Daily Archives: July 12th, 2010

I’d really like to recap my boss

Let’s recap, shall we?

Of course we know that my boss is a fake Christian. How sad.

He’s the sort who overly looks out for #1. Big time and then some.

He actually reminds me of Smaug the Dragon from the book “The Hobbit.”

If you’re familiar with that tale, the book is about a dragon who has a pile of gold larger than he’ll ever be able to use or need, but still hoards every little bit.

Here is how Wikipedia describes Smaug the Dragon:

Smaug was intimately familiar with every last item within his hoard, and instantly noticed the theft of a relatively inconsequential cup by Bilbo Baggins. According to Tolkien, his rage was the kind which “is only seen when rich folk that have more than they can enjoy lose something they have long had but never before used or wanted.”

Bingo. Looks like we have a wiener.

For example, if you clock in one minute late, the boss docks your pay down to the nearest 15 minute increment.

If you work past shift end, for example, because there are still customers in the store, he again automatically adjusts your pay down to your scheduled shift end. He doesn’t pay you to work over. Ever.

He doesn’t pay you to run errands in your own vehicle after work, either. Like when he demands that packages be dropped at the post office. He doesn’t offer to cover mileage, either. Incidentally, this is a dumb ass thing to do on his part. If an employee got in an accident and didn’t have insurance, it’s his business that would be on the hook. But those are the kinds of pennies he loves to pinch.

Like Smaug, when there is something that is supposed to flow his way then suddenly he has a mind like a steel trap. He called me last Friday morning. “Did you take an hour off work last week after we’d already submitted payroll?” Yep, good memory, for once. I already emailed you about it, you evil fuckwit.

On the other hand, if he owes you something, you can bend over and kiss it goodbye. You’ll never see it. I’ve sent repeated emails over the last year regarding the small matter of $11 USD that he owes me. He has never to this day ever replied to a single one. Integrity is priceless. Selling it out over $11 is, well, not priceless, and worth about $11 apparently.

Speaking about looking out for #1, diamonds have been known to be more flexible and compromising. Nothing, God forbid, nothing will ever come before his needs. Everyone else can be damned no matter what. The other day there were three of us in the store; Boss, myself and the other long-timer employee. Late customers came in the store. At closing time we still hadn’t been able to get the customers to take a hint. So the boss walks up to us and says, “I’m outta here. I guess that’s why you make the big bucks.” Quite the shitty thing for a boss to say to his employees who are working late and that he’ll be refusing to pay. (Which is exactly what happened.) The boss really enjoys saying things like, “Look! There is some poop! I don’t have to deal with that. Come here. Look at the poop. Now stick your nose in it or you’re fired.”

The boss refers to customers as “motherfuckers” behind their backs to us employees.

The boss made us all sign an employee handbook that is 6″ thick. Included in that book is a clause that says full-time employees are paid for holidays. No full-time employee in the company has ever seen a dime of that money.

This one is an instant classic. The hand soap was out in the company restroom. It is the only restroom in the building. The hand soap had been out for four weeks. The boss had been using that restroom for the entire time, all four weeks. The boss is a germaphobe freak. Finally one of the co-workers, who told me that hand soap being out was an OSHA violation, confronted the boss and said, “Yo. Homeslice. What up with the hand soap, mothafucka?” The boss proceeded to feign ignorance. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? You mean employees haven’t been washing their hands for a month? That’s gross!” This is the same boss who brags about having a “genius level IQ” and a masters degree.

Whew. That’s enough for now. I’m now in the mood to go to bed, sleep snug as a little bug in a rug, then wake up refreshed and ready to assume the role of whore for another glorious week in the shithole.