Don’t fire until you see the whites of their teeth

Imagine that you are surfing your favorite site that offers a free service of some kind. Naturally that means you are being subjected to annoying bullshit advertisements up the ass.

By my calculations about 96 percent of the information you hear in television commercials is false. For all intents and purposes advertising is completely unregulated in the United States. On the internet apparently it’s even worse. My calculations indicate that about 112 percent of the information in online ads is false.

I’ve long since trained myself to avoid looking at online ads. It’s a skill that can be learned and I’m quite proud of it. I feel a certain sense of glee and accomplishment knowing that some idiotic son of bitch wasted his money trying to persuade me to do something contrary to my best interests.

Every once in a while, though, an ad may still catch my eye. This one had the name of my town in the ad copy, which is a sneaky bullshit attempt to make the ad appear more legitimate to me. It read, “Anytown mom discovers the $10.00 secret to white teeth.”

What the hell? Yeah, I live in “Anytown.” How the hell did they know that? I run my computer in private mode, I clean my tracking cookies, I run Ad-Aware and I like to protect myself.

The ad copy localized to my city tells me something has gone awry. Somehow, once again, you’ve bypassed my protection and figured out it’s me. Thanks for the reminder, filthy data miners. Time to scan my system and clean out my system, fuckers.

6 responses

  1. Stop being a lib and looking for free crap.


    1. Fine. It’s now $20/year to read my blog, you freeloader. And I know you’ll pay because you’re not a “lib.”



  2. Hey, I thought that Mom with the secret lived in my town, ha, ha. I can tell you the cheap secret to white teeth for free, but if you want to send me $10, I’m cool with that. It’s hydrogen peroxide. It’s funny that you should be talking about white teeth, because I go to the dentist tomorrow and was going to swish some in my mouth diluted half strength. It kills the germs that cause inflamed gums, too.

    It is creepy that ads are targeted to our towns. Some people from So Cal used my computer (with my permission), and after I got back the news was targeted to Orange County, California.


    1. When are you going to realize that I know all. I knew you were going to the dentist tomorrow which is why I moved up this post and released it early.


      So um yeah. The Orange County thing proves your computer is infested with tracking objects and that’s not cool. Be sure to clean that stuff out from time to time. The ads that target the city you live are a very good reminder for that.


    2. Hydrogen peroxide? Really? That’s the big “secret?” LOLZ!


  3. I personally don’t mind ads being targeted to me – I still don’t look at them.

    Still, I can see the point in maybe really NOT wanting to have your data just stored somewhere on someone’s hard drive…


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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