Reek ‘em and weep

Most every day I do something unusual. Well, most every day. Usually on the days I decide to leave the house. You know – go out in public and shiznit.

This unusual thing I do is clean myself with soap and water. I generally try to make myself presentable and put actual effort into things like how I smell. Do I want to smell especially delicious? No, I couldn’t care less about that. On the other hand, I don’t want to reek like a hungry bung hole, either.

That means I try to wash off most of my body odor, brush my teeth, have fresh breath and put on clean clothes. I’m no Mr. GQ, in fact, I’m pretty much live my life as if wrinkles are the new cool, but having a dumpy appearance is my problem. Smelling disgusting is everyone’s problem.

I know life sucks and all, but can you at least put some effort into not making me puke if I’m unlucky enough to encounter you on this giant blue marble we call home? I swear to God that some people wake up and say to themselves, “I think I’ll put in extra effort to be disgusting today. I’m going to live like I’m trying to win an ugly contest.”

When I say that trying to not smell disgusting is something unusual, that is based on my empirical observations. It is based on the number of people I meet on a daily basis that smell so disgusting that literally provoke my gag reflex. Come on, people! Can’t you make any effort at all?

I want to ask them if they can do me a favor. You see, I’ve never in my entire life smelled a dead body (or what the cops call a DB.) So the next time I’m watching “CSI” perhaps they can do me a solid and stop by my crib during a particularly grisly scene to give the experience that extra boost of realism so I can really get into my favorite show. Just think of it as surround sound home theater for the nose!

Ah, America. The land of the freedom. Some of our most cherished freedoms include the right to be an asshole and the right to smell like a steaming pile of shit. Your freedom should fucking end where my nose begins.

Let’s be honest here. 99% of the time when I’m talking about someone who reeks I’m talking about a smoker. I’ve known many smokers in my life who, for some strange reason, never reeked like a tobacco factory. They cared about their appearance and took care of themselves and smoked outside and for some reason the smell wouldn’t glom onto them like Tiger Woods on classy women.

I don’t know why, but some smokers are more smell “sticky” that others. And my sweet Lord it can be bad. It really makes a statement when you walk through a room and the vomit-inducing odor hangs around for half an hour. Seriously. Clean yourself up.

And more importantly, if you smell that bad, how can you not fucking know it? I can imagine only two possibilities. Either you know about your odor and you just don’t give a shit or somehow you remain completely clueless, perhaps because you destroyed any smelling capability in your nose years ago. I find it completely inconceivable that someone could smell like that and not be aware, but I guess anything is possible.

Perhaps I’ll make my own YouTube video someday. It will feature me (with off-screen bodyguards) asking reeky motherfuckers, “Why do you smell so goddamn disgusting?” I guess that would make me a street scientist of sorts, eh? Those would be some interesting results I’m sure.

All hail freedom and the never-ending onslaught on my nose.

11 responses

  1. You are right, hail freedom. At least I do.

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    1. Does “freedom” include the right to injure others?

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  2. “Some of our most cherished freedoms include the right to be an asshole and the right to smell like a steaming pile of shit.”

    Aaaaaah, the sweet tinkling bells of truth…

    I don’t mind smokers as much [I grew up with parents who smoked so I’m rather immune to it] but body odor drives me up the wall, or maybe crawl away gagging would be a better description… Sadly, in the hot hot hot country where I live, it seems that many a man thinks that smelling rank is a statement of masculinity.

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    1. Of course I mean any body odor. It’s just that smoker’s BO is what I personally encounter the most.

      The other morning I was in the express checkout line at the grocery store. I was sandwiched between two smelly people in very close proximity while standing in line. I wish I could vomit on cue. I’d simply smile and say, “I’m a little sensitive to disgusting. My bad. I shouldn’t have stood so close to you.”

      All hail the freedom to smell like a piece of shit!

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  3. Ok. Now I’m laughing so hard I’m having a difficult time finishing my breakfast. “Your freedom should fucking end where my nose begins.” Can I steal this line?

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    1. I’m glad to be of assistance with your diet plan. Not that you need one, mind you.

      But of course, M’lady! Please feel free to purloin that particular turn of phrase. 🙂

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  4. I couldn’t agree with you more. Change your clothes and take a shower, then put on clean clothes. Of course, you can’t beat the grandma that pours on her rose smelling perfume. Ah, the sweet smell of roses!

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    1. Yes, too much perfume can also be a problem but it’s not the low-hanging fruit, at least in my opinion. Your mileage may vary!

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  5. Snoring Dog Studio | Reply

    Honestly, the long-time smokers will never get rid of the smell. It’s way down deep clinging to their lung parts. Ugh.

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    1. I think quitting would go a long way towards fixing that. Maybe a carpet cleaner, too. Or we could just ambush ’em with a bucket of Febreze. 🙂

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Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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