The neighbors days are numbered

Maybe, just maybe, good things can happen to losers.

Meet my neighbors. If you’ve been paying attention, I already introduced them. We first met them in My neighbor is parenting my kid then got to know them better in The smell of freedom.

They are “garage door open all the time” sort of people. (I’m the opposite.) Their messy garage is always open and so is the inside door to their house. They must love heat and bugs.

Because of these neighbors, I’ve been formulating a completely new theorem. It deals with the amount of time a family spends in their driveway and how it correlates to I.Q. These people are out there all the time so I hypothesize they are pretty low in the I.Q. dept. They have lawn chairs they keep handy so they can hang out and smoke, in their driveway, for hours on end. Maybe more on that theory later.

Our neighborhood is nice and quiet and orderly – except for the neighbors. These are the people that live on the lot next to mine and their house is literally less than 20′ from mine. Yes, the one and only nexus of jerks in the entire neighborhood happens to be located directly next door to me. What are the odds of that? (Hint: 100 percent.)

The house is the location of innumerable and never-ending parties. It is also the kid nexus of the area. Balls over the fence and then poorly-behaved kids pounding on our front door wanting them back. And all of the kids from miles around apparently are drawn to this nexus, too. It’s kid crazy over there.

For some reason, the City allowed this development to have extra narrow streets. They are not regulation width. There is just enough room for parking on each side of the street then room for ONE LANE of traffic. It’s hella crazy. I know they allowed this non-standard street so the developer could squeeze in a few more lots and make even more money. This is the same developer who lives in a $16 million house and bitches at City Council meetings that the City shouldn’t raise fees on developers. Whaa! “If you don’t let me make the streets narrower than normal it will cost me some lots!” Fuck the residents, eh?

The point here is that I’ve never in my entire life seen a house that gets so many visitors. And so, naturally, the street is constantly clogged with the vehicles of their guests. That forces our street into a continual one-lane fucking nightmare. When we drive in or out we have to drive 2 miles per hour while watching carefully for the omnipresent and unsupervised children who are allowed to run crazy in the street. They party every night, have the inflatable jumping cage in their front yard, with smoking and drinking and kids galore. One of their guests ALWAYS parks with two wheels up on the sidewalk – presumably because his rig is so precious and he’s worried about the narrow street. Him and another douchebag also park by a narrow section of curb that is decidedly not a parking spot and their vehicles block our driveway. Our neighbors, of course, have never once given a flying fuck that our drive is blocked.

Anyway, we happen to have the same landlord. Even though I hate these people with a passion and our enjoyment of this home went completely to shit when they moved in, we have never once complained about them, the cars, the parties, or their constantly overflowing garbage cans.

So the other day we get an email from the landlord. It seems she’s been hearing complaints about them and, as the people located in the eye of the shit hurricane, she wanted our opinions. Had we seen anything next door she wanted to know. She’s been hearing complaints about noise, cars, cigarette butts everywhere, garbage and the front and back yards being destroyed. Apparently she’s also being asking them behave in a certain manner and also she’s gotten for her trouble is the tenant equivalent of “kiss my grits.”

I didn’t want to be a tattletale, so I simply tried to remain calm, logical and factual when replying, “We can confirm that what you have heard is true.”

So the other day we get a follow-up email from the landlady. The neighbor’s lease is up at the end of August and she has already informed them she will not be renewing with them. They has gots to go!

Someone keep a phone handy. If too many things start going right in my life (like one more thing on top of this) I may go into myocardial infarction and someone might have to dial 9-1-1 to save my life. Please remember I have a standing “do not resuscitate” order on my corpse.

Happy days are here again!!! Party at my place in six weeks!!! šŸ™‚

12 responses

  1. That’s great news for you! I hope more good things happen for you & the Mrs – all without the myocardial infarction (whatever that is!). šŸ™‚


    1. M.C. = heart attack šŸ™‚

      If the same people that recommended us as tenants to the landlady can come through one more time, I think we’ll be just fine. Something tells me these particular tenants didn’t come with that stamp of approval.

      Thanks for the good wishes.


  2. That is great news (I concur with Teri!) The abyss will be less abysmal. It’s amazing how many people aren’t good neighbors. Your soon to be ex-neighbors seem to be particularly bad. Good riddance to bad rubbish and adios muchacho!

    I saw my neighbor looking aghast at the ’68 VW bus newly and probably semi-permanently parked in front of our house, retired from its surfboard hauling days. Doesn’t my neighbor realize the old bus is a collector’s item, never mind the duct tape around the side windows and the faded paint job! If my neighbor were a blogger, he might be railing about me at this very moment.


    1. I’m probably going to go pound out a follow-up post in a few that will tie the neighbor situation in with our gerbil. We had an interesting night.

      There’s no telling what can make a neighbor flip out. Me? I try to be casual and go with the flow. (Believe it or not!) But perhaps even a ’68 VW bus could set someone off, hard as it is to imagine something like that. People tend to be pretty uppity about the curb space in front of their home.

      Now we have a similar situation at our house. We had to push out our gerbil’s paperweight (aka as our son’s car) from our driveway were it has sat 1-1/2 years since the day we moved in. We needed to move equipment in and out of the RV parking on the side of the house and his car was in the way.

      Due to the gerbil we’ve lived here 1-1/2 years and I still don’t feel like we’ve moved in. šŸ˜¦ And, like I told my wife the other day, due to both gerbils we’ve now been married almost five years and I still feeling like I’m waiting for our marriage to start. When will it be our time? Sad.

      Anyway, the gerbil’s car now sits on the curb in front of our house because I don’t feel like arranging friends to help me manhandle it back up the drive. We’ve told him the police will eventually tag it and tow it but he doesn’t even remotely care. Right now it has some marginal value and could theoretically be sold. Once towed, however, he’ll quickly owe more than it’s worth and that will be the end of that. Dumbass.


      1. I should have mentioned that the VW bus is parked in front of our house. The neighbor gave the look of displeasure when came he into our yard to scoop his dog’s poop. We never let our dog poop in his grass! I know you like the word poop, so I wrote it twice!


  3. Bad neighbors are the WORST! We’ve had luck with our house neighbors but I remember the guys that lived above us the apartment; footsteps overhead in the back bedroom at 4am. They had to be smoking pot because I seriously doubt those fellas were able to wrangle an orgy.


  4. Make the party in 5 weeks and we’ll all park in front of their house!


    1. The way your brain cells fire just continues to impress the shit out of me. I think we should extend your idea to moving day and make it so they can’t navigate the moving truck to their house! šŸ™‚


  5. That was good news, I’d be happy they were leaving too.

    When I lived downtown I lived in a high rise apartment complex. Not too many children lived in that complex. It was an extremely nice area until the neighbors from hell moved right next door. Yes, they had those endless streams of parties too. Many complained so their lease wasn’t renewed. I remember going out and celebrating after they left.


  6. […] found out recently, however, that The neighbor’s days are numbered. The universe noticed them for what they are and, for once, actually gave a shit. I’m […]


  7. […] briefly recap some of what I might have shared about them before in a post entitled The neighbors days are numbered […]


  8. […] knew their days were numbered but my brain never fully accepted that this day might come. Well, it actually […]


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