As the self-proclaimed Guru of Negativity, I have a question.

Why are my prognostications shit upon?

Seriously, I’d like to know.

One of the jobs of a guru is to spread wisdom. Another is to portend future events. In my particular case, as a negativity specialist, this involves predicting what will fail.

When a guru is correct, their wisdom and powers are usually celebrated. Like, “Wow, that guru did a good job!” or “Did you see the way the guru predicted that outcome?” Sometimes even, “Hey, let’s follow that guru’s advice!”

Alas, it doesn’t quite work that way for me. When I personally take the time and energy to invest of myself in a prediction, somehow it isn’t viewed quite the same. (The process is actually quite draining.) Is it because my predictions involve failure? Yeah, that must be it.

Please allow me a short story to illustrate.

Once I was approached by a great gerbil. This gerbil was so great he may have actually been the leader of the gerbils. He said to me, “I have a plan. I have decided. I will travel to New York City for the summer and will sell home security systems door-to-door.”

I thoughtfully rubbed my freshly shaved chin and replied, “Hmmm. What an interesting idea. Have you thought this through?”

He then explained how the company would provide one-way transportation to NYC and provide lodging just as long as the sales rolled in.

I listened thoughtfully and thinked on it real hard until white smoke came out of my ears. I had pondered the future and I had been blessed with true knowledge.

“You will fail,” I said. “Utterly. In fact, my advice is this: Do not go. If you do go, make sure you always keep a reserve fund so you will be able to get back home. And so it shall be.”

As often happens with my guru musings, the client did not look pleased. As also often happens, none of my wisdom was heeded. Off the gerbil ran to NYC for the summer.

The ending to this story is a familiar one. Just a few weeks later the gerbil called. The gerbil was in trouble. It turned out that he was not successful at selling home security alarm systems in New York City door-to-door to the nice people living there. He had been fired and tossed out on his ass. “I have enough money to eat for two days and them I’m screwed,” the gerbil explained.

One plane ticket later (provided by your friendly neighborhood guru) and the gerbil was safely ensconced back in the nest.

Was there praise for the wisdom from the guru? Was my prediction hailed as a success? Was there a parade to celebrate how well I’d done? Did I even get repaid the fucking $300 for the plane ticket? Alas, no.

Sometimes it can be lonely being a guru. Especially when your field of expertise is negativity. No one seems to appreciate it when you are right.