This post is just a little update on the events of yesterday. By the way, in case anyone is counting, Fuck you, asshole may not be the most clickable subject line of all time for a blog post. Comments were down yesterday. 🙂
This is the current analysis in a nutshell:
Fact: The gerbil voluntarily returned The Key to The Nest (our house) about 9 days ago.
Fact: Yesterday my wife came home for lunch and discovered proof that the gerbil had been in our house that morning (without our knowledge or consent) after we left for work. She also discovered that the side door to the garage was unlocked. My wife searched the house and did not find the gerbil. My wife rigged the front door to detect gerbils, locked the entire house (including the side door to the garage) and went back to work.
Fact: At about 1:30pm in the afternoon, I noticed the gerbil had hit on a woman on Facebook. My wife said the gerbil was not at work. We surmised he was back in our house. I rushed home and found the gerbil in our house. The front door was undisturbed.
Fact: When asked if he had a key to our house the gerbil said he borrowed our house key from Aunt Mabel. I went back to work. The gerbil said he would lock the house back up before leaving.
Fact: Aunt Mabel says she did not loan the gerbil the key.
Fact: Before I left work I noticed the gerbil was on Facebook hitting on another girl. Or whatever it is they do on there.
Fact: I came home and found the gerbil in our driveway. That and the Facebook timing is circumstantial evidence he had just exited our home.
Based on this information these are possible logical conclusions:
- Aunt Mabel is lying that she didn’t loan the gerbil the key.
- The gerbil is lying about getting the key from Aunt Mabel.
I think I’m ready to take a guess. It was Guru of Negativity in the Arts and Crafts Room with the gerbil poison! Who else loves Clue? 🙂
Since Aunt Mabel is trustworthy and the gerbil is a known liar, we’re going to ignore possibility #1 and drill down more on possibility #2.
Assuming that the gerbil is lying, these are possible conclusions:
- The gerbil made himself a copy of our house key. (He’s had 1.5 years to get this done.)
- During his last visit when we allowed him in our home, the gerbil surreptitiously unlocked the side door to the garage in order to have a way to re-enter the house.
We trapped all the doors to our house today but there was no gerbil spore. Apparently the gerbil wasn’t guilty of breaking and entering today.
Assuming the gerbil still has a key to our house, our options are: attempt to get him to tell the truth and hand over the copy or pay approx. $100 to have our locks re-keyed. The latter option is most distasteful since the gerbil already owes us about $1,000 for an emergency plane ticket to save his ass, paying his auto insurance, covering his trip to urgent care, breaking (and lying about) the blinds in his room, etc.
Assuming the gerbil doesn’t have a key to our house, then he must have gained entry to our home via the side door to the garage. When the gerbil still lived here we had many unexplained incidents regarding the side door to the garage. We suspect this was our gerbil’s modus operandi. Leaving the side door to the garage unlocked for his own purposes would be a particularly shitty thing to do since it means our house would be open to the world when my wife and I were sleeping in our beds. It also means all of our meager possessions would be placed at increased risk for burglary.
Extending the logic for this particular scenario a bit, however, we get to some interesting places. If the gerbil didn’t have a key, how did he get back in the house after my wife re-locked all the doors and went back to work? One possible answer is that the gerbil was hiding in the house the entire time she was there. Of course, this raises the question: If he had hid in the house with no key, how did he get out of the house and keep the deadbolts locked on our doors later that afternoon? Without a key at least one of deadbolts on our doors cannot be locked from the outside. A working theory: He may have locked them all from the inside and then hit the button to close the garage door, sprinted across the garage, and jumped the little laser beam before the garage door had closed.
Who ever said that logic can’t be fun?
As of now we still don’t know which scenario is the truth. I guess this sort of thing is how a gerbil says, “thank you.”