Salubrious Basterds

Salubrious Plague Chaser

Note: This post satisfies the legal requirements of my earlier post entitled “Blog improv.” That’s where I asked for some random words. I will now use those words in this post. The random words, in addition to “Salubrious” which is used in the subject line, will be highlighted when they are used. Enjoy! –Abyss

The doctor will fee you now!

Is your doctor all that and a bag of chips? Is your doctor the cat’s meow?

I don’t know. You tell me. How do you feel about someone who says, “Sure, I’ll help you with something important like your health.” You know, that life and death stuff. Almost as important as a new episode of Jersey Shore. “But I’ll only do it for something akin to every penny you make for the next twenty years. Deal?”

Wow. That’s just awesome! And to think I’m such a friggin’ idiot – I do nice things for people every day and I don’t even charge. Woe is me, how dumb I’ve been. If you catch me at home sticking my head in my Easy-Bake Oven, please don’t try to stop me!

I get it. You are an important human being, Doctor. Me? I’m a steaming pile of poop. That’s why I have to schedule my whole life around my visit to see you, wait in your disgusting little room full of sick people, and pay over $100 for 10 minutes of quality time where you’ll barely pay attention to me and rush me away as fast as humanly possible.

The other day my wife was feeling rather forlorn because she was in some rather extreme pain. There was a red bump behind her ear and some painful redness that seemed to go up to the tip of her ear. At first we assumed it was a pimple or a bug bite.

The next day, though, her ear was still in a pickle, so she did something we don’t often do. She took herself in to see the doctor. Good thing, too. I turned out to be neither of the problems we suspected. It was some kind of infection of the bone behind the ear and is fairly serious if left untreated. The doctor prescribed some antibiotics.

My wife complained about the severe pain, which seems to be close to debilitating, but the doctor refused to prescribe her anything for it. Apparently he has his own moral standards about prescribing the dreaded “narcotics” that might take away my wife’s pain until the antibiotics could kick down the infection.

I understand that the health care system is so discombobulated that doctors now live in fear of writing prescriptions for pain meds. Some people visit 10 different doctors a month, get 10 prescriptions for pain meds, and get those prescriptions filled at 10 different pharmacies to remain under the grid and avoid detection. I get that.

On the other hand, however, my doctor can easily verify that he sees us like once every few years and that we haven’t had any prescriptions from him during that same time. If we’re addicted to pain meds we sure have a damn clever way of hiding it!

So the basterd listened to my wife complain about her pain and decided, “Nah. You can live with it. My salubrious standards are more important than your suffering. You are depressed. I’m glad you came to see me to get this off your chest. Come back and see me later. Next patient, please. Send in another victim of industrial disease!

I thought doctors took the Hippocratic oath which says, “Do no harm.”

“Ah,” says the doctor. “There’s your problem, old chap. I’m not the one doing the harm. You can blame the funky ear bone widget thing for that. I’m just the one refusing to treat the pain caused by what is doing the harm. See the distinction? They taught me that in medical school – in addition to billing systems, of course. Also sailing, golfing, and hiding assets offshore.”

Are doctors simply in charge of thinning the herd? Or are they actually supposed to help the people that come to them in pain?

I admit. I simply don’t get it.

10 responses

  1. Doctor’s suck so much these days. You’d think that, with all the money they make, they could afford to take a photo of your wife, using one hand to sign a release form and with the other on a stack of bibles, while the doctor taps on the spot behind her ear so that her pain is documented as well. And the next photo might actually benefit him in his lawsuit for assault against your wife for giving some much deserved pain of his own. πŸ˜€


    1. Excellent!

      That’s the thing that got me and spawned this post. My wife wasn’t some bonehead describing some mysterious pain that couldn’t be documented in an effort to score some meds.

      He’d just frickin’ diagnosed her! That’s proof she had a legitimate medical need for pain relief, and not that OTC shit, either.

      So my wife went back to work after her appointment and spent part of her day literally crying from the pain.

