much as I love the gerbil posts and that fact the they seem to make me laugh instead of crying over the situation, I do have to jump in a defend my kid a bit. Yes, this is my blood gerbil so it makes it easier for Mr. A to bitch and moan. Mr. A didn’t know said gerbil like I did before he pooped all over us. My gerbil is not the same kid he used to be. NOT at all!!! Somewhere between 17 and 18 an alien ship landed in our yard, took my poor baby and cursed the living fuck shit out of him causing him to take the form of the now dreaded gerbil. It’s all true. I know somewhere under the whiffs of pot, cigs and Monster drinks, lies my sweet loving boy. I know he will come back to me. This shit will be over! When though is the question I ask myself daily.
I’m sure it will be soon! My own son is now only 98% gerbil and it’s only been three more years! 🙂
Please don’t say this shit will never be over! I’m praying that my gerbil won’t break up with his girlfriend before she finds an apartment. *snif*
Take heart! There is always a theoretical possibility, no matter how small! Hmmmm. That sounds strangely like a perverted version of Dr. Suess! 🙂
*sigh* I guess. But I have to agree with Mrs. Abyss above. I love my gerbil to death. What a sweet little boy he was when he was young. So agreeable and happy. And smart, too! His younger sister, however, was impossible! Our nickname for her? The Demonseed. She has improved with age, though. And motherhood has definitely calmed her down. (She now has a tiny Demonseed of her very own. Payback.)
She never showed any signs of gerbil-ism and left the nest long ago. She smirks that her older gerbil sibling will be here forever. Is there no justice in this world? Just goes to show you how 2 kids raised the same way by the same parents can be so damn different. I think they’re called “polar opposites”. WHHHHHHHYYYYY??????
Ha ha ha! I’m Newbie reader here and it took me awhile to understand that the girbil you speak of is a person and not a pet! Ha ha ha I was wondering why you would leave a gerbil run around freely in your yard…. Sometimes I can be a little slow (don’t judge me)
Oh no. It’s not you, it’s me. I made up my own confusing lingo and use it incessantly. 🙂
I opened the Gerbil Research Institute of Parental Edification (G.R.I.P.E.) site to explore this strange and fascinating topic. You can learn more by reviewing our archives by clicking the GRIPE logo on the side of the page here.
Welcome and thanks for the comment! Your blog looks interesting. I’ll be stopping by to visit soon!