ZOMG. Yesterday we went to [gasp] Wal-Mart. Again.

My wife was invited to her cousin’s baby shower. Apparently there was a gift registry at Wal-Mart. My wife wanted to go, so we went.

Not to give away too much of the plot behind this post, but after about five minutes in the store, my wife was overheard to say, “The hell with this fucking place!”

Oh yeah. Now I’m interested. 🙂

The wife had it in her head to get cloth diapers. So to the baby section we went. It was the second time I’d set foot in that area of the store in my life. The first, of course, was the last time she needed baby shower gifts.

She searched and searched and searched and could not find cloth diapers. It was futile. I even helped her. The quest for cloth diapers was epic fail. However, I slowly became aware that there was a shitload of diaper styles to choose from, if you’ll excuse the pun.

Some of them that caught my eye included (and none of these are made up):

• Baby Dry – Erm. Isn’t that the purpose of all diapers? These ones were apparently for “newborns.”
• Natural Fit – Yeah, don’t bother with the unnatural fit diapers. What are you? Some kind of loser? Your baby wants comfort!
• Snug and Dry – Snug sounds good.
• Little Snugglers – More for the newborn!
• Ultra Leakguards – Um, yeah! Forget dryness. I don’t want pee on me!
• Little Movers – Apparently for babies on the go.
• Supreme Little Movers – For upper class babies on the go?
• Little Movers Jeans – For those delicate times you need your diapers to look like blue jeans.
• Swaddlers Sensitive – Helping a sensitive tushy sounds noble, but where is the snug, dry, blowout, leakguard protection?
• Extra Protection – This one comes with a secret compartment for your handgun.
• Premium Stretch – Your baby must be fat or a descendant of the Fantastic 4
• Boys Underpants – It’s still a diaper but you feel so much more sophisticated and older.
• Ultratrim – Lets air through, presumably to carry smells to innocent passerby.
• Ultratrim Baby-Shaped – OK, who’s the dumb ass that would ever buy the other kind?
• Cruisers Dry Max – Because nothing should say “chicks” like a diaper.
• Overnites – Apparently all of the others can only be worn in the day time.
• Preemies – Gentle umbilical cord care – need we say more? For those who just can’t wait.
• Pure and Natural – That refers to the diaper, not the baby. It’s not easy being green.
• Stages Swaddlers – Start at level 1, gain experience and work your way up!

Note: To keep this list from getting unnecessarily long, all diapers for dogs have been omitted.

Just how many frickin’ kinds of diapers do we need? There was jumbo, chlorine free, touch of aloe, super absorbent, super dry, sensitive, different stages, hugflex, soft and cozy, non-woven tapes, clothlike  backsheets, cotton, breathable, gauze-weave fabric, caterpillar-flex, ultra-skin guard liner, mild cosmetic ingredients, super-stretchy closure tabs, and much much more. Just mix and match these terms and you can design your own new line of diapers fit for an American baby, the best babies on earth.

Any idea why the only thing we couldn’t find in the friggin’ story was disposable diapers? My gut tells me it has a little something to do with wanting you to keep coming back again and again for more. If you bought cloth diapers they’d sell much less of them. We must consume and dispose, consume and dispose. Nothing else will do!