      I do like the idea of pain payback, though. πŸ™‚


  2. Tom, I don’t think your head would fit in an easy-bake oven… but I was happy to see it included! Nice!


    1. I was particularly pleased with how I used your suggestion. Although I did seriously consider an alternative that involved the doctor using an Easy-Bake Oven as an incubator. πŸ™‚

      We just lost the inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven three months ago:
      Ronald Howes, Inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven, Dies at 83


  3. Awesome post! Seamless use of random words!
    My husband’s shoulder has a habit of dislocating. We once went to Bonehead General to get it re-set then 6 months later had to go back because it popped out again. The doctor on duty accused him of drug-seeking to his face. We asked for, and got, another doctor. Needing Demerol once every 6 months does not a drug habit make. Plus, he never filled the Rx for pain meds that they gave him. Then, both times, they discharge him and forget to take the IV needle out of his arm! And he’s the one on drugs? Urg.


    1. Wow. Small world. I also go to Bonehead General! πŸ™‚

      Thanks for the kind words. πŸ™‚

      Doctors having a fear of helping their own patients is entirely due, I’m sure, to the effect of Bad Apples in the system. It’s the Bad Apples who ruin things for everyone. Because some people out there misuse medication therefore my wife has to go to work in extreme pain and sit at her desk and cry.

      This is a sick, sick world.

      While on vacation a couple years ago I had a tooth go super-critical. The pain was debilitating. I called my dentist and his gatekeeper, the receptionist, played hardball with me. We made an appointment for the very next day, but absolutely under no circumstances would they call in a prescription to get me by until the appointment. The technology to help me existed but because of the system (that requires me to pay $100 for a doctor to help me) and the Bad Apples I am not trusted enough as a human need to walk into a store and simply buy my own Vicodin. Meanwhile about fifty percent of the population is floating on a cloud with their self-prescribed and readily available marijuana.

      Anyway, that night, with no pain prescription from my doctor, the pain got so bad I ended up in the local hospital’s emergency room. A doctor came and spent about 5 min. with me and then an assistant shot me with something called “delotid.” Price tag for my dentist refusing to give me a few pain meds? $1,200 and I do not have medical insurance!



      1. I too have no dental coverage. I had to go for over a month once, living with an excruciating toothache, until I managed to get help from the local Veterans Service Commission through the county Health Department. During this time, I had been jamming small pieces of crumbled OTC pain killers into the cavity just to get a little relief. When I finally got to see a Dentist, they chewed me out for the extra damage I’d done to my teeth by treating the pain that way!

        How was I supposed to know that crumbled pieces of ibuprofen would burn enamel and nerve tissues? But even after all that, they said that I’d have to see an oral surgeon (which the VSC would not cover) and then gave me antibiotics, Vicodin, and sent me on my way. I guess I must have burned away the right nerves, because I still haven’t been able to pay for the oral surgeon yet the pain never came back.

        I hope that I didn’t just remind some forgetful “God-Of-Pain” that I’m long overdue! πŸ˜•


  4. […] think too much of doctors. I often bitch about doctors on my blog. In a previous post I called them Salubrious Basterds. (That post was yet another “challenge” post, namely Blog Improv. The day is coming […]


  5. Wow….I’ll have to repost a very early post I wrote about my mom’s doctor. She basically told us last April that we should start planning the funeral and gave my mom two weeks to live. It’s ten months later and my mom is still living on her own, in her house and doing very well. Medical coverage is vastly different here, but doctor’s should still give a shit about their patients!!


  6. Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:

    Long story short, my wife went to urgent care recently and paid full price (cash) for a diagnosis and prescription that didn’t do jack shit. She waited a week then asked for a follow-up visit. Nope! Not only is a second visit for a misdiagnosis still full price, but the price has actually gone up because of the new year. I’m like, I gotta get in on this doctorin’ biz because where else can you demand top dollar for being completely wrong? Salubrious basterds!


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