You can impress me!

I received an email today about how to handle illegal interview questions. According to the email (always a very reliable source) the questions below are are “illegal.”

Of course, what is “illegal” in a job interviewing type of situation? I think it goes without saying that one person’s “illegal” is another person’s “get yer ass out the door because you won’t be working here!”

Right on. People abusing other people. You know, now that I think about it, they ought to base an economic system on that.

According to the advice in this unsolicited email there are three ways you can go when responding to an illegal question during an employment interview:

1. Answer honestly if you want.
2. Tell the interviewer their question is illegal thus blowing any chance you had at the job.
3. “Base your answer on the requirements of the job and your ability to perform it.” (Whatever that means!)

I feel their advice is incomplete. In an attempt to be helpful here are more options I came up with on my own:

1. Keep a video camera in your baseball cap and sue their asses. (Dressing like a pimp is optional.)
2. Lie through your teeth. They just broke the law – one good turn deserves another.
3. Say, “I love you.”
4. Casually mention, “You know, sex is still in play.”
5. Distract with your “Basic Instinct” move. (This also requires wearing a short skirt.)

Also, be forewarned that your interviewer may employ a technique known as “probing” during the interview. The best advice I can offer is relax as much as possible and lean into it. With most interviewers this is usually a very brief process, but some might be able to make it last 45 minutes or more.

So here are the original questions from that email answered by yours truly with my own special flair. Enjoy!

Q: Does your family mind the travel required for this position?
A: Let us dispense with the petty mind games, shall we? We’re all adults here. We all know that I’ll be forced to eat your ass on a regular basis. Let us not pretend that I’d refuse to sell my children to the devil for this “opportunity.” Travel is the least of my concerns.

Q: Are you religious? Will your religion prevent you from working extra hours or on weekends when we have a big project?
A: It probably won’t be a problem, unless I am displeased in any way, shape or form. Then I may draw a pentagram around your desk, sprinkle some goat blood, and burn some (mostly) harmless incense while chanting your name.

Q: You have a very unusual last name. What is its origin?
A: Doin’ your mom.

Q: Are you planning a family in the near future?
A: That depends on you. If I may, I’d like to answer that question with a question of my own. Are you available Saturday night? I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. I also always forgo protection because, let’s be honest, that just makes it so much more fun.

Q: How many more years do you see yourself in the work force (before retiring)?
A: Difficult to see is the future. Always clouded with emotion. How long does it usually take to get access to the company checking account around here? – or try this alternate answer – Oh please oh please oh please! I want to do nothing but work for you and clean your boot heels with my eager tongue until the day I die. Pick me! Pick me!

I hope these answers come in handy at some point during your career. It’s amazing, I know, but I’m offering them completely free of charge! Just another of the many perks of reading this blog.