Well we’re living here in A;;entown

Customers. Is there anyone dumber on the planet? Dunno. Doubtful. Maybe WWF and/or MMA. That actually turns out to be a damn close call.

Anyway, an eCommerce web site allows customers to create their own orders. Some of them don’t seem to realize that the information they enter might be just a wee bit critical to satisfactory order fulfillment.

Take “Mivjael Smoyj” in “A;;entown,” for example.

Oops. I mean “Michael Smith” in “Allentown,” of course. (Not the customer’s real name.) Poor, poor Michael. He doesn’t seem to be able to grok that the location of his fingers on his keyboard actually make a difference to what shows up on his computer screen. Of course, if he happened to look up once in a while…

Apparently he couldn’t be bothered to verify what his fingers typed. Nor could Mivjael be bothered to review his order before clicking the “SUBMIT” button. Nor could he be bother to read, bookmark and/or print the order confirmation page after he submitted his order. Nor could he be bothered to read the order confirmation email we sent. Of course, that email bounced because he had a typo in his email address!

Poor, poor Michael. Somehow he ended up confused. He didn’t even know if our system had accepted his order or charged his credit card. (FYI, biatch. It did both.)

So a few days later he called one of our customer service representatives to double check about  his order. She diligently looked for “Michael Smith” but due to his typos, she mistakenly assumed he hadn’t ordered or his order hadn’t gone through. That lined up nicely with his paranoid delusions so together they happily created yet another order for exactly the same shit and charged his credit card again.

Our production department didn’t notice anything wrong and made two sets of the same shit.

Our shipping department didn’t notice anything wrong and shipped two separate boxes of the same shit.

Fast-forward a few days…

Poor, poor Michael. He received his first box and was happy as a clam. Then, a few days later, something rather untoward and not completely pleasant happened. He received a second box from us. This confused his already overloaded brain. What could this possibly mean? I wonder if placing one order on the web site and another by phone might possibly have anything to do with it? What are the odds?

This is where yours truly enters the story…

I received a call from Mivjael today as I was being pimped out as a 50 cent phone whore by my boss. Mivjael was extremely worried that he might have been charged twice. Extremely worried indeed. I checked our credit card processing software and found out, yeah, as a matter of fact, he did get charged twice. I found that rather odd since he only had one order in our system.

Undaunted, I accepted the challenge of yet another Holmesian logic puzzle at work served up courtesy of our blubbering idiot customers. It didn’t take long to unravel the mystery once the game was afoot.

I’m considering a rather dramatic change for my long-planned book. I may have to dump the working title “Society of Assholes.” Now, instead, I’m thinking about going with “The Low-Functioning Society.” What do you think? Which do you think describes us better?

12 responses

  1. Wow, that’s a real tough call. While I do think that “The Low-Functioning Society” is, technically, a more accurate title, “Society of Assholes” is definitely the more emotionally satisfying! 🙄


    1. Oooooo!! I agree with IzaakMak! 🙂


      1. Dang, I never knew this would be so hard. Which is more prevalent among us? The assholes or the low-functioning? I thought I knew the answer but the more I think about it the less I’m sure.

        Hmmmm. 🙂


      2. Not to get technical again (but you know I can’t help myself), I would think that the definition of “Asshole” would have to include “Low-Functioning on Purpose.” So the real question comes down to who’s truly brain-dead and how many are just faking it! 🙄


  2. Asshole is appropriate for those who are deliberately or congenitally mean and jerk-like, while low-functioning is a better term for those who are well, “low-functioning,” but otherwise pleasant or no worse than bland. Mivjael seems to belong in the latter category. These are the ten percent of the people in this country who in a recent survey didn’t realize that Hawaii was a state. Hopefully, these people will realize that it’s composed of islands if they ever decide to go there.


    1. Actually, hopefully they won’t. And, they’ll try to drive home. Let’s get them out the gene pool, eh?


      1. Perfect! Perhaps I should start a travel agency.

        “Visit strange and exotic Hawaii! For a limited time we’ve made special arrangements so you don’t even need a passport – but only if you travel through us! Act now and we’ll throw in a FREE rental car for the scenic trip home!”



    2. I’m beginning to suspect that Americans are the perfect confluence of both.


  3. What an idiot. Almost deserves to be charged twice.

    I like both of them, how about combining them? The “Low-Functioning Society of Assholes”.


  4. IzaakMak raised damn good points. I realize now how woefully unprepared I was for this discussion. 🙂

    Lot’s of us live with the shit behind the curtain. The shit that makes things go. These are the advanced technologies that most of us use but can’t be bothered to understand.

    Things like:

    * Electricity (hidden behind light switch)
    * Automobile (engine hidden under hood)
    * Toilets (flushy does what?)
    * Computers

    Any technology advanced enough that we don’t understand can then be used against us, like when we are taken advantage of by unscrupulous mechanics and computer programmers.


    1. “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” – Arthur C. Clarke. 😀


      1. I would agree. It is amazing some of the things we have and can do that I don’t have the slightly clue how it works.


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