Grab your lab coats, beakers and clipboards, boys and girls. It’s time for another rousing installment of furry, fact-filled, finger-licking, and feckless gerbil research fun.

Again, for those of you new to the abyss, a “gerbil” is the term we’ve come up with to describe a youngling that triggers the onset of False Empty Nest Syndrome (FENS), a debilitating condition of which I’m personally afflicted. You can use the “gerbil” link above to learn more about FENS and review our past findings pertaining to gerbil research.

Today finds us pressed for time so let us not dilly dally. It is time to continue on our ongoing voyage of gerbil discovery. Whisker powers activate!

The Baggie of Salt

Some of you may be wondering about the outcome of the story regarding the baggie of salt we recently found on our kitchen counter. We asked the gerbil about this and we were told it had something to do with the cleaning of car parts. Gerbils apparently prize the coarseness of sea salt sodium crystals for their potent cleaning properties of objects like “compressors.” Those gerbils, always up to something new! You have to admit they are surprising and fascinating creatures.

Body Modification & Adornments

There has been more breaking news since the baggie of salt. Gerbils really keep you on your toes. My research assistant (also known as my wife) recently discovered a nose ring carefully ensconced within our gerbil’s face. Her empirical observation skills are second to none and a serious boon to our research team. What a fantastic discovery! Rarely can you find so many gerbil body modification and camouflage characteristics concentrated on a single specimen. The furry face, the gauged ears, the long wavy mane, and, of course, the strangely shaped areas of furry facial hair. Several observers have mentioned to us that the gerbil would almost be employable if it wasn’t for all of these specially defining characteristics. In gerbil culture, however, these properties are closely entwined with self-worth within the herd and are therefore paramount and sacrosanct above all else. Adornments are more highly-prized than the ability to gather food, resources, and reach any level of productivity.

More later in the next installment. Yes, there is more. Much, more more. Stay tuned…