Daily Archives: March 13th, 2010

I hope you die

A Catholic providing final answers to someone presumably not Catholic in Ghent circa 1554. Image source: Library of Congress.

Here in the abyss, our committment to you, the reader, is to present interesting news of the day with our our special stylings and flair.

This week, Neal Horsley, an anti-abortion activist and gubernatorial candidate for the Creator’s Rights Party in the great state of Georgia was arrested for threatening the life of recording artist Sir Elton John.

The chain of events went a little something like this:

  • Elton John announced he is a homosexual. (You heard it here first.) Note: This may have happened quite some time ago.
  • In an interview with US Magazine Elton John said that Jesus Christ was a homosexual. The BBC reported the quote as: Jesus was a “super-intelligent gay man.”
  • Cue the nutjob: In response, Horsley published a missive on the internet entitled, “Why Elton John Must Die.” A video was also posted on YouTube showing Horsley holding a sign that read “Elton John Must Die” outside of a condominium owned by Elton John. Source.

Praise the Lord that Horsley has since been arrested and charged with terroristic threats, criminal defamation and using the Internet to disseminate threats. Bail has been set at $40,000 and Horsley remains in custody at this time.

Stick an iron fork in him because he’s done.

Click here for the audio soundtrack to this post: I Hope You Die.

How to destroy your employees

There goes an employee!

Being the boss is a hard job, but someone has to do it. Sure, it looks like fun, which is why secretly we’re all jealous. We all want to be the boss. But if you aren’t extremely careful you might do something nice, like build up your employees, or accidentally treat a lower-down with dignity and humanity.

Being the boss means you have to be ever diligent.

Sure, a lot of countries still allow employers to legally kill their employees, and you can certainly take that route, if you wish. But be honest. There isn’t much sport in giving an employee a love tap with a Luger to the skull. Real destruction takes a little more finesse and effort. Most employees have the potential to be worthy prey. Why waste that potential on a mere head shot?

There is no real right or wrong way to destroy an employee. What is most important to remember is be creative and make it fun!

The purpose of this guide is to provide some basic tools to ensure that you can destroy those lowly motherfuckers that work for you efficiently and without pity, sorrow or remorse. Never forget: You’ve got a company to run into the ground!

  • Call frequent staff meetings to inform employees that you don’t make a profit and you don’t get “paid.” (And remember, the shiny new BMW parked out front doesn’t count because that comes from the owner’s equity account.)
  • Remind employees daily that any mistakes they make will come out of their paychecks.
  • Teach employees your various paperwork schemes that you use to cheat on your taxes. (One receipt system for cash, one for credit cards, etc.)
  • Expect your employees to personally invest themselves and care about your business when doing so will only subject them to more of your bullshit and never line their pockets with a single coin.
  • Refuse to run the heater in winter and the air-conditioner in summer.
  • If your employees take breaks at their desks pester them repeatedly while they are on their own personal time.
  • Change up payday often for no particular reason at all. Most of your employees probably live hand to mouth and this can cause hilarious things like bounced check fees as they struggle to juggle their finances.
  • Make discipline a “fun time” by doing it in front of as many other employees as possible.
  • Share information that is important with as few people as possible. You want employees to be surprised when they find out information that is vital to the performance of their job. If they dare to ask about it, always respond, “Oh. Didn’t I tell you?”
  • When one employee does something wrong, make all employees sign a related-addendum to the employee handbook as soon as possible. If your handbook weighs under 200 pounds you are not doing it right.
  • Repeatedly stress that you are under absolutely no obligation to grant days off requests.
  • Force employees to stay late and do not compensate them for those extra minutes. Conversely, if an employee clocks in one minute late at the start of shift or when returning from lunch dock their pay by one-quarter hour.
  • Discourage employee suggestions to improve your company and when appropriate reject them outright after only a few seconds of thought. Adopt employee suggestions as infrequently as possible. In the rare situation where you decide to adopt a suggestion, be sure to stress it was completely your idea.
  • Force employees to attend work-related “team building” functions on their own time and off the clock. Toy with them by saying the functions are optional but it will be extremely bad for them if they choose to not attend. Remember, threats are your friend.
  • Discipline for a behavior then personally flaunt that exact same behavior in front of the employee.
  • If an employee seeks positive reinforcement always respond by telling them, “That’s your job.”
  • Remind employees as often as possible that they work in an “at will” state and can be fired at any time for no reason at all.
  • Do not schedule regular performance appraisals. If you do give an appraisal, make it mandatory that negative items must be included.
  • Tell employees that you want them to be “proactive” and think “outside the box” then micromanage and fiddle with, to the umpteenth degree, every single thing they do. Make them change everything.
  • Find out the tasks that each employee hates the most then change things around so that the hated task is the primary focus of their job.
  • Give out raises every three years or so but under no circumstances exceed two percent.
  • Hound your employees many times per day with questions like “what are you working on?” and “what are you doing?” Demand time estimates on everything they do.
  • Require employees to use their personal vehicles on company business but do not compensate them for their time or mileage.
  • Make employees deal with your personal issues as part of their job, such as handling your dry cleaning or calling the cable company to schedule your appointments.
  • Allow employees to personally witness the various ways that you lie, cheat and steal within your business.
  • Charge top dollar for every gold nugget you poop out of your ass but brag to your employees how you bully other companies and businesses into giving you unreasonable and outrageous discounts.
  • Do not acknowledge the efforts of employees when you assign them additional work load.
  • Make nebulous references to “bonuses” then force your employees to attend a Christmas “party” where you then distribute $50 WalMart gift cards.

If you’ve done your job properly, no one but the most pathetic of employees should remain. You know the type – those that equate their self-worth to be on par with poop. Then you get the satisfaction of feeding your ego, interviewing for new prey, and starting the process all over again. It’s a never-ending cycle of fun.

Now go enjoy the good life that only comes to those who truly deserve what they’ve got.