Gerbil logic

Calculating gerbil trajectory...

This post is just a little update on the events of yesterday. By the way, in case anyone is counting, Fuck you, asshole may not be the most clickable subject line of all time for a blog post. Comments were down yesterday. ๐Ÿ™‚

This is the current analysis in a nutshell:

Fact: The gerbil voluntarily returned The Key to The Nest (our house) about 9 days ago.

Fact: Yesterday my wife came home for lunch and discovered proof that the gerbil had been in our house that morning (without our knowledge or consent) after we left for work. She also discovered that the side door to the garage was unlocked. My wife searched the house and did not find the gerbil. My wife rigged the front door to detect gerbils, locked the entire house (including the side door to the garage) and went back to work.

Fact: At about 1:30pm in the afternoon, I noticed the gerbil had hit on a woman on Facebook. My wife said the gerbil was not at work. We surmised he was back in our house. I rushed home and found the gerbil in our house. The front door was undisturbed.

Fact: When asked if he had a key to our house the gerbil said he borrowed our house key from Aunt Mabel. I went back to work. The gerbil said he would lock the house back up before leaving.

Fact: Aunt Mabel says she did not loan the gerbil the key.

Fact: Before I left work I noticed the gerbil was on Facebook hitting on another girl. Or whatever it is they do on there.

Fact: I came home and found the gerbil in our driveway. That and the Facebook timing is circumstantial evidence he had just exited our home.

Based on this information these are possible logical conclusions:

  1. Aunt Mabel is lying that she didn’t loan the gerbil the key.
  2. The gerbil is lying about getting the key from Aunt Mabel.

I think I’m ready to take a guess. It was Guru of Negativity in the Arts and Crafts Room with the gerbil poison! Who else loves Clue? ๐Ÿ™‚

Since Aunt Mabel is trustworthy and the gerbil is a known liar, we’re going to ignore possibility #1 and drill down more on possibility #2.

Assuming that the gerbil is lying, these are possible conclusions:

  1. The gerbil made himself a copy of our house key. (He’s had 1.5 years to get this done.)
  2. During his last visit when we allowed him in our home, the gerbil surreptitiously unlocked the side door to the garage in order to have a way to re-enter the house.

We trapped all the doors to our house today but there was no gerbil spore. Apparently the gerbil wasn’t guilty of breaking and entering today.

Assuming the gerbil still has a key to our house, our options are: attempt to get him to tell the truth and hand over the copy or pay approx. $100 to have our locks re-keyed. The latter option is most distasteful since the gerbil already owes us about $1,000 for an emergency plane ticket to save his ass, paying his auto insurance, covering his trip to urgent care, breaking (and lying about) the blinds in his room, etc.

Assuming the gerbil doesn’t have a key to our house, then he must have gained entry to our home via the side door to the garage. When the gerbil still lived here we had many unexplained incidents regarding the side door to the garage. We suspect this was our gerbil’s modus operandi. Leaving the side door to the garage unlocked for his own purposes would be a particularly shitty thing to do since it means our house would be open to the world when my wife and I were sleeping in our beds. It also means all of our meager possessions would be placed at increased risk for burglary.

Extending the logic for this particular scenario a bit, however, we get to some interesting places. If the gerbil didn’t have a key, how did he get back in the house after my wife re-locked all the doors and went back to work? One possible answer is that the gerbil was hiding in the house the entire time she was there. Of course, this raises the question: If he had hid in the house with no key, how did he get out of the house and keep the deadbolts locked on our doors later that afternoon? Without a key at least one of deadbolts on our doors cannot be locked from the outside. A working theory: He may have locked them all from the inside and then hit the button to close the garage door, sprinted across the garage, and jumped the little laser beam before the garage door had closed.

Who ever said that logic can’t be fun?

As of now we still don’t know which scenario is the truth. I guess this sort of thing is how a gerbil says, “thank you.”

8 responses

  1. Maybe you should get a cheap and very loud audible alarm for that door. You know, one you mount to the side of the door that has a sensor on the door and goes off when the door is opened.

    Looks like Home Depot has one, but I’m sure you can get one anywhere.

    Imagine the look on the Gerbil’s face when he opens the garage door and the alarm starts going off! HA! He’ll have to figure out how to shut it off without the remote key.


  2. God, he needs to focus his powers on good, not evil.


  3. unabridgedgirl | Reply

    I don’t get it, Abyss. I just don’t.



  4. Here’s an update for the exclusive few, my dedicated drill down readers. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I just received this email:

    Confirmed, he has a key.



    She saw him in our driveway (of course) this morning. Luckily she trapped the front door. When she came home from lunch the trap had been sprung.

    I guess that solves this mystery.


  5. My own personal gerbil recently went away on a week-long fishing trip with his father, (my ex-husband) Gerbil Sr. How wonderful it was for me to come home to a totally empty house! I actually ran around in my underwear a few times…I lounged around on the vacant frontroom sofa (the gerbil’s usual habitat) eating ice cream, and enjoying my temporary solitude. It was paradise, I tell ya! Now…My gerbil’s current girlfriend is planning on buying a condo in October. She has promised to take him, his mountains of laundry, and his hugely obese pet rat, Taco, with her to her new home. I call this turn of events “the light at the end of the tunnel”. Can it really be true? Should I dare to get my hopes up? October seems so far away…


    1. Hehe! Running around in the house in your underwear? Sounds like too much excitement for my heart to take! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Alone time is the best, isn’t it? Especially when you never get it. I’m sure my wife will be more than happy to testify to that since I never leave the house.

      Having your gerbil get a golden ticket out (aka girlfriend’s condo) is basically the life version of winning the lotto! Just pray that it lasts. ๐Ÿ™‚

      And, you inadvertently touched on a very important point. Why is it that gerbils always seem to have pets even though they can’t even take care of themselves??? ๐Ÿ™‚

      I like your comment. I’m going to click over to your blog now. I expect I’ll be extremely entertained! ๐Ÿ™‚


  6. Oh dear. You’ll probably be disappointed. My last post was all about Crocs (the shoes, not the reptile). Concerning pets…yes, my gerbil has the afore-mentioned giant rat, Taco, two snakes, and an adopted tarantula named “Rambo” (don’t ask). I just hope the gerbil’s girlfriend has the ability to incorporate assorted pet habitats into her decorating scheme.


    1. Yes, I’ll read a blog about shoes. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Now that you mention it, gerbils and their dating exploits haven’t been explored too much yet by our GRIPE researchers. We do know this: The gerbil was dating a nice girl. They spent a lot of time together and were in love. The girl worked for a living, went to college, and managed to provide for herself including a working automobile.

      For some strange reason – it must have been love – she seemed to be fine dating a high school dropout who had spent the last three years not working on his GED, not having a job, not having a car, and essentially doing nothing but waste time, hang out with friends, have his cell phone turned off, his auto insurance canceled, his driver’s license suspended and mooch for every possible need from everyone in his life. During the same three years the gerbil actively pursued a body modification makeover to make himself as un-employable as possible, not that he ever looked for a job. (The closest he got was lying about looking for a job.)

      For some strange reason this girl’s father didn’t seem to care for our gerbil too much. Go figure.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: